Page 59 of Rush of Jealousy

Once we are at the park’s end, Z turns to me and smiles. “Me too. Seeing her happy and overcoming some of her fears with her boyfriend helped me in a way.”

“Yeah?”

He nods. Then he leans his elbows on the wooden rail, looking out at the river. “Have you ever thought about what we could be?”

I almost don’t hear his question from the whistling sound of the wind and the splashing water. I tug at the locks of my hair, as it whips and swirls around my face. Taking a band off my wrist, I twist it and secure it into place.

Zander turns his attention back to me and fixes a piece of loose hair behind my ears.

His touch feels different.

Everything feels different.

I’m not unacquainted with loss and yet I know. I just know. That nothing—nothing—is going to be the same again. And the grief that fills up my entire body pushes me down and down and down…

“Have you ever thought about me”—he glances down at my lips—“as more than a friend?”

I grow lightheaded at the implication. I look up into his eyes and see them droop from the weight of his words and probably from my confused silence. I look out at the water and try to ignore his question. I try to focus my brain on anything other than how this moment in time is going to be a turning point—one I don't want to endure. But I can’t. Because Zander says my name with so much reverence that I think I may be sick.

Gone is the boy who would sneak me candy when Claire wasn’t looking. Gone is the man who would help me in the computer lab when I was on the verge of tears. Gone is my friend who I could lean on for emotional support as I stumble through life with half a heart.

Gone.

“What are you talking about, Z?” I whisper. I feel out of breath. Like his physical proximity is sucking all of the oxygen out of the air and carrying it away with each breeze that blows past. That with each inch closer he becomes, the harder it is to go back in time and undo everything that is about to happen.

I fear that if Zander continues with this conversation, there will be no going back. That nothing will ever be the same. And I want to resist that change. I want to stay the way we are…as friends. Amazing friends. So I want him to stop talking. I want him to forget what he just asked me—twice. I want the now darkness of the night to swallow me up and transport me away, so I don’t have to remember this moment as the time in my life that my best guy friend stopped being just…

A friend.

If I knew that accepting his invite here tonight would end like this, I would have saidno. I would have delayed it—even if it was inevitable—just to preserve us. To have a little more time of things fitting perfectly into place, just as it has always been. I would have kept our friendship whole—without cracks and uncomfortable silence.

I would have avoided this very moment with every ounce of my being.

Zander takes a step toward me, and I am frozen stiff—unable to move or breathe or think. His hands move to the back of my head and pull me toward him as he meets me halfway. His lips press against mine. I just stand there. Paralyzed with uncertainty. He stays there a moment, and I push my hands gently on his chest to stop.Please, make this stop happening.

He fixes my hair and kisses my forehead. These are the exact same acts that Graham has done to me. And yet they are giving me night and day reactions.

“Somewhere between freshman year and now, I have fallen for you. I love you, Angela McFee. I’ve loved you for a long time. I was just too afraid to act on it.”

“I…” I pause. My voice catches in my throat, and it is like I am trying to talk after swallowing a strong shot. “I don’t even know what to say. I love you too. But I don’t think it is the same type of love you have for me.”

“Maybe with time? Now that I have finally admitted my feelings for you, maybe you can take a leap of faith and a chance on us?”

His hopefulness stabs at my heart. Deep down I feared this exact moment. Having a guy friend who is an amazing listener, catches me when I fall, and cheers me on in my endeavors is a rarity. And now, it is like an unspoken understanding, that if I don’t continue on with Zander as more than friends, I will no longer have those supports. That he will somehow cut the strings and this into an all or nothing type of friendship. The crushing feeling on my heart carries the weight of my decision.

“Zander, I just,” I say slowly, “am caught off guard.” I look out at the moonlight dancing on the water.

“Does no part of you wonder what we could be? You don’t think about it at all? I have been deluding myself for years thinking that maybe, just maybe, you would stop and say ‘let’s try.’ But no, Angie…you always saw me as just a friend. Please don’t give up on a seed of hope before it ever gets the chance to be watered.”

I listen to his plea. His voice is shaky, and I can tell he is stressed about my answer.

“I just don’t know.” But I do know. I don't need time. I know that I cannot consider Zander as a love interest because I am still attached to Graham. My heart knows. And it has always known. “I’m wrapped up in a bizarre on-again, mostly off-again, relationship and—”

“He is a horrible partner for you. You put blinders on to his abusive tendencies, and it makes me want to snap.”

I flinch at the harsh words. Graham is definitely not perfect. But my heart is drawn to him. He is inimitable. I never had that pull with anyone else. It is undeniable.

“Can you just drop me back off at my place? I need time to think. I just don’t know what to say.”

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