Page 4 of Rectify

She shifts on the bean bag while looking over at me, waiting for me to finish.

“I broke up with him under the pretense that everyone our age was having sex, and I wasn’t ready.”

“Did he pressure you?”

“I fucking wish, because then it would’ve made me feel better.” I swap out coloured pencils for textas and re-immerse myself in this strange activity. “I was hasty in my decision. I wanted to break up with him before he realised I wasn’t as great as he thought.”

“Do you do that a lot?”

“What?”

“Make rash decisions based on how you’re feeling?”

“With Hendrix. The high school boyfriend, yes. My whole life I just projected every shitty feeling onto my interactions with him.”

“You spoke past the breakup?”

Get ready for the tricky part, Doc.

“You should probably dump the cat drawing and start writing up some kind of family tree.”

A high pitched laugh leaves her mouth as she animatedly switches out the papers. “Go ahead, I’m ready.”

“Hendrix and Jagger are twin brothers and were my very best friends growing up. Jagger was the brother I never had, and Hendrix was the guy I was going to marry. But, when it all got too much, I bailed on them, started hanging out with the wrong crowd and dabbled in shit that was very unlike me.”

“So, here I was giving up my virginity to a guy who was older than me. It was only two years, but enough that he could’ve gotten into trouble if anyone found out. Jagger and Hendrix loathed him, and somewhere deep inside, that was one of the reasons I let it happen—”

“Okay,” she interrupts. “What was that person’s name, for the sake of my drawing.”

“His name was Jay.” She nods, so I proceed. “When he left me high and dry, I ran back to Hendrix with my tail between my legs.”

“How did that go?”

“As well as you’d expect.” I laugh humorlessly. “He was devastated. We both were. I figured we needed time, but then I fucked up again. I got messy drunk and had sex with an equally drunk Jagger.”

She doesn’t flinch, or cringe, or show any reaction and it unnerves me. Some part of me wants the disgust, the validation that I am as horrible and fucked up as I feel. The expression on my face must be expectant, because she sits forward, holding my gaze.

“Nothing you say is going to shock me. It’s not my job to judge you, that’s not what this is about. I just want to walk you through your past choices and decisions, to help you be happy with who you are today.”

I look back at the piece of paper in my lap and focus on the trivial matter of what colour I’m going to use next, instead of acknowledging the tears that prickle my eyes.

“I fell pregnant with Jagger’s baby.”

“What made you keep the baby?”

As I think about the gorgeous woman my daughter is growing into, it pains my heart to think of a world without her, but I understand the question, and what she’s implying. She wants to know why I chose the hard option.

“It gave me purpose. The minute I found out, it felt right.” My heart expands with just the mere mention of Dakota. “I was constantly battling with myself, second guessing everything I did, wondering if I would ever amount to anything? Or if I would be successful. Or who would like me, and who wouldn’t? Especially after the unforgivable things I had done.”

The worry and insecurity I carried was incessant. It was a crippling dark cloud that surrounded my every thought and every action. I’d love to say it’s not there anymore, but that would be one of the biggest lies I’ve ever told. Sometimes I can silence it, others it’s impossible. But with Dakota… She became my missing link, my second chance. “From the moment I saw those two lines on the pregnancy test, she was the answer to all those questions. For her, I would be enough.”

“And how did…” She looks down at the paper for clarification and I can’t help but snort.

“Jagger,” I offer.

“Yes. Jagger. How did he take it?”

“I don’t think you’ll ever find another fifteen-year-old boy who was happy as he was.” Jagger and I were close enough to get through anything. Our solid friendship paved the way for a somewhat cohesive and strong family bond between the three of us. We were both determined to make the best of the situation and did our best to work together and help one another wherever we could.

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