Page 82 of Healed Hearts

“Ugh. Fine,” he grumbles, but he does roll onto me. I wrap my arms around him, squeezing him tightly to me.

“Is this better?”

“Yeah, it’s alright, I guess.” His put-out tone is adorable, but I’m not about to tell him that. I’m not stupid.

He grumbles and complains for a few more minutes, but it doesn’t last long because he falls asleep quickly. I close my eyes and try to relax.It’s good, Julian. He’s in your arms, safe. We survived the evening. It’s all going to be okay.

I wake with a start, my heart pounding, Holden no longer on top of me. I glance around in the dark with the vague feeling that I was woken up by a scream. What the fuck? “Holden?” I croak.

A sob catches my attention, and I sit up, leaning over the bed to find Holden sitting on the floor beside it, his back against it and his knees pulled up to his chest.

“Holden,” I repeat, climbing off the bed and squatting down in front of him. “Come here, darlin’,” I say, reaching out to grab him. The second I touch him, he recoils.

“Don’t fucking touch me! I don’t want your filthy hands on me!”

I startle, jerking my hand away from him so quickly that I lose my balance and fall back on my ass.

“Don’t you get it?” he snarls, bringing his eyes to mine. I can tell instantly he’s not seeing me. He’s stuck in his mind—if he’s awake at all. “I don’t want it. I don’t fucking want it. Why do you keep doing this to me?”

His face crumples. “I want my mom. I want my mom. Please stop. You’re hurting me. Please, I’ll do anything. Please stop. Ithurts.”

His voice is nothing more than a pathetic whimper and my heart shatters in my chest; completely disintegrates. I’m nothing but broken, bleeding pieces as I stare into the unfocused eyes of the man I love. My nose burns as tears fill my eyes, spilling down my cheeks before I can even try to keep them in. “Holden,”I whisper. “You’re okay. Come back to me, please. Come back to me, darlin’. I’m here. It’s okay.”

The bedroom door bursts open, and a frantic Roman rounds the bed. He drops to his knees beside us, careful not to touch Holden. “Nightmare?” he asks, and it takes a second for me to realize he’s talking to me.

“I… I think so,” I force out. Sniffling, I bring a hand up to scrub the tears off my face.

“Beck!” Roman yells. And then Beck is rushing in the door. “The lights.”

Light floods the room, and Holden’s wrecked face comes into focus. “Hold,” Roman says. “You’re safe. It’s not real.” He repeats those two phrases until Holden’s eyes slowly come to life. He darts them around the room.

“It’s not real. I’m safe,” he murmurs, his voice raspy and cracking.

“Yes, Holden,” Roman breathes in relief. “You’re safe. It’s not real.”

“It’s not real. It’s not real. It’s not real,” he chants over and over, rocking slightly back and forth. It might not be real right now, but it used to be, and that thought, more than anything else, has me unable to breathe. I didn’t know it was possible to hurt this badly for someone else. Which is really saying something coming from me.

Chapter Twenty-Seven

Holden

It’s not real. It’s not real. It’s not real.

“You’re okay, Hold,” Roman says.

My chest is burning, though. And I can’t really breathe, and my throat is aching like I’ve been yelling, and I’m crying and nothing feels very okay. Nothing feels very okay at all. It’s been so long since I’ve had a nightmare. I thought they were gone. Why did they come back? Does Motel Guy really have that much power over me still?

I choke on a sob, burying my face in my knees. Julian. Julian was here. Where’s Julian? I pop my head up, eyes franticallysearching for him. He’s sitting on the ground a few feet away from me, staring at me. I can’t believe he saw that. He doesn’t deserve this. I don’t deserve him. I’m so fucked up. I groan, dropping my face back to my knees, hiding from all of them. “Leave,” I force out. “All of you. Get out.” I’m drowning in shame and pain, and I don’t want or need an audience. They can all get the fuck out.

Roman sighs. “Please don’t make us leave, Hold.”

“Get out, Roman. I don’t want you here. I don’t want any of you here.”

Julian makes a soft sound, but I don’t dare lift my eyes. I want to. I want to so badly I can feel it in my chest. An incessant ache that nothing can fix. Nothing but him. But I can’t. I can’t look at his face, or I’m going to beg—beg him to stay, beg him to hold me and keep me safe. “Get the fuck out!” I yell, my voice cracking.

Finally, I hear them moving, and then the door is being shut. I lift my head, peeking around the room. They all left. Even Julian. Pain spikes in my chest. I can’t even be mad at him, though. I’m all, “Fuck you, respect my boundaries.” And he does. Hedid. Just once, though, I’d like someone to fight for me. To stare into the demons in my mind and stand up against them.

I don’t even get back into bed. Lying down on the hard floor, I curl up into a small ball, and cry. Sobs rip from my chest as the weight of everything crushes me, as the memories filter through my mind. Why did I think standing up to him was a good idea? I’m such a fucking idiot. I guess I figured I’d taken so much of my life back that it would be safe. He was a monster I had slain in my mind, and I wanted to slay him in the real world, but this isn’t a fairy tale, and I’m no brave warrior. I’m nothing more than a stupid man who still doesn’t know better.

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