Page 93 of Healed Hearts

By the time that I’m wrapped up in his arms, soaking in his warmth, I feel better—all the previous anxiety gone. “I’m sorry,” I say again, needing to make sure he knows it.

“Holden,” he sighs. “Stop apologizing. Everything’s okay.”

“Okay,” I whisper, burying my face in his chest. “I love you.”

“I love you too, darlin’.”

Chapter Thirty

Julian

The first thing I notice when I open my eyes is that Holden is still sound asleep and unless he somehow had a nightmare that I missed, he slept through the night. It would have been a feat on his part to hide a nightmare from me. No way I would have slept through it. Hello, Dad Hearing.

No, I think he slept through the night, and pretty much in the same way he fell asleep if our current position is anything to go by—he’s still wrapped in my arms, face tucked against my chest.

His hair looks like he was electrified, which is infinitely funny to me, considering it really doesn’t look like he moved at all. Idon’t want to disturb him. I have no idea what time it is, but the sun is up. The house is quiet—no sounds coming from the living room or the bedroom next door. A heavy weight is hanging around in my stomach at the realization that Wren isn’t up yet. She never sleeps in. She’s very much like her favorite Disney Princess. If the sky’s awake, she’s awake.

Holden stirs against me, but doesn’t wake fully, keeping me from losing it since he pulls my attention back to him and the present. He’s always pulling my attention.

Whew, though. This has been a tough weekend. I can’t believe he asked me to top him. Sure, I will if he wants me to. I mean, fuck, he’s gorgeous. It’s not like it would be a hardship. But I wasn’t lying when I said it wasn’t something I need, and it’s definitely not something I’m willing to do for the wrong reasons. There’s a big difference in putting your thumb on someone’s lip to calm them down and topping them. If it’s something he wants to explore, that’s fine. But I’m not going to risk losing him because I triggered him and lost his trust. No, thanks. I’ve worked too damn hard to earn it.

Looking down at his face, I pull a hand from his back and brush his hair back off his forehead. His eyes slowly flutter open and when his gaze settles on mine, his lips tilt up a tiny bit, like he just can’t help it. I can tell the exact moment his brain comes online because his smile falls away and tears fill his eyes. Oh hell.

“I’m sorry,” he rasps.

Lord almighty, he’s going to kill me with this. “Darlin’. Stop telling me you’re sorry.”

“Can’t. I feel so bad.” He sniffles, the sound pitiful and sad, making my heart clench. “I don’t want you to leave me.”

I sigh, sliding a hand under his shirt to caress the warm skin of his bare back. “I’m not going to leave you, Holden.”

“I can’t believe I talked to you like that. I don’t know what’s wrong with me.” He sounds genuinely upset and confused.

“I think I do. I mean, I’m not a therapist, obviously. But I think it makes sense. I’m your first relationship, right? Like romantically?” He nods, ducking his head to hide against my chest.

Yeah, it makes perfect sense to me. “I think you lashed out because you’re scared.”

“But I’m not scared of you.”

I shake my head. Not that it matters, since he’s not looking at me. “No, Hold. Not physically. It’s scary to fall in love. You’re putting all your faith and trust in someone. And you hope it works, and that you don’t get your heart broken. And when you feel that way, rational thought leaves. I think it’s probably normal.”

He sighs. “You don’t lash out at me whenyou’rescared.”

I mean, he may be right. But not entirely. “I haven’t lashed out atyou, no. But I did with Maya.”

That gets his attention, and he pulls his face from my chest and looks up at me with tear-stained cheeks. “What do you mean?”

“It was terrifying finding out she had cancer. The cancer she had was aggressive, and rapidly spreading. They wanted to move quickly and start treatment. She refused. I was so scared of losing her, I lashed out. I yelled at her—told her she was being selfish. Begged her to abort Wren.” The old shame surfaces, making my stomach twist. “I was so mad at her. We got into a fight. Well, I fought, and she stayed quiet. And then I left. Left her right there in the hospital alone. I was back within hours, begging for forgiveness.”

Wide green eyes latch onto mine. “Did she forgive you?”

I nod. “Yeah, she said there was nothing to forgive. She told me that sadness and fear make us crazy. I think that’s real love, you know? Seeing the ugly in someone else, the worst parts of their character, the things they’re ashamed of and loving them despite it. Accepting them anyway.”

He hums thoughtfully. “That’s really beautiful. Roman is the only person who’s ever loved me like that.”

I snort. The only person? I watched Beck beat the shit out of a guy and then lord his dad’s job over the guy’s head in the middle of the street. “Beck loves you like that too.”

Holden nods slowly, realization dawning. “Yeah, I guess he does.”

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