Page 18 of Rectify

Not to mention I still have a friendship to repair with Hendrix and do have a mutually respectful relationship with my daughter's father. Any word of Jay anywhere around me is sure to blow anything positive between us all out the water.

I can't continue on this endless cycle of hurting myself and others. And giving Jay the time of day will absolutely do that.

“Jagger and Hendrix hate him,” I blurt out. “If they find out he's nearby who knows what they'll do.”

“It's funny though, he hasn't mentioned anything about wanting to see them.”

“We’re a package deal.”

“Maybe you need to change that.”

“What are you talking about?”

“You need to separate yourself from those two men.” She licks her spoon clean before putting it on her empty plate and pushing. “They've moved on without you, and you're still tiptoeing around their feelings. You've sacrificed life to accommodate both of them. Enough is enough.”

She’s riled up defending me, and even if I don’t agree, it’s such a warm feeling to know she has my back. “I hurt people, Holly. It's not that easy,” I remind her. “I’m lucky over the years, we’ve been able to be as close as we have been.”

“Everyone has hurt someone Sash, and you always seem to dismiss that they’ve hurt you too.” She’s exasperated. “I'm not saying it’s tit for tat, but people apologise and move on. They have, but you.” She points at me before continuing. “Can’t seem to let anything go long enough to see the that the world is waiting for you.”

Riley rubs in between Holly’s shoulders, trying to alleviate her girlfriend’s tension as Holly takes a long sip of wine. I prepare for her to lay the truth on thick, the moment of silence typical as she gathers her thoughts. “I will never understand or agree with why you’re so hard on yourself. After all this time, everyone is forgiving themselves, finding their ground, finding their happiness. And the only person who’s getting left behind, is you.”

Overwhelmed by her frank words, a mini-war wages inside of me. My natural instinct is to try to find the words to explain to her how imperative my connection to Jagger and Hendrix is. Especially for Dakota. I want to give her my version of that story. Justify my stance. Defend myself and show her I’m right, but the realisation that what she says is somewhat true, has me shutting down.

Jagger has found Emerson, Hendrix chose Taylah, and I’m here holding on to both of them like they have the only key to my happiness. So, instead of unravelling the truth and getting to the bottom of my issues, I take the easy way out. “Dakota loves them. It’s for her.”

The lie is easy and less complicated. It’s what I tell myself, it’s what I will myself to believe; instead of facing the mess of memories that seem to insistently infiltrate my thoughts, decisions, and future.

“Dakota loves them.”

“I’m not asking you to do anything that would hurt her,” she clarifies, even though she shouldn’t have to. I know what she’s asking, I’m just playing dumb. “You can still cut the cord, and be civil.”

“I’m not doing that for someone like Jay.”

“It’s for you,” Riley chimes in, offering her laid back nature to avoid Holly and I getting into a heated discussion. “Maybe he’s just the reminder you need to let it all go.”

I wish it were that simple. Letting it all go. If the roles were reversed, I would be telling my friends the same thing. Encouraging them to grab life by the balls, and stop letting it pass them by. But no matter what my head knows, my heart feels something completely different.

What I tell myself isn’t logical, but up until right now, it's worked for me. Those two men are my family. We fight, and we make up. It’s tiring, but it’s real, and together they make up a big portion of my life that I can’t let go.

They’ve always been there, regardless of our dysfunctional existence, they have gone above and beyond when it comes to Dakota and I. I will always feel like I owe them, for both the pain I’ve caused them and the love they’ve given us. So, I muddy up the boundaries and use Dakota’s connection to two men that mean the world to her as the excuse to let myself be hurt by their happiness. To let the guilt be a permanent presence in my everyday life, and convince myselfI amthe lucky one to have them still able to tolerate me. Forgive me. Love me.

Unlike what Holly is suggesting, I’m their burden, they’re not mine.

“Where’d you go?” Holly interrupts.

I shake my head as if it’s possible to ignore my repetitive trip down the rabbit hole. Showing off my very skilled avoidance tactics, I simultaneously walk and talk.

I mentally take note to talk to Claire about everything Holly and I are talking about. Even as I go on with the charade, I hear the little voice in the back of my mind telling me to break this habit. Reminding me I’m not always the problem, and my needs don’t come last- no matter what my past mistakes are.

With hands full of dishes, I leave the table and begin to clean the kitchen. I call out to Holly and Riley, but the lack of eye contact means I don’t have to give in to their scrutiny. “I don’t know how we got on to the topic of Drix and Jagger anyway. We were talking about Jay.”

“Even though I know what you’re doing, I’ll let it go for tonight,” she concedes. “Tell me about Jay.”

“It’s an open and shut case.” I shrug nonchalantly. “I don’t like him. I don’t want to see him. I don’t want to talk to him.”

“Thanks, but I already got all that the first few times you said it. I’m going to need more.”

“Aren’t you forgetting about Max?” I ask, trying to deflect. “You’re acting like this could be anything but professional. But besides my obvious animosity towards him, he is taken.”

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