Page 40 of Implode

Because we are both in the same relative location, Tyler and I decide to meet face-to-face. I just never thought he would have chosen a frilly tea shop to be the venue.

“Remind me the logic behind this particular choice,” I say, glancing around the space. For it still being the morning, I’d expect to find more patrons, but we are the only ones present.

“No one will ever expect to find us here. Plus, their butter toffee scones are”—he does a chef’s kiss—“divine.”

“I need a favor.”

“As long as I get my future Christmas bonus, I’ll try my best to grant it.”

Ignoring his lame-ass commentary, I proceed. “I need a vagina cookie delivered to HH.”

“I, um,”—Tyler scratches the back of his neck—“was not expecting those words to come out of your mouth. Do you have any graphic images so I can know exactly what to tell the baker?”

“What? No. Can you just get me one?”

“Are we still talking about cookies?”

I give him a blank stare. “Yes.”

“Sounds super tasty for a substitute for the real deal. I’m getting myself one as well.”

“Whatever.”

11

CLAIRE

I am only alone in the Plus None office for a few minutes before Angie arrives, followed by our employees. Since it’s Monday, we have our weekly round-up meeting where we discuss our goals and plan for progress. Due dates are reiterated and marked on the company’s huge vision board that is on display in the common area.

I embrace my jam-packed morning schedule but cannot seem to push Nic into the back of my head where he can commingle with Tara alone.

I never let anyone think Tara did anything wrong. We were friends and everyone in the school knew it. No one would have believed me anyway.

There was a certain stigma surrounding me then, and while at first I tried to convince others to see me for who I was on the inside, it became a comfort when I just submitted to their ignorant views and played the role.

Sometimes the lies are easier to believe than the truth.

Despite growing up in a nice neighborhood that was affluent, I was very much treated like the girl from the wrong side of the tracks. Everyone thought they had me pegged as the troubled girl who spread her legs for anyone who was willing. Truth of the matter was, I barely had any sexual experience, and the memories I did have from the experiences were uneventful. It wasn’t until I went to college that I started to take things seriously and stopped using men as a way to feel less lonely. I obviously resorted back to my old habits, because once the agency work for Entice basically fell into my lap, I jumped on the opportunity and turned it into my self-fulfilling prophecy.

A tiger can’t change its stripes.

And no matter how hard I try, I can’t change my past.

Sure, I can sit and sulk over how unseen I felt back then. However, those moments in my past helped me to spread my wings and transform into the person I am today—flaws and all. Growing up financially affluent but emotionally deprived helped me to learn what I wanted for myself when I moved to Portland and met Angie. Unfortunately the consequences of having two uninvolved parents didn’t help me be able to find stable relationships—no matter how hopeful I am when I meet men.

Unless he’s wearing a diaper, you cannot change him.

And the cycle of finding the wrong men for me—ones who cause me emotional harm—may never stop. Unless I stop.

Maybe I’m destined to be single. Maybe I deserve to be single. Maybe my life would be better if I was single.

This baby deserves to have a mommy who doesn’t cry all the time. This baby deserves everything that I never had growing up.

Love.

Stability.

And to go through life never thinking it’s a mistake.

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