Page 72 of Implode

We bend our legs and prop one up on the mattress so we can look at one another. If I’m going to make this better, I have to face her head-on and be vulnerable. The bullshit stops today.

“Somewhere between the Vegas trip and now, I fell in love with Nic Hoffman.”

“Took you long enough to admit it,” Angie says.

“You already knew?”

“I had my suspicions. I mean, you guys did kiss. But I also know that Nic has some issues.”

“I didn’t want to fall in love with him, but some things are just out of our control. Nic has all the qualities I should have tried to avoid, and trust me, I tried. He is controlling, frustrating, overprotective, and so wonderfully attentive. He understands me and encourages me to be myself. I have always been not enough for any man I associated with. I finally found the one man who makes me feel alive, but he is a commitment-phobe.”

“He’s been hurt in the past,” Angie explains.

I nod. “That is an understatement. Nic turned my life upside down. He made me see that Ethan is a horrible match for me. He pursued me relentlessly, and when I finally gave in and allowed myself to fall, he decided not to catch me.”

“You guys broke up?” Angie inquires with sadness in her voice.

“Yeah.”

“When?”

“When I was staying at your place while Graham went to New York. I’ve been having a secret relationship with Nic almost since we returned from Vegas. Ethan kicked me out of the apartment we shared. He has several secret properties, and then decided he wanted to go back with Deena. Having Ethan and Nic in Vegas made it easy for me to compare how each made me feel. Ethan made me feel like a gold digger who didn’t have a brain. Actually, he goes out of his way now to tell me that. Nic made me feel like I am smart and that my opinion matters. I thought I was choosing between good and bad, but what happens if both are bad?”

Angie frowns, which is exactly what I didn’t want to have happen. This should be the most exciting time of her life, and now I’m dumping cold water all over her happiness.

“Why not tell me? Why keep this all to yourself? I could’ve helped.”

“Because you are planning a wedding of your dreams, and the last thing you need is the maid of honor and the best man to have any animosity toward each other while we celebrate you and Graham tying the knot.”

“But you obviously do have negative feelings. So how did keeping it all to yourself help in any way?”

“It didn’t help; it just made things worse,” I admit.

“Keep going. You guys got back together?”

“Yeah. And when I took the trip back home to Virginia, where I learned my mom basically regretted having me and started dating a guy I went to high school with, I came back to Portland with Nic opening more than just his arms for me. He shared a part of his heart with me and has painted a vision of hope inside my head that I want even more than I could have dreamed.”

“What was it?” Angie probes.

“He showed me glimpses of what life with him could be like. How we could mold to one another and share our aspirations. He let me know that it was safe again to fall. He apologized for our breakup. We connected on a soul level, and I thought he was the one for me.”

“But he’s not?”

I sigh. “He can’t be.”

“Why the hell not?” she probes, looking at me like I am dense.

“Because I’m pregnant,” I blurt out.

Angie shakes her head as if something is stuck in her ears. “You’re what?”

“Pregnant.” I haven’t said the word much out loud, and hearing my own voice proclaim it makes it seem more real.

“Holy cannoli.”

“And to top it all off, I don’t know who the father is.” I sound defeated. I turn away to avoid Angie’s reaction, and then I feel her arms wrap around me and hug me close to her body, and I weep with the ugliest tears. “I have cried more in the past weeks than I have in years. Maybe the anxiety of everything is getting to me. Maybe I am being forced to mature overnight."

“It’s going to be alright,” she soothes. “You wait and see.”

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