Page 91 of Tattered Edges

I had no idea what he meant, my mind in a fog of our own making.

“Believe what?”

He lifted his head away from mine so he could see into my eyes as he said, “That you’re enough. You’re so much more than enough.”

I didn’t know if what I felt was love—but I knew I’d never felt closer to anyone in my entire life, and I never wanted to forget that feeling.

The way he was looking at me, our bodies still joined, his words wrapping themselves around my heart.

No, I never, ever wanted to forget.

Because in that moment, Ididbelieve it.

I said as much with a tiny nod. Then, my eyes growing full of tears, I whispered, “I’m going to cry. Kiss me, baby. Now. Please.”

“With pleasure.”

Four Days Later

IwokeupFridaymorning and I knew. I just knew.

And yet, I managed to make it through the day as if nothing had changed. As if my life hadn’t completely shifted course. It wasn’t until after I closed the bookstore, after I walked to the nearest pharmacy,afterI found the aisle with the assortment of pregnancy tests that the seed of panic which had been planted on Monday morning began unfurling in my stomach.

I purchased one test and a bottle of water.

By the time I got home, the bottle was empty, and I had to pee.

When I was finished, I slid the cap back on the plastic stick, washed my hands, and left it in the bathroom as I went to pace back and forth along the hallway. Two minutes went by. Then five. Then ten.

I already knew the answer, but I wasn’t ready to look.

Instead, I pulled my phone out of my pocket and initiated a video call with Diane. It was midday in Palo Alto. She could have been at the gallery, or out to lunch, or at an offsite, checking out new art—but I needed her. So, when she didn’t answer after my first attempt, I immediately initiated another call. It was on my third try that she finally appeared on my screen.

“Hey! Sorry, my phone was on my desk, and I was out on the floor. Are you okay? You look—Sawyer? Are you okay?”

“No. I mean, I don’t know.”

The sudden urge to cry hit me square in the face. I furrowed my brow in an attempt to keep myself together, but the thought of saying it out loud for the first time wasterrifying.

“Honey, you’re scaring me. Say something.”

“I’m—I’m pregnant,” I breathed.

I watched as all the muscles in her face went slack. She blinked her eyes closed tight and then opened them as she asked, “Wait, what?”

It was then that I finally returned to the bathroom and picked up the plastic stick. I barely looked at it before I held it in front of the camera so Diane could see it.

My hands were trembling.

“Oh, shit.”

“Mmhmm,” I hummed as I dropped the test back on the counter, all the words in my head justgone.

“I—I—”

She was as speechless as I was. I nodded then lowered myself until I was sitting on the edge of the tub. All at once, it felt like my lungs were shrinking, and for a moment, I thought I might hyperventilate.

“Okay, so, I’m not going to tell you to calm down—because I understand that’s a ridiculous thing to say right now—but I’m going to need you to breathe. Big, deep breaths.”

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