Page 83 of Healed Hearts

Why did I do that? Why? I should have ignored him. Kept walking. Kept talking about the wedding. Pretended he didn’t exist. Like I do with all the others.

I cry until I have no tears left, until I’m empty. Empty and hollow and miserable. I don’t even know how much time has passed. I pull Julian’s shirt up, using it to wipe my nose and my eyes. Fuck, everything hurts. Forcing myself to my feet, I crawl back into bed.

I bury my face in the pillow Julian was using, sucking in his scent like it’ll somehow make me feel better. I know one thing that would make me feel better. Him. The real him—not the fading bits of his scent—his strong arms, his warmth, his soft touch, his concern and love. I told him to go, though. And he did.

If he had fought me, I would have given in. I would have collapsed in his arms and let him chase away the monsters. But he didn’t. Probably counting his lucky stars that I asked him to leave, probably couldn’t get out of here fast enough.

Fresh tears well up in my eyes. Huh, guess I’m not all cried out after all. I really need to be held. I wonder if Ro would be mad if I went to his room. He never has before. He’s always given me space before when I needed it, and welcomed me with open arms when I was ready. He’s never had Beck when I’ve gotten like this. But Beck was the one who came in and held me earlier, and he’s also let me sleep in bed with them. I didn’t stay the whole night with them, of course, because Julian came.

Julian.

A whimper rises in my throat. Why did I tell him to leave?

“I was tired of crying alone in my bed like a sad sack,” he had said that night when he showed up. Now I’m the sad sack crying alone in my bed, but the man I love left me. That’s not fair, though. I told him to go, and he did. I can’t be upset with him for that.

Be scared with him.

I don’t know if I can be, Ro. I want to be. But I don’t know if I can. I roll over, grabbing my phone. It’s just after 3:00 a.m.

What did Julian say? If the man I love is gonna run from me, I’m damn well gonna chase him down? Is that what I should do? Should I go to Julian? Is he going to be mad at me? Is he going to turn me away if I do?

What if he does? If I go to him, and he turns me away, am I going to recover from that? He says he loves me. I believe him. I trust him. But what if he breaks my trust? What if he hurts me? Not physically. I know he wouldn’t do that. But emotionally, that’s something else entirely.

I love him and I want him. I want him to keep me safe and hold me. Ineedhim to hold me. More tears drench my face, my stomach twisting and my heart aching. I shouldn’t have told him to leave.

I’m not sure I have the answer to any of my questions, though, and that scares me. Would I forgive myself? Probably not. But am I the best judge of that right now? Also, probably not. I’m not feeling particularly nice to myself at the moment. I look at my phone again. 3:42 a.m.

Fuck. How did I lose half an hour? I lay the phone back down. Part of me wants to text Julian and tell him I’m sorry, but I’m scared. If he doesn’t forgive me, I don’t know what I’m going to do. It’s probably better to leave him alone. But I don’t want to.

I pick my phone back up, opening my messages with Julian. The last one he sent me was a picture of Wren with a kissy face emoji, telling me they missed me and couldn’t wait for me to come home from work. Tears burn my eyes, my fingers hovering over the keys.

I type and backspace and type again.

Me

I’m sorry. Are you mad at me?

I hit send before I can talk myself out of it. He’s probably already asleep anyway, so it’s likely I won’t get a response until later. I’m proven wrong when my phone buzzes.

Julian

You have nothing to apologize for. Of course I’m not mad at you.

I stare at his message, reading it over and over. The three dots that show he’s typing pop up and go away repeatedly, before finally stopping all together. I wait to see if a message is going to come through, but nothing does.

Me

I’m sorry I made you leave. Do you forgive me?

The dots appear again, and I hold my breath, waiting to see what he says.

Julian

Nothing to forgive, darlin’. Are you feeling better?

I’m not feeling better at all. I want him. Ineedhim. I shouldn’t have made him leave. I climb from the bed and look around the room. My shoes are by the closet. He came to me when he was sad. It’s my turn to be brave and go to him. I sit down on the floor, and pull my shoes on.

Me

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