Page 23 of Revive

Sasha

Itoss the phone on the passenger seat and pound on the steering wheel three times. I can’t believe I’m parked outside his house, and he just hung up on me.

Sitting here is irrational and so out of character, but after today, I couldn't let the last thing I see be him driving away from me, to be alone, withher.

The one and only other time I'd met Taylah we were watching Drix and Jagger play football for a Youth off the Streets fundraiser, and she didn’t hide how attractive she found him. She’s Emerson’s friend, Dakota was there, and he isn’t my man, so I seethed internally and let the day pass. It’s not like I can’t see how gorgeous he is, he’s perfect, grown up to be everything a woman wants her man to be.

But the bottom line is he isn’t mine, and for the first time in a long time, the reality of that is sitting heavy on my heart. I feel insane, conflicted, hurt, and defeated. I know I’m the reason we’re here. Every fight, every rejection, almost every reason we’re not together can be traced back to me. And for some unknown reason, I’m still here acting like I have a right to dictate how the rest of his life goes.

I step out of the car, slamming the door like it’s my own personal enemy, and head straight for his house. My knuckles rap at the door loudly. Only seconds have passed and I’m hammering at it again, even harder.

“Who is it?” he asks, his voice close, and the consequence of my decision on the cusp of evolving.

“Drix. It’s me.” The door swings open with more force than necessary, and the sight of him in front of me has every single one of my senses on full alert. Even with his frustration and anger on full display, he’s still so impressively beautiful. His hair points every which way, like he’s been running his fingers through the top for the last five hours. His eyes are tired. Dull and deflated, and I can’t help but feel responsible.

“Sasha?” He looks back at his bedroom then back at me. “We just got off the phone.”

“I was already outside,” I try to explain. “I told you, I wanted to see you.”

Closing his eyes, he looks down, his chin to his chest and shakes his head excessively. “This isnota good idea.”

“I know that, but I’m here now.” I step closer to him, and he steps back. The rejection stings, but it seems wrong to turn back now. “Can I come in?”

He presses his back against the door and gestures for me to walk through. Grinding his teeth, I know he’s anything but pleased.

I stand in the middle of his living room, battling the unwanted feeling, forcing myself to get through the discomfort. “Drix. I know I’m not welcome he—”

“Don’t lay the guilt on from the get-go.” He slams the door closed, effectively interrupting me. “For as long as Dakota has spent time here, you’ve always been welcome. But she’s not here, which doesn’t make you unwelcome, it just means I can’t work out why you’re here.” He folds his arms across his chest, and glares at me, his eyes hard and cold. “Do me a favour once and put me out of my goddamn misery, and tell me why you’re here.”

My chin begins to tremble, his resentment hurting more and more as each second goes by. I open my mouth, only to close it, fear getting the better of me.

“Tell me,” he urges.

“I’m so fucking lost, Drix.” The tears fall without warning, the confession a painful reminder of how conditional I’ve allowed my own happiness to become. “I’m miserable like this.”

A weak laugh leaves his mouth, as he hangs his head, and covers his eyes with his hands. He looks back up, his pained and confused expression mirroring mine. “And whose fault is that?” he asks. “Because it ain’t mine.”

“Don’t fall in love with her.”

His eyes widen, the words surprising us both. “What are you saying, Sasha?”

The tears fall harder. “Just promise me you won’t fall in love with her.” Habit has us walking toward one another, the small gap between us a stark contradiction to the reality of our situation.

“You’re talking about a woman I barely even know.”

“But I know. I saw the way she looked at you. The way she could look at you.” I wrap my arms around his torso and rest my cheek on his chest. He stiffens underneath my touch, warring with himself whether to hug me back or not. “She’ll love you right. She’ll love you better. She’ll give you a life that I can’t.”

He kisses the top of my head. “I don’t have any more pieces left of my heart you can fucking break.” Coupled with his heartbreaking revelation he holds me tighter and gentler than I deserve, igniting a rush of tears that become uncontrollable to contain.

“I’m sorry, Drix,” I hiccup through sobs. “I’m so sorry. I just need a little bit more time.”

“You’re telling me fifteen years wasn’t enough?”

“I can’t explain it.”

“Well until you can.” He moves back, and lowers his head, quickly pressing his mouth to mine. He moves painfully fast, and I’m unable to get my fill of him. “I can’t hear how you don’t want me anymore.”

Holding his face in my hands, I hold him tight enough, so all he can see is me. “I want you. I want you more than I can put into words.”

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