Page 41 of Revive

“Stacey, let’s give her a moment, and wait for her outside,” Kat warns.

“Fine, but can you just promise to hear him out.”

“Sure.”

They walk out, and as usual, whenever I’m with or think about Hendrix, I’m left feeling like another piece of the puzzle is missing. He doesn’t give much away, and it seems like everything, and anything can change for him in a split second.

If I just go home, I can think about whether this is really worth anything. Leaving dinner last week, I was reminded again that Sasha is a big part of his life, if nothing more than because she’s Dakota’s mother. It seems too soon to ask if I’m ready for that, yet I can’t work out why I want more from him. My body might want me to be underneath his a time or two, but something in my gut has me worried all decisions up to this point are fuelled by Sasha. As if he feels compelled to prove she doesn’t have a hold on him.

I may be sporadic and carefree, but I’m not stupid, and If I can avoid getting hurt, I want to try that option first.

When we text, I’m content with just sex, but talking about work last week, and sitting with his friends now, I’m getting a glimpse into his world, away from Jagger and Emerson. But even if it fills like something more, I won’t be someone’s fill-in girl.

I check my reflection one more time before facing the firing squad outside. Stacey is right. I just need to talk to him. He needs to be honest, and tell me what it is he wants. If he wanted sex, he would’ve already gotten it, but there’s something between us. I don’t know what it is, but it’s there, desperate to take hold and flourish, and I can’t walk away from that. Even if I know he’s going to break my heart in the process.

Relief hits me when I walk out, and nobody is waiting for me. Straightening my back, I wear my usual confidence and meet them all back at the table. Except only Hendrix is there. With his head in his hands, it’s hard not to feel for the grown man who looks so helpless, sitting alone in a full restaurant.

“Drix.” He looks up at me, and I can’t read him at all. I want to grab his hand, take him next door and load him with some alcohol so he can relax, but I know better. I can’t excuse his behaviour, because my empathy for him far outweighs my hurt feelings. “You okay if I go home?”

He stands and walks around the table. The distance between us is reserved, unsure if he’s welcome any closer. “Can I take you?”

“I’d rather you didn’t. We can just call it a night, forget this ever happened and think long and hard about whether we should repeat it.”

“It wasn’t that bad, was it?” he asks, clearly taken aback.

“Drix. I like you. I don’t know what that means yet, but I’m okay if you don’t reciprocate those feelings.”

“I didn’t say that,” he argues defensively.

“Just let me finish. Maybe you’re just not ready because of whatever it is you’ve got hidden in your past.” I hold my posture, determined to get the words out. “But you’re going to need to find someone else to be your practice girlfriend.”

“Practice girlfriend?”

“I don’t want to get shut down every time your thoughts go back to her.”

He jerks his head back, my admission shocking him. “This isn’t about her.”

“Well.” I raise my eyebrow sceptically. “When you’re ready, you can tell me what it’s about?”

He holds his hand out as an invitation. “Come with me next door.”

Hesitantly I take him up on the offer and slip my hand in his. “Stacey is really invested,” I say as we get closer to the bar. “You do know I can’t be friends with her though, right?”

“What? Why?”

“Her and Jagger had a thing.”

He looks at me, puzzled. “You know about that?”

“Of course.”

“I’d hardly call it a thing, and it was before he met Emerson, anyway.” It’s cute how he’s defending Jagger, and if it were anybody else but my best friend I would agree completely with his train of thought.

“I know, but Emerson isn’t a fan. And if she isn’t a fan—”

“Then you’re not either,” he finishes for me. He gives me his sweetest smile. “You think you can make an exception for me tonight?”

“Considering she checked on me in the bathroom, I think I can let it slide for now. “

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