Page 52 of Rectify

“The other night I found out the mother of his daughter died, and I'm just a ball of nerves trying to process it all.”

“Let's break it down,” she suggests.

It sounds like such a simple task, but when I do dig deeper, I always find out more than I bargained for.

“What happened that made you go from never wanting to see Jay, to I'm going to have sex with him tonight.”

“We had a few run ins, and each time I felt myself drawn to him that little bit more. Last week Jay’s brother died and the timing and circumstance felt right.”

She scribbles on her paper, adding to her notes, or drawing, before meeting my gaze. “Did you talk about the heavy stuff or did you just jump into the sex?”

I glance off to the side, my face heating up at the memory of all the ways wespoke. “We got the important stuff out of the way.”

“And are you content with the things he said?”

“You aren't going to ask me?”

“No. I only care about how it made you feel.” The emphasis on the last word, drives the point home. “So, tell me that.”

It was such a relief to know I wasn’t the only one who was developing feelings when we were younger, but that wasn’t the most enticing part about being with Jay. It was how we were both now on this level playing field; which didn’t exist before.

“The sex was out of this world, so there’s that, but what I didn’t anticipate is how different it was because we’re both adults, who have experienced so much.“ I stop and think of the right words instead of rambling. “When we were teenagers it was a power struggle, and he always came out on top. But now he’s this grown, changed man, with a daughter, who has similar priorities and experiences to mine, and it holds a lot of appeal.”

“Okay, I hear what you're saying, and that’s a great observation. But now flip the coin, what is less appealing.”

I run my fingertips across my lips, repeatedly. “He lives in Melbourne now. So, even if I wanted it to, it can't eventuate.”

“Anything else?”

I huff and shake my head. “Obviously, Jagger and Drix. I would have to tell them he’s in my life. Potentially in Dakota’s life.”

That realisation hits me harder than the others. I wouldn’t even know how to approach discussing my potential love life with Dakota. In her eyes, there’s been no struggle, no broken hearts, no desire for me to even be with someone.

Is Jay worth opening up that line of communication?

“If Jay lived here in Sydney and there was no Hendrix and Jagger to worry about what would you do?”

I don’t even think twice. “I’d enjoy my time with him”

“So let's do that.” She grabs her bottle of opened water and takes a sip.

“That sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.”

“It very well could be,” she agrees. “But you told me your goal was to get out of the habit of making or changing your choices based on other people.”

“I don’t know if this one is negotiable.” I awkwardly get off the bean bag, and resume my pacing. “They will take it personally no matter what. I have to be prepared for a huge fight, or even worse.”

“Would you put yourself in that position?”

“For Jay?”

She nods.

“I can’t see us getting to that point.” It tastes, and feels, and sounds like a lie, but it’s the only thing I can hold on to.

His words from last week haunt me, and my determination to make Claire understand how serious the tension between all three men is, makes me feel helpless against myself.

You’re always going to go back to them.

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