Page 14 of If Our Hearts Collide

I place my bag down onto the grass and then spread out the pink-and-white checkered blanket. I thought changing my hair and buying a few new clothes would shake me out of this rut. However, I think I need to set some reachable goals and come up with a viable action plan to home in on what I really want to get out of this next chapter of my life.

If there was one thing I learned this past year, it’s that the time is now. Tomorrow is not guaranteed.

Mark Tanner might still think he’s the demon lurking around in my life, but the real predator is time and our inability to stop it from progressing forward.

Second by second…

No matter how I look at it, I lost opportunities while at Soulful Mind, and that’s time I’ll never get back.

But I did gain a better understanding of my own self.

And that intrinsic knowledge is priceless.

While I might lack the foresight to achieve my goals, I at least have self-awareness of what I really want out of life.

Simply put—I want to live. Live for today. Live for tomorrow. And live for the hope of a better future.

I pull out my journal and pen before finding refuge in the center of the blanket. Birds tweet melodically in the neighboring trees, while my newly dyed blonde hair blows in the breeze.

I push the top of the pen against the notebook to extend the point. I flip through the filled pages, noticing that my entire journal is full. I don’t even have a page left. How did I not notice until now? I flip open the back cover and decide that the empty margins will work for now. I can always transfer my list to a fresh book later.

I start writing, allowing my brain to just dump ideas out onto the small section of blank space.

Goals for the Summer:

1. Make at least one female friend

2. Find a job

3. Learn to shoot a gun

4. Move out of my parents’ house

5. Step out of my comfort zone

6. Buy something frivolous

7. Get my driver’s license

8. Kiss aboyman

I take a deep breath as I think about the last couple of goals that I need to work on in order to overcome some of themental stress my brain endures when faced with a few triggering challenges involving men.

9. Allow someone to tie me up

10. Give a man permission to blindfold me

11. Kiss a random stranger

I reach into my bag and pull out my sandwich. Peeling back the wrapper, I take a bite. I reread my scattered list, trying to think of anything else to add to it. At least I have a road map to what needs to be done to gain a bit more independence and be a little less fearful of everything that crosses my path.

Mark Tanner may not have raped me when I was incapacitated. However, my brain still hasn’t been able to separate the feeling of being violated from what actually happened. If I ever have hopes of getting a boyfriend, I need to be able to fully function when things get intimate and not freak out at the first intentionally suggestive touch.

Ha. Who am I kidding? I’m pretty sure Graham and Nic will scare off any guy that even tries to get near me—long before clothes start shedding.

They proved as much when any guy at the facility would go from talking to me to completely ignoring me, in a matter of days. If I’m going to work on my goals, I need to do it without my two overbearing shadows.

Who needs an overprotective father, when you have two controlling brothers who basically have zero qualms about background checking anyone who comes within a six-foot radius? How Angie and Claire can function with their hovering men is a mystery to me.

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