Page 101 of Implode

Being without Claire would be like living without the sun. I would be coldhearted and just trying to survive in the darkness.

“We can’t keep blurring the lines.”

“There are no more lines, baby. Boundaries are no longer being stretched. My feelings for you are limitless.”

Maybe in the beginning there were, when we were both convinced that getting involved with each other would be awkward for the family-friendship dynamics. Claire and Angie are best friends, so things would get messy if we started dating and it didn’t work out. I never planned on dating anyone after Tara. However, when Claire entered my orbit, I couldn’t resist. I had to have her. Now, I don’t want to let her go. I did that once and saw what life would be like without her, and I refuse to go to that place again.

She shakes her head and looks away. What do I have to do to prove to her that I am not going to leave her ever again? Never.

I help her down off the vanity and straighten out her dress.

“You are so fucking beautiful. You know that?”

“Please stop.”

“Stop what?”

“Being nice to me. Stop being the perfect boyfriend I would have wanted in another time in my life. You are saying all the right things and yet I keep stabbing myself in the heart every time I allow myself to engage with you. I can’t keep doing this to myself. Things are different now. I ampregnant. I have to stop being selfish and think about what is best for this child and not just me.”

I pull her to me and kiss her forehead. My hands cup her cheeks, and I stare into her solemn eyes wishing with every part of me that I could remove her sadness and promise her that everything will be alright. I know when we leave this room, Claire will force herself to avoid me, and even though I know her reasons, I don’t agree with them or like them. “What if I am best for you and for this child?”

“C’mon, Nic. Do you know the first thing about raising a child? Because I barely do. It’s not like I have had that much experience with babies. Do you know how my body is going to change and how I am not going to have time anymore for the things I used to love? Quit making this harder for me. It is what it is. It has to be easier ending this now than ending it after the baby is born, when you come to the realization that life will forever be different. The last thing I need is for you to one day wake up and start treating the baby like my dad treated me.”

I swallow hard as I recall witnessing her broken heart when I picked her up at the airport from her trip to Virginia. I never want to see that degree of pain in her eyes again.

Sighing, I rub both hands at the back of my neck. “Claire, I grew up in a family where love was easily shown. Sure, I lack the personal experience, but don’t all first-time parents? I very much see this child as mine because it is a part of you. You are the only one complicating matters, while I fully plan to show that I am in this for the long haul. If I need to fight Ethan for custody, I can do that. If bashing his face in again will help, sign me up. If we’re going to figure out coparenting, I can do that. If you need vitamins or health insurance or maternity clothes, I can do that. But you have to let go of this idea that I am like your dad and that you have to walk this journey alone.” I fix a piece of her hair behind her ear and run my hands down her arms. “And if therapy has taught me anything, both of us need to stop using our loneliness as a crutch. I get that you were hurt in the past by those who should have loved you. We can work through our past trauma together, baby. Just give me a chance.”

Her sad eyes connect with mine. “You went to therapy?”

I nod slowly. I guess she knows now. “I’m still going.”

“Why? I just never thought…”

“To work through all my insecurities.”

Claire looks away, and as soon as her eyes blink, tears drip out of her eyes. She stays motionless for some time; the only sound is her sniffling. “I’m scared,” she whispers, finally breaking the silence.

“What are you afraid of?”

“Falling and no one catching me.”

My thumbs wipe at her tears, and I guide her eyes back to me. “I will catch you. You just have to trust me. I’m trying hard to be the man worthy of a woman like you.”

There’s a knock at the door, and the sound makes Claire jump. I look toward the door and realize that we have been in here long enough for speculation to be made.

“Someone’s going to notice,” Claire says nervously.

“So be it.”

I open the door and come face to face with Penny. I let out a groan over her eager eyes as they flip-flop between looking at Claire and then back to me.

“Hi guys,” she says sweetly. “What have you been up to?”

“Hi Penny,” I respond, pulling Claire with me. “Quit looking at us like that.”

She smiles so big that I want to mess up her hair, just like I used to do when we were kids. I am not in the right state of mind for her good mood over this. She basically has already told me she knows Claire and I are together—and fully supports it.

“I just wanted to tell you that the slideshow is about to start. Everyone is in the theater room.”

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