Page 91 of Healed Hearts

I nod, more tears dampening his shirt. “You still love me?”

“Of course I do.”

“I didn’t mean what I said.”

He sighs, and it makes my stomach clench. “I know you didn’t.”

“I’m sorry,” I say again, a broken sob tearing from my chest.

“Shhh. It’s okay. I forgive you.”

His words are like a balm to my soul, but there’s still a splinter in my heart, dipping deeper with each second that passes. I have to dig it out. I have to find outwhy. “I just… I want to try. Why won’t you let me try? Do you think I’m gross?”

He chuckles. “No. I don’t think you’re gross at all.”

I lift my head, knowing I’m probably a snotty, tear-soaked mess. “Then why?” He brings a hand up to brush my tears away, then wipes my nose before dragging his hand over his shirt. I’m a fucking mess. Here I am, asking this man to have sex with me, and he’s wiping my nose like I’m a child. “That doesn’t gross you out?”

“No, darlin’. Nothing about you grosses me out. Not your past. Or your trauma. Not even that fucking fight or flight you have, that has you yelling at me one second and ready to run the next.”

I drop my eyes. “I’m sorry.”

“So you’ve said. I’ve already forgiven you, though.”

I’m thankful for that, but I certainly don’t deserve it. I never lash out at Roman like this. I don’t understand why I’m acting this way. I’m scared to talk anymore. I don’t want to make things worse than I already have. What if he had left? What if he had grabbed Wren and run away from me? What would I have done then? All because I let my mouth get the best of me. Because I couldn’t be honest about how I was feeling. Because I felt like he was rejecting me, deciding that I wasn’t good enough. Instead of just being vulnerable with him, I fought with him—said awful, hurtful things I didn’t mean. If he did decide to leave me, I’d deserve it. I deserve every bad thing that happens to me.

“Calm down, darlin’. You’re getting yourself all worked up again.” Julian’s hands rub circles on my back as I force deep breaths into my lungs and try to get my heart rate back under control. “I don’t think topping you is a good idea because I’m not sure you can handle it.”

“But… I trust you. You won’t hurt me.” I believe that with my whole heart. In a way I’ve believed nothing else.

“I know you trust me, and I’m so thankful for that gift. But I’m going to be honest, okay? And I need you to try really hard not to freak out. Can you do that?” He pauses so I can answer, so I nod. I mean, I can do my best at any rate. “I’m scared.”

What? That makes no sense. What does he have to be scared of?

“I’m scared I’ll trigger you. And break the trust we have. I’m scared that you’re asking for this for the wrong reasons. I’m scared that you’re not really thinking it through.”

“I am, though,” I interject. “I promise I am. I’ve been thinking about it all night. It’s… it’s not the first time I’ve thought about it, actually.”

He nods slowly. “Okay. I believe you. And if you had mentioned this a week ago? This would be a completely different conversation, yeah? But you brought it up twenty-four hours after confronting your past in a really ugly way. The way you phrased your request feels like you’re asking for the wrong reasons, and frankly, I’m uncomfortable with that.”

His words are like a blast shooting through my body. “Uncomfortable with it?” I ask, needing clarification.

“Yes. Remember that talk we had about mutual boundaries?” I nod. “This is one of mine. I don’t feel comfortable engaging in a sexual situation with you that I don’t feel youtrulywant. That’s a hard line for me.”

“But I do truly want it. I want to try anyway. How can I convince you?”

He sighs, and I feel the weight of it in my gut. “I’m not opposed entirely, but—”

I interrupt him. “So you’ll do it?”

He taps me on the nose. “Hang on, Hold. Let me finish, okay?” I nod, so he continues. “This is not a no. It’s a no for right now. I want you to think about it. Topping is not something I need to have, okay? I’m vers, with no real preference. I’m not missing out on anything. I want you to think about it. Hard. Weigh the pros and cons. Talk to Roman. Or Beck. Whoever you’re most comfortable with. You can even talk to me about it if you’d prefer. I want you to think about it, and if you still feel this way next week, we can try.”

Hope rises in my chest. “Really?”

He hesitates, searching my face. Then he sighs. “Yes, really. But I have other things I want first.”

My stomach drops out. “Like… what?”

“Like, I don’t feel comfortable jumping straight to full-on penetrative sex. If this is something you want, we need to start slow. We need to build up to that. Do other things to test your reactions. I won’t be the reason you spiral.”

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