Page 105 of Implode

“When did you do this? And why?”

“I have been working on it for weeks and wanted to show you just how I see you.”

“And how is that?” I ask.

“I see you as if you are the most beautiful sunflower in an empty field. You are wild and free. No one can compare to your beauty, and when I am around you, it is like nothing else exists.”

I don’t know what to say, so I just turn my attention to the screen and watch as picture after picture fills up the frame to the rhythm of the music. I didn’t even realize some of these pictures existed. I imagine some were taken from security footage, and the idea of being watched should freak me out more than it does. Have I just gotten used to it?

That’s the fear I have with being with Nic. Is he going to do things “in my best interest” but not give me a choice? He seems to run by his own set of rules. I refuse to lose myself entirely in a relationship, then one day wake up and not even recognize who I am.

The song changes over and some pictures of us together flood the screen. Nic pulls me closer and draws lazy circles on my back, sending tingles up my spine. He went through a lot of work to make this slideshow, and when it ends, I am left speechless and confused.

Can I truly be happy denying myself the love that Nic is learning to freely offer? He is doing everything I thought I wanted him to do for months. Now that he is opening up and being vulnerable, what am I doing? I’m keeping him at arm’s length. Is the timing all wrong? Am I missing my chance at a lifetime of happiness because I am afraid to take a leap of faith and trust the man who has let me down in the past?

“You’re being awfully quiet,” Nic says absently, while shutting off the TV when the show ends.

“There’s just a lot on my mind.”

“I know, baby. And I want to reassure you that I will wait.”

“Wait? For what exactly?” I ask, turning my attention to his face so I can see his eyes. That’s where I can find the truth.

“For you to realize that we are meant for each other.”

“Maybe we were.”

“Are.”

I shake my head. “I’m struggling with this pregnancy. I’m an adult who is dealing with trauma that started in my childhood.”

“I’m sorry, baby girl,” Nic says, kissing my forehead. “Your family doesn’t deserve you. How well you turned out despite having a shitty past is a testament to just how amazingly resilient you are as a human. You never cease to amaze me. No child ever needs to grow up feeling unwanted or as a burden.”

“That’s what I’m desperately trying to avoid for this baby.”

“This baby is going to be loved, Claire. It has you as a mommy,” he says with such reverence that I can’t help but cry. “Oh baby, don’t cry. If only you would be open to trusting me to take care of you.” He places soft kisses on my forehead and breathes into my hair. His strength is my comfort.

“Your family is going to hate me if you are with me and Ethan ends up being the father.”

He sighs. “Even if that happens—which it won’t—I am a grown man and don’t let the opinions of others dictate my own. I will stand up and fight for what I want.”

“And if he is the father, he’ll stop at nothing to rip this baby from me.”

“And I’ll stop at nothing to protect what I already feel is mine,” he growls. “Wash your mind of that fucking prick, because if he threatens you one more time, he might not breathe another day.”

“Nic…”

“Forget him, Claire. I’m still trying to do right by you for all the past pain I caused you. I went about everything the wrong way. And saying sorry right now seems pathetic compared to the weight of my transgressions, yet I am out of options that will be substantial enough for you to see that I am here. I am here, baby girl. And I’m not going anywhere. I’m done being emotionally inept. I’m done pretending that life would be better without the chance of heartbreak, when having the chance in and of itself is what causes me to actually live.”

I take a deep breath, hold it, and then let it out. “Everything is just so complicated.”

“True love is gritty and raw. It’s that feeling deep inside the soul. Claire, you are interwoven into my thoughts when I wake up and when I go to sleep. We are like grains of sand mixed together, no longer able to be separated. That’s what you do to me. You make me want to try to be better. Give us a chance, baby. I want you. I will always want you.”

“I want you too, Nic. I’ve only been trying to convince myself that I don’t and it’s a lie.” I lift my head to gain access to his lips. “I am tired of holding back,” I say as I keep kissing him. “I’m done lying to myself.”

Nic’s eyes light up, and his body releases tension that I never noticed he was carrying until his muscles relax. He lets out an exhale and then devours my lips, kissing me with such passion that I feel like I am being worshipped.

I’m not naive enough to think that this journey is not going to have struggles or obstacles to get over. However, I am tired of trying to do this by myself. Maybe everything leading up to this very moment was meant to teach me that sometimes it is okay to not be okay. Right now, I am hurting and terrified about what will happen with my future, but with certainty, I want Nic to be in it.

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