Page 32 of Stealing the Biker

The words feel like a punch in the gut. I feel the air leave my lungs as I let the weight of her words sink in. I’ve earned her mistrust. My throat tightens, but I say nothing. I knew this was coming. The conversation neither of us wants to have but needs to.

“Jimmy. I love you so much, but you being in the club scares the shit out of me.” Her tears break free, and I hate knowing her tears are because of my actions.

“It’s okay. You don’t have to explain. I understand. I’ll just grab some of my stuff. You can stay here, and I’ll crash with Trenton.”

“Wait. Do you want to breakup? Are you breaking up with me?”

“I thought that’s what you wanted.”

“I’m pissed and hurt, but I’m not giving up on us, Jimmy.”

I should be relieved at her words, but part of me feels as though I’m bobbing right at the surface of the ocean and have to choose if I want to sink or swim. Why does saying I love you feel like an anchor dropping on my head?

“Jimmy,” she prompts, going up on her knees, crushing the roses. “You want to stay together, don’t you?”

The word no hangs on the tip of my tongue and dies there as I meet her worried gaze. “Of course.” I lean forward and kiss her tear-stained lips.

I knock the gifts to the floor and lay her back on the bed to prove to her and myself that she’s the one I love.

Her lips meet mine, frantic yet unsure. A bitter reminder that she’s not the only girl I want to hold in my arms. She’s not the only one I’m hurting. And yet I am up the affection I’m giving her, lying to us both. My hands roam over her body as I whisper my apologies and more lies. What I can’t convince her of with words, I try to convey with my touch what my mouth is failing to say.

Sabrina digs her nails into my back, drawing blood. Desperately seeking the connection we’ve always shared as she cries into my mouth and all I am is numb. There’s no fire. Not on my end. I can’t be with Kiesha, so why does this make me think I’m settling for what’s easy? What’s comfortable. I love Sabrina.I just need to remind myself. I continue going through the motions, peeling her clothes from her body. A body I know every inch of. I know what she craves. Her every desire. I know every secret thought. Every want. I should be able to lose myself in her and not think about someone else, and yet whenever I close my eyes, all I see is pink hair. All I smell and taste is Kiesha’s strawberry bubblegum. Her innocence.

Laying here with Sabrina, I pretend that I’m back in that closet. That the heavy breaths filling my lungs belong to a pink-haired devil.

With every kiss, every touch, I try to convey my sincerity. Pleading with soft words of forgiveness against Sabrina’s skin. She tastes salty from her tears and sweet from her lip balm, an intoxicating mix that makes my head spin because it’s similar to Kiesha’s strawberry taste and yet nowhere near as sweet. Sabrina tangles her fingers in my hair, pulling me closer as our bodies entwine in this desperate dance of regret and hope, love and hurt. Remembrance as she welcomes me back.

“I’m sorry, baby. So damn sorry,” I mutter against her lips. My apology is barely audible over the thundering of my heart beating against my chest. She acknowledges every word. Even the ones I don’t dare speak. Guilt continues to eat at me, but it doesn’t stop me from reclaiming her and fantasizing I’m with someone else entirely. And if she knows there’s someone else, she pretends there isn’t.

Sabrina gives herself to me and I hope tonight that my lies are enough to save us.

Our bodies are joined, but there’s distance between us. The lies I’ve been telling. My feelings for someone else. I’m disconnected from our relationship. And judging by the way she’s staring at me, she senses the truth of it.

Silence stretches between us, our breaths mingling as I continue to dream of another while continuing to fuck her.Trying to convince myself that this is where I should be. Where my heart belongs.

Slowly, her fingers trace patterns on my back, sending shockwaves through my body that have nothing to do with pleasure and everything to do with fear. I could lose her forever. I could lose Sabrina completely if she learns the truth. I’m so damn selfish. Too damn selfish to let it happen.

“I love you. Only you.”

“I believe you.” There’s doubt in her eyes as she looks deeply into mine.

“You sure?” I stroke her jaw, brushing her hair away from her face.

“I don’t know,” she whispers back, and that honesty hits me harder than any rejection.

“It’s okay.” I roll to my back, on the verge of confessing everything.

“Jimmy?” she hesitates.

“What?”

“I’m glad you’re here.”

I wrap my hand around hers, bringing her knuckles to my lips. “Me, too.” Maybe if I whisper the lie enough times, I’ll believe it.

“All I’ve ever wanted is to be with you. You know that, don’t you?”

“Yeah.”

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