Page 15 of If Our Hearts Collide

But I love them with my whole heart.

Stubbornness runs in our family, so we are all bound to clash at times.

I twirl my pen into my hair, wrapping a strand around it. And just for fun, I add a few more goals. If you can’t challenge yourself, then your life will forever be boring.

12. Have wild, passionate sex (and actually enjoy it)

13. Go to a sex toy store (and buy something fun and unexpected)

Feeling satisfied with my to-do list, I roll to my side and reach for my beverage. I pop open the tab, hearing the satisfying sound of the fizz. Despite the therapy facility having stellar food, I often would hit up the vending machine during our walkabout hour each evening and make a junk food buffet, using the exorbitant amount of money my brothers would add to my account card. I guess it was my way of preserving some normalcy in my life, when everything else seemed so out of place.

As much as it’s nostalgic living back here at my parents’ house, I need to do things on my own. Tomorrow, I’ll be another year older, and the last thing I need is to get comfortable being stagnant.

Grabbing my phone, I open up the search engine and type in “roommate needed in Portland,” and then click to search. Several app and service ads fill up the screen, allowing me to scroll through to see which one looks the most professional. Settling on Roommate Finder, I open up the App Store and download it. I eat some fruit while I wait for it to install.

Knowing that I want to live in the city helps me narrow down the location. I want to stay west of the rivers to avoid some of the college students seeking out a roommate. I have no intention of going back after being gone for so long. Even when I did attend,I wasn’t sure it was the right choice for me anyway. A formal education may have worked for Graham and Nic, but I’ve always been the one to go against the grain.

I guess I could look for a modeling job. I am less naive than I was before. Trauma will do that to a person. I could also waitress or apply to a clothing store. My skill set is limited, but at least my willingness to put forth the effort is abundant.

I fill out the personal information form for the app and allow the tool to find me the perfect rental and roommate based on what I need and what I can comfortably afford. Maybe I’ll even meet someone friendly and we can become friends.

Dropping out of college early definitely took away several opportunities to meet and connect with people my age. Sure, I had friends in high school, but our lifestyle choices didn’t align, and connections faded over time. Then, being in Seattle and having people there just temporarily didn’t allow me to develop strong friendships.

I’m nearly positive I’d have made a horrible friend during that chapter of my life anyway.

Friends listen. Friends share emotions. Friends want to hang out.

I was incapable of doing any of those things. If you don’t nurture relationships, they don’t tend to grow.

When the app stops searching, I have eighteen possibilities to sift through. I choose my top three favorites and do a virtual tour of the building and rental units. A thrill of excitement rushes through me at the chance of starting fresh again. I can be anyone I want to be, and it’s my choice on what to share or not share with others about my hiatus this past year.

Feeling daring—something I haven’t felt in so long—I click “accept” for the apartment that appeals to me after the tour. I have a month to test out the lease. If I am not happy there, I can always move again. The bonus is that on this particularunit, there already is a match for a roommate that meets the requirements for the filters I set for the search. Win-win if you ask me.

Gathering up my items, I pack them into my bag and make my way back toward the house. Things are already feeling brighter. Maybe I can assimilate myself back into the real world more smoothly than I was originally planning.

I just hope that Graham and Nic aren’t going to be hurdles to jump over. I need to do some things on my own. Surely they can understand that? I lost too much time to be idle and complacent now. I just need to play my cards right and give my brothers the illusion that they are in control. The last thing I need is for them to jack up all of my plans.

4

COLLINS

“I’m so happy you’re here, Collins,” Donna greets.

She takes my gift and sets it on a small table near the door, and then gives me a hug—a real one.

I take a polite step back after we detach, lowering my gaze toward the floor. “I’m very thankful to be asked.”

It feels good to be wanted—especially by the matriarch of the Hoffman family. She has always given me the warmest welcome. I’d be lying if I claimed not to compare her active presence in her children’s lives with what I grew up missing.

I wouldn’t call it jealousy. It’s just an observation—paired with admiration.

“I know my Graham works you to the bone. I wouldn’t be surprised if you all of a sudden quit.”

I chuckle over her coddling. She may appear sweet, but she packs a punch with her spitfire personality.

Something tells me that Penny will share that in common with her mom.

I’ve gotten good at standing back and observing. I can learn a lot about a person just by watching them—their mannerisms, reactions to adversity, and nervous tendencies. All these clues letme in on the core of a person. It’s like my brain creates a virtual catalog of the information, tucking it away for safekeeping, as a just-in-case resource.

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