Page 77 of Healed Hearts

Julian brushes his fingers down my temple, like he can tell I’m not with him, but my stomach lurches. I think I’m going to be sick again.

“Pull over, Roman,” Julian says. Roman stops the car and Julian throws the door open. He sits me up, leaning me over the edge just in time for me to throw up again. “You’re okay, darlin’. It’s okay,” he whispers as he rubs circles on my back.

“Do you have water in here?” I hear Julian ask. There’s rustling, people shifting, then Julian is cradling me to his chest, holding a bottle of water to my lips. I take a sip and hold it in my mouth for a second. “Spit it out, darlin’.” Leaning over, I spit out the mouthful of water. “Here, again,” he says. I swish more water in my mouth, repeating the process until the taste of vomit is rinsed away.

I chance a look in his eyes. He’s looking at me with concern, but no anger, no hatred, no disgust. Just concern and sadness and… love? That doesn’t make any sense. How can he look at me like that? I’m disgusting. Used.Dirty.

“My lip,” I say again.

Julian brings a hand up slowly and touches his thumb to my lip in the same spot. “Just my touch, darlin’. Only mine.” I blink at him, tears dripping down my face as he uses his thumb to wipe away the old touch, leaving only his behind.

I nod. “Keep it there.” My voice sounds raspy to my own ears, thick with tears.

He pulls the door shut, never once taking his thumb off my lip. “My touch only. No one else’s, okay?” he whispers.

“We’re almost home, Hold,” Roman says, but I barely hear him, and I don’t take my eyes off Julian. I don’t want to. I can’t. I stare at him, and he stares at me, his hold on me tight. He just stares at me, while I focus on the color of his eyes and the pressure of his thumb on my lower lip. The doors are being opened, but I still don’t take my eyes off Julian. I love him so much. I hope he doesn’t leave me. I hope he still loves me too. Fresh tears well up.

He leans in, touching his lips to my forehead. “Let’s go in.”

He climbs out of the car, not once releasing his hold on me, and carries me inside. Once we make it to my room, he lays me on my bed. I cling to his shirt, not wanting him to leave. “I want to talk to Roman for a second. Can Beck stay here with you?” he asks. He doesn’t want to talk to Roman, he wants to leave. I can’t keep him here if he doesn’t want to stay. My heart cracks in my chest as I nod.Keep it together for a minute and then you can fall apart, Hold.Wait until he leaves.

I force myself to release my grip on his shirt. It wouldn’t be fair to make him stay. Not with what he saw. Not with what he knows. It wouldn’t be fair at all.

He steps back and then Beck is climbing in beside me. He doesn’t touch me. Why isn’t he touching me? He’s not as cuddly with me as Ro is, but he doesn’t usually shy away from touching me, either. Julian I understand, but Beck? I thought he was my friend. Myfamily. Does everyone think I’m gross now? I didn’t mean to do it. I didn’t know what else to do. I was a kid. I was afraid and alone and cold. And tired. So tired. Tears spill over as Beck watches me, his eyes following their path as they pour down my cheeks.

“Will I scare you if I touch you, Hold?” he asks. His voice is shaky—thick—like he’s upset. His eyes are glassy, the usual clear blue swimming with unshed tears.

I shake my head. I don’t think he’ll scare me. I trust him. Ineedhim to touch me. If he touches me, it means he doesn’t think I’m gross. “Come here,” he whispers, holding his arms open. I fly across the bed, pressing my body into his as his arms wrap around me. He throws a leg over my hip, pulling me in tightly to him. Again, I’m faced with the thought that this is fine. Fine, but not Julian. Julian left. I sob into Beck’s chest, grief over losing Julian and my past tearing me apart. I’m so selfish. Why can’t Beck holding me be enough?

“Shhh, you’re okay. I’ve got you,” Beck says, his voice cracking on his words.

“I want Julian,” I whisper.

“He’s in the hall with Roman, Hold. He’ll be right back.”

I shake my head, almost violently. “No, he won’t. I’m disgusting, Beck. Dirty. He doesn’t want me.”

Beck’s chest expands on a shuddering breath. “No. That’s not true at all, I promise.”

“It is,” I sob, my body starting to tremble.

“Oh, Holden. That man is so in love with you. He doesn’t think those things about you at all. No one does. You were a child. This isn’t your fault.”

“It was,” I gasp, the pain in my heart making me feel like I’m having a heart attack. “I want Julian, Beck. I want Julian.” Another sob escapes me as my teeth chatter and my body shakes violently against his.

Beck pulls back a little. “Julian!” he shouts and I flinch. He’s not here. I don’t know why he’s yelling. My bedroom door opens. I wait for Roman to tell me Julian’s not here. That he left. Why wouldn’t he? But then the bed dips behind me, and I’m being pulled from Beck’s arms and into a broad chest by strong arms.

“I’m sorry, darlin’. I needed to talk to Roman. I’m here now. I won’t leave again. I promise.”

My nose is running, so I sniffle, but it doesn’t help. I sniffle again. “I need a tissue,” I mumble. Julian tilts my head back and pulls the front of his shirt down, using it to wipe my nose, then his thumb is brushing under my eyes. “You just wiped my snot with your shirt. That’s gross.”

Julian’s lips twitch with the start of a smile. “I love you, Holden. Do you honestly believe I’m worried about a little snot?”

Shock blasts through me, stealing my breath. “Really?”

He tilts his head to the side, confusion marring his face. “Yes, really. We’ve established this.”

“But I… But I’m gross. Now you know I’m gross. Youknow.” I gasp, my throat threatening to close up with unshed tears.

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