Page 27 of Rectify

Jagger and I have had a rocky relationship. His incarceration is something I struggled with for a very long time. Not only because I lost my best friend, but because the father of my child put us in such a dangerous position. He became someone I didn’t know, made choices that I didn’t recognise, and changed our future in ways I never saw coming.

What led to him getting into trouble played out like a movie. Like a story you heard on the news. Something that happened in someone else’s life, but never in a million years do you think it would happen in yours.

There was no way I was ever going to forgive him. I was sure of it. For the physical and emotional hurt Dakota endured, I didn’t care that he had to sacrifice his life and live behind bars. No punishment was ever going to be enough. As far as I was concerned he deserved it. It took twelve years of no communication to solidify that I was completely content for a life without him. Only to have my thoughts shut down as soon as Dakota heard he was coming out.

She wanted to be doted on by the man she’d been waiting her whole life for, and I wasn’t the one who was going to break her heart.

In a different world, I would’ve moved somewhere, and given ourselves a clean slate. A life without ever mentioning Jagger. But he had family. A devoted brother who was a one-man show, with no plan to ever give up on a life knowing his niece.

Her relationship with Hendrix is something neither I or Jagger could ever replace. He somehow managed to paint her father in a glowing light, regardless of the circumstances, while being the man she needed while growing up. He is the reason Dakota welcomed her father with open eyes after living the majority of her life without him.

I compromised, for Hendrix, and Dakota. And because of that, I sit here with Jagger, like the past never happened. Eating, talking, and being the best non-typical parents we know how to be.

“What’s going on with you?” he asks.

I raise my eyebrow at him, unimpressed by his interrogation.

“You’ve been off,” he points out. “Even Dakota is worried.”

Intentionally using her as bait is a no go, I shake my head at him in disappointment. “Don’t try and make me feel guilty.”

He has the audacity to look unimpressed by my accusation. “That’s not what I’m doing, we’re just worried. And you’ve been avoiding me.”

“You’re not that stupid, Jagger, you know why I haven’t been around.”

“Because of Drix?” He puts his hands up in question. “You know he doesn’t live here, right?”

I roll my eyes at his lame attempt at humour, before sobering up to tell him the truth. “If you must know, I don’t want the pity.”

“What pity?” He looks at me with genuine confusion, making me feel self-conscious. Like it’s all in my own head.

“I don’t want to be the one everyone walks on eggshells around, because I managed to fuck up a few more lives, as well as mine in the last few months.” I clear my throat. “And I don’t want Emerson to pretend to have to play nice.”

“Emerson? What? Hold up. Where the hell is this coming from?”

“I just need to find myself.” I swallow, biding time as I struggle to think of the best way to tell him the awkward and painful truth. “Away from you, and away from Drix… Is that okay?”

He runs his hand through his hair, followed by a disbelieving head shake. “We’re family.” His voice is a mixture of hurt, understanding, and guilt, and I want to retract it all. Honesty always comes at a price and sometimes I wonder if it’s worth upsetting someone else when I‘m already used to this dull ache of disappointment inside my chest.

Since the words have already been given life, I continue. “In a wonderful twisted way, we are a family, but in reality, you are my daughter’s father and he is your brother, and her uncle. We’re in such a different place now than we were all those years ago. The connection is all damaged and frayed, and I need to leave things in the past. I need to move toward my future.” He listens to me pensively. “Dakota is getting older, and she needs me less, I don’t need to be the middleman between you guys anymore. And I’ve been trying to hide that complicated, and messy part of me for as long as I can. I don’t want her to find out now. I don’t want to be dragged back there, I want to try and let it go.”

“You could just tell her.”

“What?” I scoff. “That her mum used sex to hurt the one guy she loved, and then ripped his heart into shreds repeatedly.”

“There are two sides to every story, Sash.”

“I’m sure Hendrix’s will match mine. Actually I’m sure his version of things are even worse.” I lean forward, determined to get my point across. Wanting him to really understand how important keeping things from Dakota is to me. “And then what will she think of you, when she finds out what you did to Hendrix?”

It’s a low blow, and we both know it. His jaw clenches at the reminder, but he doesn’t give in to my notion of thinking. “I’ll tell her it was a mistake. We were young.”

“No,” I whisper-shout. “I don’t want to teach her mistakes when you’re young don’t matter.” I wave my hand in the direction of her bedroom. “Because obviously they do. I don’t want to give her the go-ahead to be reckless.”

“She’s not that type of kid.”

“Maybe not, but I’m not taking any risks.”

He mirrors my pose and takes my hands in his. “You’re an amazing mother, Sash. She’snevergoing to think the worst of you.”

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