Page 12 of Rectify

“Bye, Mum.”

“Bye, babe.”

Ending the call, I mentally calculate the hours’til Dakota arrives. I think of all the things I need to do, and wonder if I can cram it all into a few hours, so we can leave earlier than closing time. I always feel an unnecessary amount of guilt when Dakota is here. I don’t want my workers thinking I’m throwing my superiority in their face by allowing my daughter to come and go as she pleases. It’s not like I wouldn’t let them bring their own children here in case of an emergency; it’s just something I try and not make a habit of.

The afternoon goes by crazy fast, and before I know it, I’m checking the clock every ten minutes expecting Dakota to waltz on in. Sitting the junior kids on the floor, I gather them around the TV and let them wind down as parents begin to trickle in and pick up their kids. I feel a slight tug at my legs, and I look down and see Lily looking up at me expectantly.

I bend down and meet her watery eyes. “You okay, little miss?”

“Daddy?”

I wipe a lone tear from her rosy cheek and sit on the floor beside her. “You want to sit on my lap and watch some Bananas In Pyjamas?”

She climbs into my lap, wordlessly seeking refuge. I shift her ‘til we’re both comfortable, and hold her ‘til her mood changes, and she’s laughing at the TV show with the other kids. When it feels safe enough to move her, I place her next to another child and announce I’m off to the kitchen to pick up some afternoon snacks.

Filling up the trolley with different fruits and crackers, I wheel it back into the room and begin to hand out little cup sized portions to the ravenous youngsters. When each kid has their food, I head to the wall-sized whiteboard to the left of the room and fill in the necessary details. What kids eat, what kids don’t. Every single thing they do in a day; good, bad, or uneventful, needs to be recorded.

I hear the door swing open, but pay it no mind, until I hear Lily excitedly shout out the word Daddy. Curiosity has me turning around, and shock turns me into stone.

He doesn’t notice me, completely enamoured by his daughter. They animatedly talk to one another, her little arms dragging him over to the line of paintings hung up on the wall.

I can’t take my eyes off him. I peruse the view in front of me, the body of a stranger, the hardened stance of a man. He’s aged. The boy I remember and the little things I know about him seem distant, and almost non-existent.

As if he can feel me staring, he turns around; his shock a mirror image of my own. Like a switch has been flicked, he walks towards me on autopilot, everything else falling into the background. The air is thick, tight, and suffocating, as the memories good and bad bounce between us. Hurt. Lies. Hate. I lean into the wall, allowing it to support my surprise at his closeness. It’s the only thing reminding me where I am, and why he’s in my space.

A five o’clock shadow adorns his chiselled jaw, and his short golden brown hair looks like he’s been running his hands through it for days. His clothes are neat and pressed, but his face is unfiltered exhaustion. His features are the perfect marriage of harsh and handsome. Everything the same. Everythingsodifferent. My heart squeezes with the slightest hint of worry, my natural instinct to care, momentarily overriding the deep-seated tension.

I never thought I’d see him again. I never had any desire to think past the pain, and humiliation he caused me. The closer he gets, the harder my heart beats against my chest. It’s not fear, but nervousness. Taken aback by his blatant disregard for the time and the place, and much more obvious, our history.

Face to face, his ice blue eyes penetrate through my thick skin, and my guarded thoughts. Rimmed with a colour that resembles the ocean, the contrast of light and dark in his stare, the epitome of time passing, and things changing.

“Sasha?” My name is an incredulous question that leaves his lips and travels straight down my spine. Goosebumps grace my skin, and I’m stunned his presence has the power to render me motionless, instead of my legs leading me to the dramatic exit he so rightfully deserves.

My mouth doesn’t work, unable to separate the past from the present, but as he balances Lily on his hip, looking like a man every woman would want warming her bed, I desperately wish I could.

It’s been years. Long enough that he doesn’t matter. Shouldn’t matter. Yet here I am, that same young and naive girl, who fell down the rabbit hole, believing she had a friend in him. Hoping with all she had, he would make it all better.

I was wrong. So very wrong. And I’ve paid dearly for the trust I gave him so freely.

“Mum.” Dakota’s voice cuts right through the layers between us, and we both turn to face the door.

“Hey, honey.” I glance back at him, watching him notice her. “Just wait for me in the office.”

Oblivious to what she’s just walked in on, she waves at the other staff members and waltzes right back out. He looks back at me, wide-eyed, even more shocked than when he saw me. “Looking at her is like winding back the clock.”

His reference to what was is the shake I need to remember I’m at work, and he’s a parent. Nothing more. Nothing less. I put my professional mask in place, and pretend this is the first time we’ve ever met. “Is Lily enjoying her time here?”

His face twists in confusion, obviously expecting a different response. “She loves it.”

“And Max?”

“Max?” he repeats.

“Lily’s mum.”

“Oh.” He runs his hand over his face. “She isn’t Lily’s mum.”

I bite my tongue. It’s none of my business, and I don’t care. I don’t. I repeat the two words over and over until I find the courage to end the conversation. “I have to go,” I say, pointing at the direction of Dakota and the door. “I’m really glad Lily is happy here.”

---