Page 16 of Rectify

The revelation shouldn’t have surprised me. It shouldn’t have felt like a punch to the gut to hear that I didn’t exist to him. Blood meant nothing. I mean, I was guilty of cutting him off, wasn’t I? I deserved to be disowned. I practically forced him into it, but it still stings. So much so, I regret opening my mouth and asking Max questions.

As I sit here watching him fade away into nothing, I realise the details don’t matter. The wrongs, the rights, the bad blood, and the missed opportunities; I knew better. The voice of the young fuck up I used to be rears its head. I saw his downfall coming and I didn’t stop it. As usual, I was selfish and stubborn. If I reached out, just once a year, instead of shutting him out, maybe the only family I had left wouldn’t be knocking on death’s door.

5

Sasha

I’m avoiding work. Just like a fucking teenager, I’ve called in sick, lied to Holly and have my run in with Jay on replay.

It’s pathetic and childish, but I can’t stop myself. Over the last two years, life has felt like a whirlwind. From Jagger getting out of jail, Hendrix and I choosing different paths in our lives, and now this. I can’t help but wonder when life is going to stop throwing curveballs my way.

I want to be done with my past, but it keeps surprising me at the most inopportune times, and most of the time I can’t work out the reason why.

I always feel worse for wear after. Ragged, beat down, and emotionally exhausted. I have nothing left to give that time of my life, yet here it is like the gift that keeps on giving. Only problem, is it’s unwelcomed and so past the point of unwanted, that some days I just want to pack up and leave it all behind.

There’s no denying I’m being dramatic, it’s what I do best, and there’s no point in changing that now. People bump into their past all the time and people rationally deal with it, but something about seeing Jay niggles in the back of my mind. The way he looked at me and reached for my arm. That man wanted more from me. Every fibre of my body could feel the invisible pull, the strange ghost of unfinished business, and I can’t get sucked into that vortex. Not again. And not with Jay.

An unexpected knock has me checking the time. Most people know I’m at work during the days, and nobody knows I’m home today.

I open up the door and find Holly on the other side.

“What are you doing here?” I lean on the door in shock. “Shouldn’t you be at the centre?”

“I took an extended lunch break.” She pushes past me, throws her bag on the coffee table, and makes herself comfortable on my couch.

I close the door behind her and let myself fall against it with my arms folded across my chest. “Can I help you with something?” I ask wearily.

“Cut the crap Sash, why aren’t you at work?”

“I’m sick.” I cover my mouth and fake cough into my palm.

“That’s the best you got?”

“Can’t I just have a day off without you breathing down my neck?” I pretend to be mad at her, but deep down inside I’m not. She’s my rock. The one that’s there even when I try to push everyone else away. She takes no shit and gives no fucks; the complete opposite of me. That’s why she’s here facing me head-on, while I’m here hiding out.

“Do you want a coffee?” I offer, giving in to her visit.

“Nah. I’ll come back another time and you can cook me a three-course meal, but this is going to be quick.”

Resigned, I sit beside her and wait for her to lay it on me.

“Mr. Evans,” she starts. “Who kindly told me today, I should call him Jay, was looking for you this morning.”

“Did he say what for?”

“Just that you were old friends and he really wants to catch up.”

“Fucking friends,” I murmur to myself. “And what did you tell him?”

“Let’s back up to why you’ve got that sour look on your face, as opposed to the dreamy one that you should have, because he’s fucking gorgeous, and seems very keen.”

I close my eyes, and grown-up Jay comes into view. I can’t deny over the last twenty-four hours the shock has worn off, and I’ve been able to admit how good looking he’s become. It’s ridiculous that someone could be so horrible on the inside, and so enticing on the outside.

“It doesn’t matter what he looks like, I don’t want to see him.”

“Are you going to tell me why?”

“Not when you’ve got to get back to work, no.”

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