Page 62 of Taste of Addiction

I turn the cap and roll the little ball dispenser over my forehead. I know that the headaches are a side effect of stopping the pills. However, any ease of the pain is welcome—even if they are old wives’ tales.

“Thank you, Graham. You always take such good care of me. I used to hate it, actually. But now it’s one of the reasons why I love you so much.”

He leans over on his right arm and gives me a sweet kiss on my cheek. His nose nestles into my neck, and he breathes in my scent. I want these moments to last forever. Where everything is relatively at peace and we are getting along.

I fill my plate and start noshing. It is weird to eat when I don’t physically feel hungry. As soon as the first bite comes to rest in my stomach, the cramping starts. I drink a sip of water and try my best to chew the food and slowly pace myself. Everything tastes delicious. It’s not that… It is just that I went so long without really eating that the first couple of bites feel like I just swallowed a bowling ball.

“I’m always going to take care of you, sweetheart. And going to do a better job than I have been. I failed you.”

I look over at him, and the sadness that washes over his features makes my heart stop. “Graham?”

“Hmm?”

“This is not your fault. You’re not the reason why I got hooked on pills. This has been a slippery slope for many years.”

“Why try to stop now? What made you realize you had a problem?”

“Honestly? It took you accusing me of this level of self-harm in order to have the epiphany that everything you were insinuating is true. Looking back, I didn’t have a problem after the accident. I guess I coped with everything by cutting. But it easily became an issue when I decided to use pills to help my anxiety, which then evolved to using pills to alleviate pain. If I didn’t have a pill, I would be in agony. So to avoid that feeling, I would self-medicate.”

Graham serves himself some more nuts and cheese, while asking, “Is your pain more than just headaches?”

“I have residual shoulder pain from the accident. Certain times I get stiff and get a sharp stabbing pain if I am pushing myself too much or lifting something too heavy. I would medicate. Then I would need more and more.” I shake my head at my carelessness. “I just didn’t know what else to do. No one really understood…”

“I’m getting you the best support team to help you get through this, Angie.”

My eyes grow wide. “I don’t want to go to a facility.” Like Penny…

“Outpatient.”

I nod my head and look away. “Okay.”

Graham’s fingers guide my chin back to him. “I promise.”

We finish eating and I go into the bathroom to do my bedtime routine, while Graham takes the leftovers and dirty dishes back down to the kitchen. I stand over the sink and look at my sunken in eyes and pale gray skin. I have seen better days. I have also seen way worse. I just have to keep on, keeping on.

When I return to the bedroom, Graham has my side’s covers pulled back and ready for me. I smile at him and crawl into bed, curling into his side like a kitten.

“You feel so good,” I moan, as he draws me closer. It is like he wants to blend our bodies together to become one.

“I’ve missed you so much, Angie. I’m never letting you go.”

* * *

I wake up to an empty bed and check my phone for the time. Eight o’clock. My head feels like it could not possibly be supported by my neck, it is that heavy. I roll out from under the warm blankets and sit along the side of the bed as a rush of vertigo hits me all at once. My breathing is shallow but fast, and I cannot seem to control it as the pain shoots through my temple. I reach with shaky hands to the glass of water on the nightstand and dribble some out over top of the rim as I bring it up to my lips.

I moan as another wave of pain bursts from behind my eyes. What the hell is happening? I pull myself up from the bed and wobble to the bathroom. I pull open the medicine cabinets and all of the drawers. I just need something to dull the pain. Anything.Pleaselet me find something here.

Shivers run through me as I rummage through deodorants and Band-Aids and toothpaste in order to find some pain relief. At this point, Tylenol would be welcome. I cannot be choosy right now.

Nothing. I slam my hands down onto the vanity and stare up at my lifeless eyes. My heart rate quickens, and the sound of the door squeaking draws my attention to Graham who is taking up the entire frame with his muscular body.

He hesitantly moves closer to me and wraps his arms around me. His knowing look reflected back at me makes me want to scream. He knew I would be struggling, and he’s just allowing it to happen.

“Why?” I demand, turning and waving a finger at him.

“You are detoxing, Angie. The next couple of days may be rough on you. But we are going to get through it. I am taking some time off to help you. Let’s go for a walk.”

“A walk?” Hatred boils in my blood, snaking its way through my veins, until it finds my heart—which is about to explode in anger. “I can barely see and you want me to go on a flipping walk?”

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