Page 30 of Rectify

His response seems like it’s a question he’s asking himself instead of answering me. “Are you, okay?” I repeat. I know he’s not. It’s painfully obvious, but there’s also nothing I can do. It doesn’t feel like my place. Regardless of how tight my body is wound up over his existence the last few weeks, and how messy my mind is remembering the past; I know nothing about this man. I’m so removed from whatever it is that pains him, and I need to accept it. No matter what.

“I want to see you,” he says more steadily. “I need to speak to you. Please.”

After the progress I made with Emerson and Jagger tonight, I know even more so his request is a tall order. “I’m sorry Jay, but it isn’t a good idea.”

“Once. That’s all I’m asking,” he begs, losing the mixed streaks of arrogance and confidence that usually accompany those words.

“Jay, whatever it is you think you have to do. You don’t. I don’t need it.”

“Please, Sasha.” His pleading scratches at my heart. “I need it. Tonight, Ifuckingneed it.”

It shouldn’t hurt me to reject him, especially after everything he did to me, but his grief is palpable, and regret begins pulling at my unreliable heartstrings. “I’m sorry for your loss, Jay,” I start. “I really, really am, but that’s all that needs to be said between us.”

Feeling the presence of someone behind me, I turn to find Jagger standing in the doorway. His eyes cold, brows furrowed, and hands clenched.

I turn away not wanting to watch the signs of his silent wrath, potentially turn into a conversation I’m not willing to have. Unsure of how much he heard, but confident enough to know he’s put the pieces together, I try and finish up the conversation with Jay. “Look. I will try and call you back, but you need to get some sleep, you need to be your best for Lily, tomorrow.”

“That’s it,” he croaks. “You’re really not going to let me see you.”

Arguing with him in this state, and now with an audience isn’t going to end this conversation any faster, so I concede. “Tomorrow.”

“Really?” His tone becomes hopeful, and I hate the way that makes me feel.

“Bright and early.”

I slide the phone off my ear and reluctantly face Jagger. He’s as still as a statue.

“Who the fuck was that?”

I try not to be rattled by the anger radiating off him. “You mean you weren’t eavesdropping?”

“I was coming to ask if you wanted dessert,” he says through clenched teeth.

“Oh. Well, in that case, I’m fine.” My voice is an octave higher than it needs to be as I think of the quickest way to avoid this conversation. “I think I’m going to go home.”

Solely focused on my phone call, he repeats. “Who was that?”

I sink back down to the chair and bury my face in my hands.I could lie to him. “How much did you hear?”

“A name that brought back a fuck ton of memories. Ones where you drenched my shirt in a million tears over what he did to you.” He pinches the bridge of his nose. “Tell me it wasn’t him. Tell me you’re not that stupid.”

“It’s none of your business,” I argue defensively. “Our talk inside wasn’t an invitation to discuss the ins and outs of my life choices.”

“Tell me it’s not him.” His voice is full of desperation. “Anyone in the world Sasha, but not him.”

“What does it matter, anyway?” I huff with defeat. “You’ve already made your mind up. Assumed the worst.” I get up to face him, not bothering to hide my hurt. “I’m the stupid one, right? And you’ve got it all figured out.”

“Sash.” He reaches for me, and I flinch back “I didn’t mean it like that.”

“Don’t.” I put my hand up between us, dismissing his piss poor apology. “I have to go home. I need to get out of here.”

He steps closer to me, crowding my personal space. “How did you even reconnect with him?”

“Now you want to ask the questions?”

Reminiscent of our younger years he rolls his eyes at me before grabbing my shoulders and steering me back down to the chair. He sits beside me and asks again. “I know it was him, so please answer the question.”

Leaning back into the chair, I lose the fight under the weight of his insistence and answer him. “He brought his daughter into the centre.”

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