Page 60 of Rush of Jealousy

I want to ask him if he thought this out. If he knows how much work being with me really is. I want to ask him if he can forget about everything and have it all go back to the way it was before he shook up my life.

He gives me a nod and puts his hand on the small of my back, as we walk back to his car. It is a simple touch that now feels different despite it being done numerous times in the past four years. Now I know his intentions. Now I know where his heart is. He opens the passenger side door and lets me in. Everything feels different. His demeanor. His actions. His glances. And I mourn the loss of the past—when things were still uncomplicated.

The drive to the townhouse is painfully quiet, and every side glance that Zander gives me, I try to ignore. I am sick to my stomach over which path to take at this crossroad. It seems like no matter which way I go, someone gets hurt. And I cannot figure out which will give me the least amount of collateral damage.

When we are just a mile from being back, Zander turns to me at a stop light. “So, this is how it’s going to be? You are just giving up on us and not even thinking about how this will impact our friendship?”

My fingers twist in my lap, as I let my lungs deflate. “Trust me, Z, I’m thinking about it.”Just not in the way you think. “How can I not think about it? It has consumed the free space in my brain right now. And I am freaking out in my head.”

“Over what? This shouldn’t be that hard to decide.”

I look at him bluntly. “It is not that easy.” I go back to looking at the road, hoping that my mind is even capable of staying in the present—all while my heart feels twisted in a million different ways—and looking for an escape route.

“It can be.”

“No, it can’t.” My words come out as a bark, making Z flinch. “You basically flipped my life upside down with your declaration.”

“You only see it that way because you are trying to find an excuse as to why this can’t work out. But it can. We can date. Do the things we always have done before”—his voice catches—“but now with the knowledge that we are moving past just friendship. I can help you get to that place. We can get there together.”

Tears fill my eyes. I wipe at them frantically with the back of my hand. “I’m still working through my feelings for Graham, Z. It’s not fair to either of you to get strung along for a ride that may end up just crashing.”

I straighten out my legs and reach for a tissue from the center console. I wipe my eyes and blow my nose. I just want to curl up in a ball and forget about all of this.

Zander pulls into the parking spot beside Claire’s car and offers me his hand when he makes it to my side. I take it out of reflex, something I’ve done many times over the past four years. However, this time is different from all the rest. My heart craves for things to go back to being easy between us. Yet my mind knows that the turmoil is only really beginning.

I shut the car door, and before I realize what is happening, Zander cups my cheek and turns me to look at him.

“I wish I could say sorry for making things weird between us.” He glances away and then refocuses back on me, with eyes so determined that it stops my breath. “But I’m not. I would have regretted letting another day go by without you knowing how I feel.”

“Z, please,” I whimper. I don’t want to do this right now. I just want to go inside and lock myself away.

He walks me back against the door, and I struggle to keep my balance. His arms drape around my back, and he dips his head to capture my mouth. I push at his chest. I do not want to muddy the waters any more.Stop!

I see a shadow, and suddenly Zander is pulled back and his mouth releases from mine. I wipe at my lips with my arm, as tears blind me. I try to remove the image of my best friend stealing yet another kiss from me that I didn’t want to give. I close my eyes for a second and wait for my quivering legs to stop shaking.

When I open my eyes, I am staring straight into the blue abyss.

Graham.

But not just any Graham.

No. This is Livid Graham. Feral Graham. Doesn’t-Give-A-Damn Graham. And…

He is about to go ballistic.

His piercing look roots me to the ground, immobilizing me with the fear of the unknown. Except I do know. He’s going to lose it.

Fuck! Where did he come from?

“Go inside, Angie,” he barks.

I try to look around his towering body to find Zander. Graham glares at me and tries to nudge me toward the steps.

“Go, Angie,” he snarls.

I stand my ground. “No.”

“No? You fucking think it is wise for you to say ‘no’ to me right now as you make out on the street with someone I always saw as a real threat but tried to ignore it?”

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