Page 90 of Implode

When everyone arrives downstairs, Germain silences the room with a whistling sound. “I’d like to make a toast,” he says, holding up his glass. “To friends, to family, and to the future. Let love guide your ways and hope bring the spark of new possibilities.”

“Cheers,” everyone says in unison.

“And to Angie and Graham,” Nic says, keeping his glass raised in the air. “Thank you for being a great example of taking a chance and having it pay off. Let those who are skeptics bear witness to your love and forever find hope.”

“Here, here,” Germain says, kissing Donna on the forehead.

I look around the room and see all of the smiling faces. The entire atmosphere is vibrant but calming. I could get used to this. Growing up, I never had a stable home. It was just a house. A lonely house without a heart.

I thought I would miss Virginia after I got back to Oregon and had a chance to decompress. Nope. I barely have any good memories there, so the emotional attachment is lacking. Thus, I don’t miss it at all. What’s to miss? Feeling like I am a burden and would have been better off if I were given up for adoption? It’s not healthy to dwell on a dysfunctional past, so I push all of my ill thoughts into the back caverns of my mind. I can unpack them later or keep them buried forever.

I don’t even realize that everyone is eating until Nic hands me a plate full of a little of everything. “I wasn’t sure what you wanted. So I just kept adding stuff to it.”

“Oh, thanks,” I say, taking it from his hands. Nic just nods and takes a seat on the couch next to Penny. “You didn’t have to do that.” My words come out as an airy whisper. He really didn’t have to serve me. And I wish he hadn’t. Every nice gesture is blurring the lines between us, making it hard to see where I stand. If his mom wasn’t so wrapped up in snapping photos of Angie and Graham, she might have noticed Nic’s special treatment toward me. Does he want his family to notice? All of this uncertainty is messing with my head and causing me to question what I really want. There’s no closure. There’s no clean break. What I am in the middle of right now is a jumbled mess of emotions, what-ifs, and societal obligations.

I wait until everyone else finds their place and then sit on the armchair in the corner, alternating my time between eating and observing. It is interesting watching the Hoffman family dynamics unfold. Penny is an instigator and likes to add her two cents in wherever she can—if only for a reaction. Her personality is quirky, and I bet if we spent more time together, we could really have fun.

For the first time since meeting him, I notice that Collins can be normal. He and the guys are discussing spring sports and enjoying some beer. Just from the way he is sitting, I can tell he is unwinding. I am so used to seeing him being rigidly formal that being a witness to any other behavior seems a bit bizarre. He is not dressed in pajamas, but he definitely is more laid-back in his khakis and collared shirt. His sleeves are rolled up at his elbows, and the top two buttons are undone. From the little bit of skin that he has exposed, I can tell he is built. Shouldn’t be surprising since he is basically Graham’s bodyguard and right-hand man.

“Can you believe you will be getting married in just two days?” Donna asks Angie, who is beaming with happiness.

“It all seems so surreal,” she admits. “Like I’m being awarded everything I’ve ever wanted.”

I want that feeling of euphoria that Angie is currently basking in right now. Who wouldn’t want to be worshipped and adored by a man who can provide a life for you better than any you could ever dream up? That is what Graham does for Angie. He basically has painted her gray world with a fresh palette of colors.

“I’m just glad that my Graham didn’t mess this relationship up and let you slip through his fingers. Heaven knows my boys are not the easiest to love.”

I glance over at Nic who seems to have his attention on the happy couple. How will I ever be able to truly let him go when he has already captured such a deep place in my heart?

“It is worth it though,” Angie says with a smile. “You definitely have raised three amazing people. So thank you, Donna and Germain, for your hand in sculpting Graham into a wonderful man.”

Graham scoops Angie up and kisses her so passionately that I start to sweat. Sometimes their love is so intense that I need to look away. It is like I don’t want to diminish it by staring.

I used to think that the chance of finding love is worth the challenging journey to get there. However, right now, I’m not so sure. Seeing the happiness of my best friend, coupled with the looming fact that I am pregnant, makes it impossible for me to get out of this situation without being heartbroken. If I had kept things platonic with Nic from the start, I would not be in this mess today. He seduced me into his orbit. He got me away from Ethan.

While I should be thankful that he helped me to see that Ethan was a horrible fit for me, I am also a bit resentful that he gave me the illusion of happiness. I know what I want, but I have no clear path to actually getting it. Makes me wonder if any of this was worth it— knowing that everything I have ever wanted could be flushed down the drain by a single throat swab.

My phone buzzes with an incoming text, and I fish it out of my pajama pants pocket to see that Nic is texting me. I glance up and see his smirk as he opens his mouth for his fork to enter. How can that man make eating such a stimulating experience for my senses?

I click on the notification.

Nic: Quit daydreaming.

Claire: Stalker

Nic: Eat your food.

Claire: Quit staring at me.

Nic: Quit looking pretty.

Claire: Your family will figure it out.

Nic: What don’t you want them to figure out, Claire?

I think about the question, and when I have no good response, I tuck my device back into my pocket.

I eat my food despite having a heavy heart. I just keep pushing my feelings back and back and back, until I can’t feel anything but numbness. Today is not the day to be emotional. I need to let this all be about Angie and Graham.

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