Page 92 of Tattered Edges

I nodded again, sure she was right, and sucked in a deep breath. It wasn’t until I’d gulped down a third that I realized she was breathing with me. No sooner had I gotten my breathing under control than I started crying.

“I can’t believe this is happening. I can’t be pregnant. I can’t be a mother. I can’t—I can’t do this. How did I let this happen? Oh my gosh, I’m such an idiot!” I cried, clapping a hand over my eyes.

“Honey, you’re not an idiot.”

“No. I am. I really am. I let him fuck me without a condom. This is all my fault.”

“Sawyer, honey…” She hesitated, and I peeked between my fingers in time to see her grimace a little before she continued, “You’ve never been on birth control. What were you thinking?”

I dropped my hand and stared at her pleadingly as I replied, “The first time was just heat of the moment, but he pulled out. Healwayspulls out—except once.”

“Yeah, about that, it only takes one time.”

“No—that’s not when it happened. I was already late the last time—it doesn’t matter. Fuck! How is it possible that I’m having this conversation? I’m sixteen all over again! No. I’m dumber than when I was sixteen. I didn’t get pregnant at sixteen.”

Diane tilted her head to one side and asked, “Didn’t you lose your virginity at nineteen?”

“So not the point right now!”

“Right. You’re right.”

I wiped at my cheeks aggravatedly, not entirely sure I knew what the point was anymore.

“Can I ask you a question?” I nodded with a sniffle, and she said, “You’re not an idiot. You’re not stupid or careless either. But you didn’t use a condom. Are you in love with him?”

“I don’t know,” I hiccupped.

“Okay, that’s fair,” she replied calmly. “You’ve got a lot on your mind right now.”

“Diane—I can’t be a mom. I don’t know how to be a mom.”

“Honey, I don’t think anyone knows how to be a mom—they just have babies and figure it out.”

“But what if I’m bad at figuring it out?”

She hesitated, studying me for a moment before she asked, “Do youwantto figure it out? You don’t have to.”

The second I registered what she was saying, my heart sank.

It didn’t make sense, and I couldn’t explain it even if I tried, but in a fraction of a second, I knew abortion wasn’t an option. Not for me. Something was happening in my body already—something unstoppable.

Unstoppable.

I shook my head—but before I could put words to what I was feeling, the act itself seemed to rattle my thoughts free.

I remembered Rory making love to me.

I remembered what it felt like when he told me I was enough.

I remembered the letter from Sawyer I’d read more times than I could recall. I saw in my mind’s eye the line where he said I was as beautiful as the love that conceived me.

I didn’t know whether or not I could be a suitable mother.

I didn’t know if I trusted myself enough to try.

But I knew, without a shadow of a doubt, I was going to have the baby.

“I won’t abort it. I can’t. I can’t do that.”

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