Page 61 of Rectify

“Never.”

“Really?” She asks, shocked. “Not even like one time?”

I shrug. “I’ve hooked up with guys, if I really felt like having sex. But anything past that wasn’t something I had time for.”

“So, maybe you’re just apprehensive because you’re not sure how this stuff is supposed to go.”

I laugh at her shitty attempt at comforting me. “I’m not a complete idiot.”

“I know that, but I just don’t want you making any rash decisions based on how you think it should or shouldn’t be.”

“The sex is great,” I offer casually. “Have I mentioned that?”

Her mouth lifts in a smile that matches my own. “On more than one occasion.”

“He’s so intense. It’s too much too soon.”

“Says who?” she challenges. “You didn’t just meet him, Sash. You have history with him. And if we’re going to get technical, he stalked you for a good enough amount of time before you agreed to do the dirty with him.”

“That’s actually kind of comforting.” I think back to last night, and how, together, we picked apart the years that have passed. “He’s changed so much, Holly. And in the best ways.”

“You like him.”

It’s not a question, and I don’t even think twice about agreeing with her. “I do.”

“So let it happen,” she pleads. “You’re a grown adult, and don’t need permission to feel what you do.” She rolls the office chair close to me, so our knees knock. “You’ve been through too much to play games. If you want to see where it goes, then see where it goes.”

My legs bounce involuntarily, and she puts her hands on my thighs to still them.

“But if you don’t, and you choose to sit here and wait to cross check items off some imaginary expectation list, you’re going to miss it.” Taking my hands in hers, she raises them, so they sit between us. “You’re going to miss this guy, who amongst all the other shit in your life, managed to catch and hold your attention. Twice.” She squeezes my hands hard, almost like she’s begging me to listen. “Give it to him, Sasha. All of it.”

After her big speech, Holly leaves me alone, and I’m grateful. Everything she said is true, the way I feel, the way he is, and exactly what I’m going to miss out on if I don’t see where it can go.

And if it doesn’t work? That’s okay too, because I now know, from the way he looks at me, touches me, the things he says, and the things he doesn’t; I’m enough.

It might not be him, and it won’t be today, but I think I’ve finally found the self-worth I’ve been searching for.

* * *

Since my talk with Holly, it’s like the universe is working in sync with her to make sure Jay and I become inseparable. The time we spend in each other’s company is limited, and that’s my fault. There’s no risk with Lily and I, because she only knows me as her teacher. But I still have so much to speak to Dakota about before I even consider bringing Jay into our lives. And for now, even if it’s unspoken, it seems like he understands that.

Last night was another sex filled evening, my appetite for him becoming impossible to wane. He’s rough, controlling, and downright filthy the second our clothes come off. It’s a complete contrast to the man who opens up doors, helps me clean my kitchen, and now brings brioche cake to work whenever he has the chance.

I’m as giddy as a school girl, and I can’t even hide it anymore. It’s about eight o’clock when Jay walks in with Lily in his grasp. My heart hammers inside my chest as our smiles instantaneously mirror one another. It’s been no time at all since I’ve seen him, and I can barely contain the relief at having him in front of me.

Crouching down, I meet Lily. “Morning.”

Her sleepy eyes look up at Jay and he lowers himself to join us. “Did you lose your words, Lilipad? Say good morning to Miss Sasha.”

She frowns, but does as he asks. “Morning, Miss Sasha.”

Jay’s eyes move from Lily to mine. “Good morning, Miss Sasha.”

The blush is imminent, his gruff voice turning the most innocent greeting, sinful.

“Hey.” Standing, I point to my office. “I’m going to let you guys settle in, and I’ll be there if you need me.”

The invitation is clear as day, and he winks in acceptance.

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