Page 80 of Implode

“I’ll get us a paternity test scheduled,” Nic says with defeat.

I can feel him pulling back. I can sense the utter shock he once harbored now shifting to the logistical nightmare being with me will now cost him.

And deep down inside, I know I’m not worth it.

“May the best man win,” Ethan snickers, making me want to hurl my fist at his face. “Chat later, Claire. Just let me know when to show up for my test. Oh, are there any other candidates? I know how much you like men.”

Picking Ethan up, Nic tosses him out into the hallway, growls out some unintelligible words of another warning, and then slams my door shut. Shaking off his hand, he rests his back against the frame.

“Any more surprises I should know about?”

I look up at a broken Nic and shake my head no. “I wanted to tell you, but I just—”

“Didn’t think I would make a good father?” he probes.

“What? No,” I yell back. “You made it clear to me that you never wanted kids. I was pulling away from you because I didn’t want us to get more involved, but you are relentless and kept pursuing me.”

“Yeah, before I had all the information.”

I frown. “Yeah. But now you know everything.”

“I’m going to go,” he says sadly. “I have too much on my mind right now to think clearly. Last thing I need to do is something I’ll regret in the morning.”

“Okay…”

I move toward my door and watch the best man I have ever met walk through it, and something tells me he won’t be back any time soon.

* * *

I wake up to the sound of my own heart breaking as I cry out from a nasty nightmare. I sit up in bed and pant for air, as I make sense of my reality and the dream. Problem is that my reality could easily turn into a living nightmare if Ethan is the father—and he pretty much confirmed it hours ago. I can’t tell if Ethan really wants to father my child or just wants to punish me. Regardless, I trust his threats. He will stop at nothing to strip me of my rights if he has any say about it.

After a little searching on the Internet last night, I was able to determine that a paternity test could be done at any of the local hospitals. I just need the potential fathers to show up and get an oral swab test done—while I am subjected to the blood test. It is a small price to pay for peace of mind throughout the rest of the pregnancy, but I need to get through this wedding first. I have enough on my plate as is, and avoidance seems like self-care right now.

From my nightstand, I grab my phone and open it to find a group text from Nic’s mom requesting that all bridal party members arrive at her house the day before the rehearsal dinner for an overnight stay. When Donna and I sat down to finalize plans for the rehearsal dinner, it was a lack in judgment for me to suggest doing it at her house in Hillsboro. This was me setting this whole thing into motion. I just didn’t think ahead about my heart’s reaction to seeing Nic’s childhood home again, but this time—knowing that our relationship is damaged—is another reminder of all that I have lost.

I didn’t just lose the man. I also lost the chance of a brighter tomorrow.

I roll out of bed and bump into my nightstand on the way to the bathroom. My apartment feels smaller and smaller these days, and I haven’t even purchased anything for the baby yet. After having Ethan visit last night, I know now that having him as the father is the absolute worst nightmare scenario out of my two options. Even if Nic and I don’t end up together, he is by far the better choice. At the very least, I won’t have to fight to be in my child’s life. How it took me this long to realize that is yet another bad judgment on my part. It wouldn’t surprise me if Ethan is happy I’m pregnant just to hold it over me for leverage.

Warming up the shower, I get undressed and look into the slowly steaming mirror. I have a barely-there bump forming in my lower tummy that stands out because my frame is so small. It is hard to imagine what it’ll look like when I can’t see my feet. I should be thankful that I’ll have someone to love me without conditions. What I lacked growing up, I promise to never withhold from my child—even if I can’t get along with their father. I want this baby to know it is loved and cherished, and despite being conceived with less than ideal circumstances, I will spend forever proving to it that it is wanted.

Getting ready in the morning takes more time these days, as I struggle to keep on top of the nausea. I have found that if I eat some crackers and drink my lemon-wedged ginger ale, I can diminish the morning sickness. With all of the drama that went down last night, I am dreading going into work today and possibly running into Nic. I promised Angie that there would be no drama for her wedding, and if I see him and burst into tears, that isn’t exactly keeping everything civil. I’m not sure I can do chill right now. I have to keep my emotions in check, but it feels like I am one harsh look away from a breakdown.

Aside from the bleeding after the fall, I have not had any more spotting. I know it can happen again, but for now I am glad everything seems back to normal.

In a bin under my bed, I find a red strapless sundress, which has a little silver butterfly embellishment under the decorative elastic band of my chest. I pair it with white slip-on sandals that are flat enough to hopefully keep me from falling down.

When I am ready, I text Angie to see if she wants to meet up at the coffee shop that is in the parallel tower at HH.

I make it through security and head up to the office to drop off my bag before heading over to meet Angie. At my desk, I find a little envelope addressed to me with the most beautiful calligraphy handwriting. I open up the back flap and remove a little card. I read the message—Sometimes a surprise is better than the expected.

Turning the card over, I look for a sender. Nothing. I’m not surprised by the lack of signature. Nic has been known to put surprises in my office in the past and not take credit.

I put the card back into the envelope and tuck it inside the drawer of my desk. Maybe Nic left this for me yesterday when the secrets were still concealed between the two of us. Maybe he put it there this morning after learning about the surprise baby. Regardless, it doesn’t prove anything has gotten better between us. We are as rocky as we have been from the start. Just because you know the avalanche is going to hit you doesn’t make the pain of it any more bearable. I can brace myself all I want for the paternity test results, but I already know that I’m going to have to work overtime to prove to this baby that it is not a mistake.

Angie is waiting for me when I get down to the other building’s lobby.

“Hey you.”

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