Page 30 of If Our Hearts Collide

“Thanks for being here, Collins. It means a lot.”

My lips curl into a smile. “I wouldn’t have missed it, Pen. Happy birthday.”

Penny’s face lets me know that tonight brought her joy. She’s running on a high, perhaps from having her family surrounding her or simply from just being home.

She looks happy.

Content.

Fulfilled.

And in this moment, that is all that matters.

6

PENNY

It’s when I’m calm and my heart is quiet and at a peaceful rest that the demon finds me, putting his evil hold on everything he can touch. Images of terror still flutter through my head, like a ghostly incubus trying to bring me down to its nefarious world.

I thought time would heal the wounds that were caused when I was drugged and almost raped. But the more time that passes only makes me doubt my inner strength and, in return, lose hope that I can one day be released from all this subconscious baggage.

The pain from that horrible experience is so deeply rooted in the decisions I make now that I’m starting to wonder if it is now part of my identity.

While staying at Soulful Mind, I toyed with the idea of starting up a relationship. However, my mind could not cope with the uncertainty of whether or not I would get hurt by a man again.

Sure, I flirted with a few of the outside workers who would frequent the center. But I knew deep down that the chance of having an actual connection was unrealistic.

Who will want to be with me, when I flinch at the first signs of intimacy? I’m a freak, and it’s not the good type of freak that men want in bed.

I am jumpy and timid.

While I only had one real sexual encounter before the whole incident with Mark, I’m still very much the awkward girl fumbling around with her hands and her messed-up feelings. I don’t even know what to search for, when I’m too inexperienced to notice when I actually find it.

One thing is for certain; I am desperate to connect in a meaningful way with something—or someone.

Anything.

My heart yearns for a feeling of fullness.

Sure, I have a loving family that continues to grow, but I want more. I need more.

So perhaps if I flood my system with relationship opportunities, I will detox my brain from all of my triggers and be able to function again as a normal, healthy woman in her twenties.

I grab my old journal off my nightstand and double-check the list I created for myself.

I’m tired of being stagnant. I am tired of limiting myself by my past.

Today is a new day—a starting point.

I know I have some baggage to carry, but if I don’t try to move forward, I will forever have the burden of my past on my shoulders.

The problem with not being able to drive is that I’m at the mercy of someone to be available in my life to take me places. I hate relying this heavily on others. If I’m going to be independent, then I need to learn how to drive.

I still can’t believe Graham and Nic bought me a car. It is a big step for them to relinquish this level of control over to me.They must realize how determined I am to start living my own life again.

I go back to the search box and type in “driving lessons,” waiting for Google to present me with some viable options. I click on a few of the top-rated links, jotting down the information for some classes. I already had my permit from passing the written knowledge test a year ago. However, I haven’t really had practice out on the road.

Perhaps I was a late bloomer.

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