Page 124 of Passed Ball

"I did the best I could, but I was just a kid."

"Yeah." The swing stops and he rounds it, coming to stand in front of me. "You gave her more at twelve than I could give her, and I don't know if I've ever said thank you for that."

"You don't have to thank me. Tenley needed me and I was there."

"She did, but she also deserved her father, and I failed both of you." Hands on his hips, he looks up to the sky, dragging in a shaky breath. "I failed Erica too. She made me promise to take care of the kids, not to shut down. She knew she was dying, and she begged me not to die alongside her."

I watch my oldest brother fall apart and it's nothing like the way he crumbled twenty years ago. The emotions he held back then are flowing out of him like a river and I don't know what to do, where to look. I think he needs me to sit and listen. So I stay on the swing, my feet planted in the dirt.

"She would hate the way I handled losing her. I think she could see it in those last moments--I wasn't going to be able to move on. And fuck, was she right?"

"She always was."

Leo snorts out a wet laugh. "Yeah, just ask her and she'd tell you, too."

"I miss her so much." A tear dots the dirt at my feet. "Losing her changed everything. I tried to give everyone what they needed because there was so much pain. Helping with Tenley gave me an outlet I didn't realize I needed--until it didn't. Everything else piled on top of it and I got lost in helping everyone with everything."

"Then Luca had Gio, and Gabe came along a year later. The twins were always around, too, and Cade was still a toddler. Everyone looked to you to help. We'd leave to work the vines for twelve hours a day and Mom would be in the tasting room six nights a week. You went to school and raised kids while you were still one yourself."

"Yeah. So I ran as fast and far as I could when I got the chance. All the way to Maryland."

He shakes his head. "We chased you away. None of this would have been possible without you, and not one of us ever stopped to acknowledge that or check on you, did we?"

"No, not really." I kick the dirt, smearing the divot where my tears are drying. "I needed to see who I was when I was on my own."

"And did you like what you found?" Leo asks.

"For a decade I thought I did, but now I'm not so sure." I look up to find him studying me, like that doesn't add up to him. "Until I met Xavier, I didn't realize what I was missing. But before him, Harlow and Tenley were my only real friends. I've kept people at arm's length my entire adult life, all in the name of independence and finding myself. It might have gotten me a career I love, but I want more than that."

I look up the rope at the big branch above. I remember like it was yesterday, Erica screaming at Leo not to fall or she was going to kill him as he hung this swing for her.

"I want a life that Erica would be proud of," I finally say.

My brother steps to the back of the swing, pulling it back as far as he can, leaving me suspended. "Then live that life."

"Like you're doing?"

"This conversation is about you, not me." And he lets me go. When I swing back to him, he gives me another push. "Where are you going to start? With the baseball player?"

I tilt my head back, enjoying the ride. "You're a secret gossip, aren't you?"

"If I tell you, it won't be a secret anymore."

"Can you do me a favor?"

"Maybe."

"Try to do the same. Erica would hate this for you. Try to find some happiness."

"Tenley and Cade are my happiness."

"And what happens when Cade goes to Twin Falls for school next year?" My nephew has a full ride to play football in Idaho and Leo will be all alone, like I've been for the past decade. He gives me another push but doesn't answer my question. "Your happiness doesn't have to be another person. Just do something for you that has nothing to do with this vineyard."

The swing slows to a stop, and I stand turning to face him. His lips are pressed into a line. He takes off his baseball hat, running his fingers through his salt and pepper hair.

"I'll try." He holds out his arm, and I step into his embrace. "But you need to do the same. Keep showing my daughter what it looks like to go after the life you want."

"I will."

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