Page 67 of Zachary

I climb onto the bed and sit with my legs crossed, and he perches on the edge of the mattress about a foot and a half away from me. The distance is a punch to the face, but after what he said about thinking I want to break up with him, I get it,

“I love you,” I say. That’s a good place to start, right? “We’re still new, and we’ve been going slow, but I know that. Just like I know that Hortplatz is going to be my home, and when I picture my life here, it’s with you.” I wince. “You do get a say in that. I’m not suggesting that I plan to keep you locked in my house or anything.”

He cracks a smile, and I take it as encouragement. “This last week… it wasn’t about you. Well, it kind of was. I wanted to…” Shit, this is hard to say out loud. “I wanted to please you.”

I’ve had enough practice reading demon faces that I can see the emotions playing out in his expression. He clears his throat. “Please me? So… this, tonight,” he gestures to the bed and the Ding Dong Dildo, “this isn’t because you’re, uh, not sexually attracted to me? Because it’s okay if that’s it,” he rushes to add. “If you’re demisexual or asexual and sex with me isn’t what you want, that’s okay. We can—”

Unable to resist, I close the distance between us and kiss him. How can I not? He’s perfect, and he wants me. Just me. All of me.

When I pull back, his gaze searches mine. “So… not that?”

“Not that,” I confirm. “I want to have sex with you. A lot. But I’m a virgin, and I didn’t want our first time to be… I don’t know,workfor you. I wanted to be able to give as good as I got. I wanted to know exactly what I liked and have some… some sexual confidence.”

Understanding dawns, and then a smile tugs at his lips. “Then… this whole week, you’ve been sending me home so you can experiment with a dildo?”

I nod, then shake my head. “The dildo only came today. I asked my friends for advice, and they said I should talk to you.” I make a face. “I should have listened to that bit. Then they sent me some helpful porn and the lube spell, told me to play with myself, and bought me some toys.”

Zac’s jaw drops. “That’s… friendship. Uh… toys, plural? I mean…” He shakes his head. “We can talk about that later. If you need time to p-play with yourself and toys”—his breathing is getting a little shaky—“then that’s what you need. I’m happy for you to take all the time in the world, Ronan. Whatever you want.I wish you’d told me, but I guess I could have asked you what was going on instead of just freaking out.”

I snort. “What you’re saying is that we need to communicate better? Who would have guessed. It’s not like our whole relationship hasn’t been one huge miscommunication after another.”

He laughs. “New rule—full disclosure. How’s that sound?”

“Deal.”

“Okay, so then I need to tell you… I talked to Gideon a while back. Asked him if he knew anything about your past. I didn’t want to accidentally bring up bad memories for you, and I was hoping he’d have some insight.”

My whole body feels like lead, and I drop my gaze to my lap. “Wh-What did he say?”

“That you had a shitty childhood and even telling me that much was enough to get us all in trouble. He said to leave it alone. And I will—I swear. But I needed to tell you because the other day I called him again to find out when your birthday is.”

My head snaps up. “What?” Isthatwhy Hagen was asking all those questions?

“I didn’t want to ask you in case you had trauma about it, but I wanted to know if I could throw a party for you.”

The grin that spreads across my face is so wide, I think it might become its own entity. “You want to throw me a birthday party?”

He nods. “A big one. It was going to be a surprise, but I can find other ways to surprise you. I think it’s more important that I’m honest with you now. I went behind your back to ask questions about something I knew you didn’t want to talk about.”

The grin doesn’t fade. For the first time ever, thinking about my past doesn’t kill my mood. Why should it, when my future is so bright?

“Thank you. I promise I’ll pretend to besosurprised at the party. I have to, because my friends think they’re sneaky, and they’ll be heartbroken if they find out I already know.”

The last of his concern leaves his face, and he chuckles. “Not just them. Garrett’s cousin Alistair is way too into this.”

I’ve met Alistair a few times. The first, he was scary. But he’s a friend of Wil’s, and once Wil accepted me, it flipped a switch for Alistair. We’re not friends, but he’s been friendly to me. Though apparently he’s that way with most people he meets.

Taking Zac’s hand, I say quietly, “I really can’t tell you much about my past. Gideon’s right—you already know more than you should. And I didn’t have it too bad while I was living it—the worst came when I realized what I’d been denied. When I realized that I’d done things I’ll never stop regretting. I never had a birthday—I don’t even know when I was hatched, exactly. So I’ve chosen one. And I want to share it with my family and friends every damn year, because I don’t have to spend the rest of my life in the prisonhemade me.” I’ve said too much, but from the way Zac’s face sets, I know he’d never give me away. Never betray my secret.

“Gideon said he’s dead.”

I nod. “Yes.”

“Then every year, we celebrate your birthday and spit on his memory. Everyday.”

A tear runs down my cheek. “Every day.” I swipe away the liquid, then smile at him. “Including today. How do you feel about deflowering a virgin?”

A laugh bursts from him. “Deflowering?”

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