Page 90 of Taste of Addiction

I dig deep into the pit of my soul. Tears fly out of my eyes, and I feel lightheaded as I strip myself down to an emotionally raw level. “I think I was finally at a stage in my life where I was starting to live again and not just go through the motions. I was turning a new page. Trying to find happiness. And the happier I am, the more guilt I guess I feel. Probably because I know that James’s life ended too soon, and he will never be here to have the things I have now.” I wipe at my eyes that suddenly are leaking tears. I choke on the ball forming in my throat.

“And what makes you happy, Angie?”

“Graham.”

Her smile is warm. She nods. “You aren’t alone. There are many people who experience PTSD and survivor’s guilt. Surviving victims of school shootings. Sole survivors of house fires. Soldiers who go to war zones and make it out to talk about it. What you have gone through has changed your life forever. But there is nothing you can do that will ever bring your loved ones back. How you react to this realization is what you have control over. You can choose to be happy or choose to be miserable. You can choose to skip to the next chapter, or you can choose to keep rereading the same page over and over again. These are things you have control over. And if you can make these decisions, then you will not need the drugs to compensate for your guilt.”

Wow. Dr. Westinger’s words shake my heart.

“You can’t fix heartache with medicine, Angie. You can only fix it by embracing possibility.”

I furrow my brow over her words. “What do you mean?”

“That’s what we are going to discover within our sessions. Sometimes the most devastating experience is the catalyst for the greatest door to be opened. I want to leave you with a parting thought. Where would you be today if your mom and James never died? Do you have a journal?”

“Yes.”

“I want you to write in it daily. Or even multiple times a day. I want you to search your heart for the answer to that question.”

“Okay.”

“I’ll see you in two days.”

“Thank you.”

I stand up from the couch a little lightheaded. It feels like I just had my entire brain dissected by Dr. Westinger. I may have had my doubts about her at the start of the session, but she really got me to open myself up—something I haven’t even done in the silence of my own thoughts.

I walk out with her to the lobby where I have to sign some documents. I feel mentally drained. Sharing my past was the easier part of the session. All of the emotions she dug up have left me with even more stuff to think about later. Damn, she’s good at her job.

Graham greets me at the receptionist cubicle, completely private from everyone in the waiting room. Sensing my exhaustion and mood, he resists asking me questions and just pulls me to his side.

We walk out of the office space holding hands and enter into the elevator we used to come up here hours ago.

“Want to go for a walk?” he asks. “We can go anywhere you want.”

I shake my headno. I don’t feel in the mood for anything.

“Ice cream?”

“Can we bring it back to the penthouse? I just feel very”—I bite my bottom lip—“I don't even know.”

“Sure. No need to explain, sweetheart. We can do anything you want.”

“Right now, I just want to lie in your arms and eat empty calories.”

“Then that is exactly what we’ll do.”

17

“I don’t deserve you,” I whisper.

Graham tucks a piece of hair behind my ear as we lay cuddled up on the sofa watching our second chick flick of the evening. Empty ice cream bowls litter the coffee table. We decided to eat dessert before dinner, and because we couldn’t decide on a flavor and therefore bought a crazy amount of minis, we are now barely wanting real food. So, sodium-enriched TV dinners for the win. Graham is not a fan. He is kind of a snob when it comes to food—if you ask me.

He kisses me on the forehead and places his empty plastic tray onto the table. “You are everything that I never thought I needed in my life, Angie. And now that I have you, you are my entire world.”

I hug him and tuck my head under his chin. His citrus woods scent surrounds me, and I breathe him in. “I feel the same way about you.”

The movie finishes up with the iconic grandiose gesture of love, which Graham scoffs at.

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