Page 21 of Rectify

“I’m staying back at the house, with Max. It feels fucking weird to meet her without you, even being in that house without you…”

My knee starts to bounce, a companion to my uneasy feelings. I want to do this. I want to say the words out loud. I want him to know I’m here, and wherever he is, in whatever part of limbo he’s floating in, I’m by his side.

Trying to lighten the mood, I pull out a photo of Lily and place it over his heart. “That’s Lily. Your niece.” My heart swells with pride as I share with him, my one true love. “I should’ve pushed harder for you to meet her, it would’ve been love at first sight.”

It was for me.

“She would have you wrapped around her little finger, chasing after her, making sure she’s happy and safe. The exact same way you used to go above and beyond for me.” I stare at the image of Lily, a bright spot amongst the drab hospital sheets. I take the strength I need from her angelic face as I keep talking. “She wasn’t planned. Either was Bianca, her mum. It was whirlwind at best, but I was so happy, and they were more than enough.”

My voice wavers as I talk about Bianca, shocking myself with the random tears as I explain how she gave me life and took it away all at the same time. I almost wish he could ask me if I was okay. To be my older brother one more time.

“I gave up drugs not long after moving to Melbourne. I didn’t really have a choice since I was no longer my own boss, and nobody really wants to hire someone who’s high all the time. And when we found out Lily was coming, Bianca made me give up smoking. If I thought the drugs were rough, the smoking was so much harder.”

The words alone make me feel like lighting up a cigarette, the habit returning with a vengeance, since being back here.

“I run a security company now, can you believe that? It was the only job I could get with no qualifications when I arrived in Melbourne. You just had to be decent sized, and look fucking mean. That’s me in a nutshell, don’t you think?”

I laugh at my own joke, but the oxygen machine mocks me.

Who cares what it looks like, Jay. He’s listening.

“The guy I worked for became a good friend of mine, and he wanted out. So, I offered to buy it from him. It’s all above board. Jay fucking Evans paying actual taxes.”

A light cough from the door interrupts me. It’s Gina one of the food delivery assistants. “Ah, Mr. Evans would you like some lunch?”

The hospital staff are used to seeing me here, and often offer Max and I lunch that would be Leroy’s if he could eat. While it’s expected that they skip the room, some of the women and men here show unrivalled compassion and empathy. And while his situation is dire, there is nothing negative I could ever say about their treatment of him.

“No, thank you. I might leave here soon, and spoil myself with some McDonald’s,” I tease, knowing how much she riles up whenever Max brings it in.

“That stuff is worse than this shit.”

I laugh at her disgust. “I’m just pulling your leg. I’m going to get going, and eat some leftovers from last night’s dinner.”

“That woman of yours cook for you?”

“Yeah,” I say dismissively. “She made pasta.”

I never correct anyone when they assume Max and I are together. I don’t understand how they come to that conclusion, and it also takes up too much energy to set them straight. The only person I wanted to shout and explain it to, was the only person who didn’t want to hear it.

Sasha pops up in my thoughts on a regular rotation these days, somehow everything points back to her. I look up at Leroy and laugh. If there were ever two people in the world that hated each other more, it was her and him.

When she was with us at our house, she was mouthy and opinionated. A side of her that only I had the pleasure of seeing. Leroy was never down with people who called him out on his shit. Especially girls. Which is why the mess Max got herself in with him makes so much sense.

I wonder what he would say if he knew I bumped into Sasha. If he knew how badly, after all these years I wanted to keep bumping into her.

Shaking my head, I will away my thoughts of Sasha and glance back down at Leroy’s body. It dawns on me, like an anvil, crushing my chest. Apart from Lily, he’s the only living family I have left.

“I’m sorry I didn’t come back when Dad died. I just couldn’t…” I bury my head in my hands, muffling my voice. “I couldn’t come back here and pretend to care about a man who never fucking cared about me. He didn’t deserve a goodbye, especially not when he never once asked where the fuck I was after I left.”

Fuck, I need a cigarette.

I blow out a long breath of air, composing myself. My father, even in death pushing all the right fucking buttons. “I will always respect your choice to be loyal to him, but I could never understand it.”

I stare at his body, through my anger, imploring him to wake up and fucking talk to me. So, I can hear his justifications or feel his disappointment. For what feels like the millionth time, I push through the ache in my chest, knowing those responses aren’t coming.

“I know my excuses probably sound like shit to you, I mean you lived there. You fucking knew how it was. But maybe if you just listened to me when I said life could be better, you wouldn’t be here. You wouldn’t be almost fucking dead.”

It’s brutal, but it’s true, and now I’m in pieces. Shredded from the inside, falling apart on the out.

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