Page 90 of Healed Hearts

I pause, waiting to see if he’s going to talk. He doesn’t, and it makes me spiral further. “I want it gone, you know? And he was… he was the last person who touched me like that.” I stop to take a deep breath. “I don’t want that. I wantyouto touch me like that. I need it, I think. Can you… can you do that for me?”Stop talking, Holden.

I look back at Julian again, willing him to say something. Anything.

He swallows hard. Once, twice, three times. Then he drops his hands.

He doesn’t want to touch me anymore?

“I don’t, um, Holden… I’m not sure that’s…” His voice trails off and my breathing speeds up.

“Please. I need him gone. He won’t go away on his own. You… you made him go away before. I know you can do it again. Please.”

He shakes his head. “I don’t think that’s a good idea.”

My knees threaten to give out. He’s rejecting me.What the fuck.Devastation and anger war for control of my heart. In the end, it’s the anger that wins. “What the fuck, Julian. Why not?”

His mouth drops open, clearly shocked at my change in demeanor. I can’t stop myself, though. The walls are crashing in,my shame swallowing me whole. Is he disgusted by me? He has to be. Why else would he tell me no? “This is bullshit, Julian. I trusted you. I fucking trusted you. All that shit you spewed was bullshit, huh? What is it then? Sticking around because you feel bad for me? Because I can help you with Wren? Is that what this is? Keep me around, even though you’re disgusted by me, so I can help with your daughter?” I know that’s not true. Iknowit’s not.Shut the fuck up, Holden.

He lets out an incredulous laugh. “Wow. Is that really what you think of me?”

I wave my hands in front of me. “What else am I supposed to think?”

“Wow,” he repeats.

Stop, Holden. Take it back. Tell him you’re sorry.“Well?” I ask, irritation dripping from my voice. IknowI’m losing it. Iknowhe doesn’t deserve this, but I can’t stop it.

He stares at me like he doesn’t even know who I am. Panic is clawing at my chest, making my heart feel like it’s about to explode.

His voice is low when he finally speaks, the hurt in it piercing my heart. “I’m really disappointed and hurt that you would accuse me of that. I know logically that this is your defense mechanism. I’m trying to convince myself that you don’t truly think those things of me. That you really don’t think so little of me you’d accuse me of what? Keeping you around for my kid? I love you, Holden. And I want a future with you. But I survived as a single dad for years without you. And if somethingiswrong with Wren, it will suck to manage it alone, but I managed when Maya died just fine. I won’t lie and say it will be easy, but Icando it alone.”

His words sound like a goodbye, and it’s making me feel like I’m being ripped apart. “What are you saying? Are you… are youleaving me?” My anger is quickly losing its steam, panic and desperation taking its place.

“What?Jesus, Holden. No. I’m only telling you how I feel.” He’s not looking at me. Why isn’t he looking at me? Oh god, I fucked up. I fucked up.I fucked up.

I can’t breathe. My chest is burning. Oh fuck. I can’tbreathe.

I have to get out of here. I have to go. I can’t stand here looking at him when he can’t even make eye contact with me. I make it two steps toward the door, and I’m being pulled backward, until my back is pressed into Julian’s upper body, and his arms are wrapped tightly around my heaving chest. “Breathe, darlin’. You’re okay. Breathe.”

I gasp, trying to, but I can’t. Oh God. I’m ruining everything. A sob catches in my throat as tears burn my eyes. Julian doesn’t release his hold on me. “Shhh, you’re okay. It’s okay. Breathe. Deep breaths for me.”

I try again, inhaling sharply, my vision going blurry when I fail yet again to get enough air. “Holden, listen to me. You’re okay. Breathe, darlin’. In for four like you did with me, yeah?”

I nod, trying to focus on the steady rise and fall of his chest. “Your face,” I gasp. I need to see him. I need to see his face. I need to look into his eyes. His eyes won’t lie.He won’t lie either, Holden. Get control of yourself.

He turns me instantly in his hold, gripping me under my legs, and lifting me up. Taking a couple of steps back, he sits on the edge of the bed with me on his lap. His hands come up to hold my face, his touch gentle, thumbs making little circles on my cheekbones. Finally, his eyes lock on mine. He doesn’t look mad or disgusted. He looks a little hurt, and a lot worried. I stare into his eyes, following his exaggerated breaths, until my own return to normal.

“There we are. There’s my Holden. You’re okay.” His voice is kind. Endlessly patient.

Something about it tickles my brain. “Are you gentle-parenting me right now?”

Julian lets out a startled laugh. “What? Of course not. I’m comforting you. Letting you know everything’s okay—because it is. This is love and connection, Hold. That’s all. You’re upset, and I’m taking care of you.”

I slump forward, dropping my forehead to his shoulder as the tears finally come at the heels of my adrenaline crash. He wraps his arms around me, holding me tightly to him. “I’m sorry.” My voice is a broken whisper.

He runs a hand up my back and slips his fingers into my hair. “It’s okay.”

“It’s not okay. I’m awful.”

He tsks. “You are so far from being awful, darlin’. I promise it’s okay. We’re okay. I’m here. I’m not leaving. I’ve got you, okay?”

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