Page 37 of Revive

It could be a twisted version of a fresh start. I didn’t care what Jay thought of me, with him I wouldn’t need to play nice with Bethany, or hide my hurt from losing Jagger, as well as Drix. With him, the circle of people would be different. Everyone wouldn’t know about me and Drix and ask if I was okay. If I let myself, I could use Jay, as much as I know he’s using me, and just let it all go.

“No worries, pretty girl. I’ll take what I can get.”

“He hasn’t beenmine for way longer than he ever was.” The memory brings about nostalgia that I often try to avoid. But every now and then talking about it makes it real, and I need that. So much time has passed I often wonder if I’ve made up how much I love him, or how much I hurt him.

“That’s bullshit,” Emerson argues. Her passion is admirable. It’s how I know Jagger didn’t ever stand a chance against her. “All that is, is labels. He’s been there and loved you through it all.”

“You think, I think he hasn’t done enough?” Uncertain I’m understanding her, I clarify. “You think that’s why we’re not together?”

“I’m just trying to piece it all together.”

“It’s not that complicated.” I look out onto the field, turning my body away from hers. “I’m sorry if that disappoints anyone, but it all comes down to one simple truth.” My voice cracks at the one thought that plagues me. “He’s perfect. I’m not.”

Thinking the conversation is over, I’m surprised when she grabs my hand. “I’m not going to make a deal about the last thing you said, because I know it hurts. But it’s not true.” She gives my hand a firm squeeze. “Everybody is perfect in their own way.”

Clearing her throat, she places her hand back in her lap, and I rub my nose to hold back the tears. “So, what happened with Jay?”

A soft laugh leaves my mouth. “Much to my surprise he actually grew on me. We spent a few months hanging out, and I guess you could say I kinda liked him.”

Drix and Jagger’s loud screams have me doing a quick scan of the field, making sure Dakota isn’t hurt. Realising they’re just mad about a hand ball, I look back at Em. “It wasn’t like what I felt with Hendrix. Nothing was ever like that, but it was fun. Carefree.”

“Past all the bullshit, I opened up to him, and he got me through a really hard time. I knew he could be a prick of a kid, but behind closed doors he let himself be young and funny. The facade faded.”

“Sounds like he made you happy.”

“He filled a gap for a while,” I say, wistfully, remembering the brief amount of happiness I felt with him before it went to shit. “But I stupidly gave him my virginity and he ghosted me.”

“What?” Her face blanches “I didn’t see that coming.”

“The ghosting hurt, but what did I expect? He was notorious for treating people like shit, and true colours always come out in the end.” I let out an exhausted sigh, the trip down memory lane more than I bargained for this morning. “I found out later Jagger had told him to stay the fuck away from me. So, I guess he figured he’d use me to show Jagger who was boss.”

“Can I ask why you had sex with Jay?”

“That’s the million dollar question, right?” It was the question I never had a concrete answer for. I remember the headspace I was in at the time, and the reasoning I used to justify it, but now it’s just another reason to be mad with myself. It’s been my motive for raising a daughter who will never fall victim to the traps of insecurity, and second guesses. “I’d placed such a big deal on sex with Hendrix. I don’t even know why, all my friends were doing it. Hell, even my mum thought I was.

“I knew sex changed things, and I was scared of change. We’d already gone from friends to lovers, and I would have a moment of panic every day, worried I’d fuck it up. I managed to do it anyway.” The tears from earlier find their way back, and I’m grateful my sunglasses are hiding my pain. “So, I thought what the heck, you’re never going to be able to have that special moment with Drix, anyway. I dove right in, knowing nothing would ever compare.” I lower my chin to my chest and let the tears flow. I was right in thinking nothing would compare, and I’ve been paying the price in different types of currencies for as long as I can remember. I take a deep breath, and my breath comes back out in hiccups. “It was childish and stupid, and it didn’t take long for me to see that, but by then the wheels were already set in motion.” The noise of the game fades, as I look from Jagger and Drix to Dakota. My life’s awkward triangle. “I didn’t have time to worry about all the mistakes I’d made. I had to make sure none of them touched my newborn baby.”

11

Hendrix

“Hey, Drix, you coming for drinks?” Evan, one of my co-workers asks me.

“I don’t know, man.” I climb into my car to get out of the sun. Leaving the door ajar, I turn the air conditioning on, hoping the release of the heat will be quickly replaced by the stream of new, cool air.

“Come on,” Stacey interjects, walking up beside Evan. “When was the last time you came out for drinks? Actually, when was the last time you did anything for fun?”

I think back to last Friday night with Taylah. “Are you saying I’m boring?”

“Yes. That’s what she’s saying, and she’s right.” He throws his arm around her casually. “Every week feels worse than the one before. Come out.”

“Why does this feel like an intervention?”

Evan shakes his head in protest, while Stacey nods taking it as an invitation to inform me that she’s apparently not pleased with how my life is going. “Growing old alone doesn’t look good on you.”

“What does going out have to do with growing old or being alone?”

“You’re always too busy being at everyone’s beck and call you never take time for yourself.”

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