Page 76 of Rectify

We both laugh at the ridiculous nickname, and hug each other goodbye. I hold on to her, overwhelmed by how many people I’ve come across that have genuine interest and desire to see other people happy. It isn’t what I’m used to, but it sure as fuck is making it harder to leave.

Pushing the heavy door, the sound of my arrival in the room doesn’t go unnoticed. Sasha turns, and freezes at the sight of me. She looks so frail, and sad, and I wish with every fibre of my being we could go back.

She’s all day, every day beautiful, but when she’s happy, it touches everything around her. When she smiles, you can’t help but gravitate to her. It’s a loss to the people around her when she hides it.

Lily finally notices me, her loud screech breaking the connection. Throwing her hands up in the air, she demands I carry her. I pick her up with an exaggerated grunt. “You’re getting way too heavy, Lily.”

She giggles, and rests her head on my shoulder. Sasha is still looking our way, and I know if I walk away, she’ll think I’m mad, and it will be the only way she’ll remember me. I don’t want that. I don’t want her to think I’m mad, because I’m so far from the man in the hospital.

Now, it’s just hurt. I miss her, and since a whole month has passed, and I’m leaving, I want us to both try and be able to look back and remember one another with nothing but love and appreciation for the experience.

I take big strides towards her, reminiscent of the first time I spotted her in this room. Determined to say a proper goodbye.

“Hey.”

“Hey.” She gives me a tight smile. “Max must’ve been busy today if you’re braving the pick up.”

“That obvious, huh?”

She gives a little shrug. “More like understandable.”

“I just wanted to say, thank you. You’ve done so much for Lily, and—”

“Stop.” She waves her hand in the air, and shakes her head. “Please don’t reduce this to a business transaction. I’d rather you just said nothing at all.”

“Sasha, I didn’t mean it like that.”

“It’s totally fine. Maybe it’s better that we don’t say anything at all.”

I walk away, all the closure I planned for us to have, fizzling into a big fat nothing.

With Lily by my side we skulk through the hallway, feeling as empty as the first day I stepped foot in this place.

An unmissable “wait” comes out of the room, followed by a teary eyed Sasha.

“Jay, wait.”

My heart thuds against my rib cage, and I pray to a God that doesn’t really have time for me, and hope that today he might. That today, he’ll bring her back to me.

She bends down to Lily first. “Close your eyes, Lilipad.”

Taking my face in her hands, she presses her wet, salty lips to mine.

I love you.

I snake my arms around her and crush her to me.

I love you too.

Her body shakes in my grasp, as she kisses me, and cries at the same time. I don’t tell her to stop. I don’t push her away. I don’t stop her from breaking my heart one more time. I just let myself feel every crack, every tear, every shattered piece of my soul, just to be able to say she was here.

That I had her.

And I lost her.

19

Sasha

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