Page 13 of Rectify

He grabs my wrist, and I flinch. He looks apologetic, but he doesn’t let go. “Thanks for fitting her in.”

I nod, and he releases his grip. I walk away. Fast. Determined.

My footsteps finally cross the threshold, the door swinging behind me. The connection officially broken. I lean against the wall in the hallway, My chest heavy, my legs weak, my head a mess. If I could run into hiding I would, but I keep my calm, refusing to let his presence get any more attention than what's just passed.

I finally regain the strength to head to my office, and walk straight into Holly and Dakota arguing about who is hotter, Blair Waldorf or Serena van der Woodsen. Grateful they're distracted, I begin to pack up my things, itching to get out of these four walls.

“Holly, could you go help out in the Junior Room. I'm not feeling too well, and I rushed out, leaving Natalia on her own.”

“Are you okay?” She looks me up and down, and I keep my head down refusing to meet her scrutiny.

“I'm fine. Just a sudden migraine. Dakota wants to get dinner, and I'm not feeling too well.”

“Mum, I’m fine to wait,” Dakota interrupts. “It’s still early.”

“Let’s just go,” I say harshly. My clipped response shuts them both down, and I know I’m not fooling anyone. Holly heads one way, while Dakota and I head the other.

I wait in the car for her while she picks up our sushi order, my head resting back against the seat as I process seeing Jay Evans for the first time since the night I gave him my virginity.

In a world where nothing turned out the way I planned, I should’ve known any time spent with Jay would work against me. I had been warned away from him since the beginning of time; Hendrix and Jagger hating him for reasons I was never privy to. But blind loyalty had me in their corner until their corner was too suffocating.

Hendrix and I were young, and I had broken us up. To everyone on the outside, it was puppy love and should’ve been easy to get over. To us, it was everything. I was overwhelmed by the intensity of our feelings for one another and I ran. I ran away from my best friends. From my love. From everything I ever knew, and I ran straight into the arms of the enemy.

The decision to give myself to him on a silver platter was all mine. I wanted to. The idea of being just another reckless teenager, became more and more appealing with every day spent together. There was no expectation, no worry of letting him down. And while the little voice in my head told me he was bad news, I never expected to feel anything when I was with him. I thought my heart and mind were protected, that the only thing that could make me hurt was the boy I truly loved. But as usual, I was wrong.

I couldn’t even tell you when I started viewing Jay as a friend. When our initial fuck you to the world turned into something I relied on. A companionship I enjoyed. Stupidly, I began to trust him, thinking what we shared in our own little bubble was real. Slowly, we opened up to one another. He was unlike anyone I’d ever known. On the outside, he was rough and unwelcoming, but on the inside, he was like lava. Dangerous to touch. Captivating to look at.

Days turned to weeks, and weeks turned to months, Jay and I were the world’s best-kept secret. Turns out while he became my safety net, I became his game. And with all the precision, and expertise a young, determined man could muster, he played me.

He pulls back when I don’t return the kiss. “Too much?” he whispers against my mouth.

I shake my head. “No, just unexpected. I’ve never kissed anyone but—”

“Hendrix,” he huffs. “I know.”

“I’m sorry.” I turn my face to the side and step back. Hendrix has become a touchy subject for Jay. I guess he’s over hearing how much I miss him, and how heartbroken I am.

He grabs my chin and turns my face back to him. “Don’t apologise. It’s just a kiss, nothing more, nothing less. It’s okay if you don’t feel comfortable with me.”

The words that leave his mouth are sympathetic, but I know Jay well enough to hear the challenge. Something inside me rises to it.I want to forget about Hendrix, don’t I? Could I? Maybe just for a little bit.Leaning forward I press my lips to his and wait for him to finish what he started.

Showing off his age and experience, he tilts his head to the side to get better access to my mouth. His tongue teases the edge of my lips, and I open wider to let him in. My movements are tentative, and his are patient. For a moment in time, I let myself feel the kiss. Believe the attraction, and feed into the hope that maybe I won’t always feel so messed up. Maybe I’ve just found a way to stop the cracks in my heart from becoming permanent breaks.

As we both chase our unnamed needs, the kiss deepens. Leaning into me, I take his hint and fall back onto his bed. I’ve been in his house, and this room, more times than I can count. The only place without eyes, opinions, and judgements, it seems fitting that we’re here exploring a world where only he and I exist.

Cautious not to push us any farther than what he promised, his body hovers over mine. His forearms bear most of his upper weight, while his legs effortlessly slip between mine. Hungrily, we taste one another, the knots in my body loosening with every stroke of his tongue.

The only teenager I knew with a mobile phone, the shrill ring echoes throughout the room. In no rush to get it, he unlocks his lips from mine and looks down at me. His blue eyes bore through me, his impenetrable wall back up, and between us. “You do alright for someone who’s only ever kissed one boy.” My face heats up at his taunt, and I want nothing more than his bed to swallow me whole. Most of the time his age never comes into play, the two years he has on me, nothing more than a number. But lying underneath him, I'm reminded of my inexperience and my immaturity. “I have to get that, but I want to do this again sometime. Maybe more?”

The question sits above us like a thick rain cloud, my answers threatening to burst. I want to say no. I want to tell him I don't think I'm ready for whatever he thinks is going to happen between us, or that I'd be any good at it. I want him to know I'm saving myself for the right guy, that I'm in love with someone else. But then I remember, the reason I started hanging out with Jay in the first place; he doesn't care about that stuff, and neither should I.

I give him a soft, shy peck on the lips before meeting his stare. “I think I'd like that.”

4

Jay

Finally putting Lily to bed, I tell Max I need an early night. Even though it isn’t too far from the truth, what I really want is a few minutes of silence to process seeing Sasha after all this time.

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