Page 98 of Healed Hearts

“Okay, before we go any further, are we gonna have to kick Julian’s ass? I don’t think I could take him alone. Beck would have to help. Although, I guess he’s making quite a name for himself these days.”

He finishes his sentence with a laugh that has me laughing too. “No. Nothing like that. He, um, he won’t top me until I talk to someone I trust. I also have to think about it this week.”

He arches an eyebrow. “What do you mean, ‘you have to think about it?’ Like you aren’t capable of making your own decisions? That’s fucked up, Holden. Maybe I’m going to have to kick his ass anyway.”

He’s working up a head full of steam. It’s rare to see Roman get mad about anything, but he’s definitely starting to get mad. “No, Ro. It’s not like that. He wants me to make sure it’s really want I want before we try it.”

He looks confused, which is understandable, I guess, since I haven’t exactly been open about things. I sigh. “Motel Guy was the last person I let top me. Two nights before you saved me.”

Ro makes a strange, angry growl. “You didn’tlethim, Holden. That was rape.”

I nod slowly. “I know… It took me a long time to fully come to terms with that. Honestly, I don’t think I did until I met Julian.”

“Okay, so. Wait a second. You haven’t had penetrative sex… at all?”

“Well, I have. But only once.”

His nose scrunches. “I’m confused.”

I shrug. “Julian let me top him.” His jaw drops open, which is kinda hilarious and a little offensive. “What? Because I’m a little chaos twink, I can’t top someone?”

“No. Of course not. I’m not saying that at all.” He closes one eye, a contemplative look on his face.

I stare at him, trying to figure out his malfunction when realization dawns. “Stop trying to picture us in bed, Roman!”

He lets out a loud laugh. “I can’t help it. You’re so much smaller than him. I’m just trying to work out the mechanics.”

Heat floods my cheeks. Ugh. He’s making this so much more embarrassing than it needs to be. I narrow my eyes at him. “You’re making this even weirder for me than it already is.”

He sobers, sitting up straight. “I’m sorry, Hold.”

“It’s okay. But there’s no way I can have this conversation with you if you’re sitting there trying to picture the mechanics of my sex life. I hear plenty of yours and Beck’s, and I’m not over here trying to picture it.”

His face goes red so quickly that I’m surprised he doesn’t pass out. “You can hear us?”

I cock my head at him, looking at him like he’s a dumbass. “We share a bedroom wall, Ro. Be serious.”

He shakes his head, letting out an embarrassed chuckle. “Well, regardless of the position. Kudos.” He holds out his fist, and I stare at him in confusion for a second before I figure out what he wants.

I roll my eyes. “You fucking idiot.” I mean, I reach out and give him a fist bump, anyway, though. Because yeah, itiskind of badass. Plus, I made Julian come hands-free, which was really hot. Score for the chaos twink.

He sits back again. “Okay, so I need you to spell this out for me.”

I nod, toying with the hem of my shirt. “I’ve been too scared to let anyone, um… touch me like that.”

He nods, a look of understanding on his face. “That makes sense, Hold. And now you’re ready to trust someone?”

“I want to try. But Julian is scared I want it for the wrong reasons.”

He cocks his head. “Do you?”

I shrug. “I don’t think so. I mean, sure, I probably could have done a better job of asking him for it. Turns out ‘please wipe his touch away’ doesn’t really inspire confidence in my motivations.”

Roman sighs. “Yeah, I’m going to have to agree with Julian there. Dammit, I have so much respect for that man. You picked a good one.”

Yeah, I really did. God, he’s so amazing. I grin. “Yeah, he’s pretty great. He was my first kiss.”

“What?” Roman’s voice is no more than a whisper.

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