Does that mean he loves me?
But—he was just using me for a bit of fun because I was the only girl around and I was convenient, right?
But—then there were times when we weren’t making love and he was so gentle and caring.
We spent a lot of time just bonding, being together, talking and laughing—how can that be fake?
Am I really that blind and naive that I can’t tell? Because to me it felt like so much more than just a physical connection.
I roll onto my back and stare up at the ceiling.
A soft knock on my door makes me look towards it.
“Hey, Raisa,” I say, not getting up.
“How are you feeling?” she asks, walking into my room and flopping down into the bed next to me.
I shrug. “Honestly, I have no idea.” Admitting that makes me want to cry from frustration.
“Is it bad memories? Are you getting any sleep?”
“I’m not sleeping, but it’s not the bad memories that are keeping me awake.” I keep my eyes on the ceiling, not brave enough to look at her. “I can’t stop thinking about him.” I push my lips together, waiting for her to be angry with me.
“Avraam?”
I nod.
“Do you have feelings for him?” she asks, not sounding surprised at all. I turn to look at her because I thought she was going to lecture me about the enemy like Rigor did. I didn’t expect her to keep the conversation going. “I think I do—um—yes. I know I have feelings for him.”
I bite my lip, waiting. She shakes her head, but she’s smiling.
“Oh dear. I kind of know all about the exact predicament you are in.”
“You do?” I ask in surprise.
“Well, yes, it’s what happened to me.”
“Rigor keeps telling me it’s Stockholm syndrome,” I roll my eyes.
“Ruslana, I know it’s probably really confusing—but in your heart, you know how you feel. And you are the only one who can truly know how you feel. Obviously, the guys are angry about the whole thing—they won’t understand what you’re going through—but if you truly have feelings for him then you might need to do something about it.”
“Like what though? Rigor wants to kill him. Rodion just flat out says no to everything and—“
“It’s your life,” she says, interrupting me.
I narrow my eyes towards her.
She says it again. Slower. Emphasizing her point. “It’syour life, Ruslana. What doyouwant?”
I don’t even have to think when I answer her—the words are out of my mouth before I consider the consequences of saying it. “I want to be with him.”
A heavy weight lifts off my shoulders and I can’t believe it. All along—the truth was right there on the tip of my tongue.
Raisa grins. “So, find a way to make it happen.”
She pushes herself off the bed. “I have to get going but I’ll be here for dinner tonight. I just need to sort out a few things before then. So, I’ll see you later.”
I sit up, lost in thought and she leans over to hug me.