Page 69 of Healed Hearts

He pulls back reluctantly, releasing his grip on me. A shudder works its way through my body, my cock throbbing in time with my heartbeat. Fuck, that was way too close. “Do you still want more?” he whispers. “We can get off like this if you’d rather.”

Closing my eyes, I take stock of my body. Do I want to do more? I think so. I let myself picture what it would be like. There’s a dull sense of anxiety, but not actual fear. More want than anything else. I open my eyes and nod. “I want more. I need to get you ready, right? Will you tell me how?” I ask, swallowing nervously.

His throat bobs, and he stares at me like I’m the best thing he’s ever seen. “Or you can watch.”

My cock lurches. Fuck. “Okay, yeah.” I climb off his lap, and he glances around with a contemplative look on his face. Ugh. He has to hate this. What kind of man wants to think about the logistics of having sex with someone who has so many fucking hang-ups? Most normal people would be fine with this. And here I am, zero knowledge of what I’m even supposed to be doing. My experience with prep is a couple of gobs of spit and excruciating pain.

“Holden.”

I dart my eyes to Julian. “What?”

“What’s that face? If you don’t want to do this, we don’t have to.”

“No, it’s not that. I’m just thinking you deserve something better than this,” I say, motioning to my cock, which has softened considerably since my mind spiraled out of control.

To my utter surprise, Julian rolls his eyes. “How about you let me worry about what I deserve?”

I scoff. “Are you seriously going to deny that this doesn’t suck for you? You’re looking around like you’re wondering how you got yourself into this position.”

He levels me with a glare so intense that it could rival even mine. I’m impressed, and honestly a little turned on. “I’m looking around because I’m huge, and you’re a tiny little chaos twink, and I’m trying to figure out the best way to position myself so I can see your face.”

Choosing to ignore the chaos twink thing for now because… “Really?”

“Yes, really. I figured you’d feel better if you could see that you aren’t hurting me. And I’ll feel better if I can see that gorgeous face of yours.” My lips twitch into a smile. “Now, if you wouldn’t mind. I’ve got a show to put on for my boyfriend.”

Boyfriend? I mean, I guess that makes sense, right? Hell, we’ve already done the I love you stuff. But something about him calling me his boyfriend makes warmth spread through my body. I nod, smiling at him. “Okay, sorry. Continue.”

He drops a kiss to my lips while I try not to let myself get in my own head about the fact that we’re no longer making out like horny teenagers. Instead, most of the heat has faded away, and we’re both soft. So sexy. Trauma for the win. I have to resist the urge to roll my eyes.

“Holden,” Julian says again, and I look up to find him lying back on the bed with his hips propped up on a couple of pillows, a condom in one hand and a bottle of lube in another. My throat goes dry. I force myself to swallow as he pops open the bottle of lube and wets his fingers. “Lube. Always. Lots, okay?” he says, watching me.

I nod. He spreads his legs, letting them fall back, exposing his soft cock and hole. My breathing speeds up as he brings his hand between his legs, his finger circling the skin between his balls and his entrance. He lets out a little sound and his cock perks up a bit. He dips his finger a little lower, massaging the small opening with it for a second before slipping the tip inside. Heat floods my body at the sound he makes, at the way his holeflutters around the intrusion. He pushes in a little deeper and my cock twitches. Fuck, that’s really hot. I dart my eyes to his face and his head is thrown back, his eyes closed. He doesn’t seem like he has a care in the world.

I look back down, watching as he pumps his finger slowly in and out of himself. When it’s moving smoothly with no resistance, he pulls it free and pushes two in. The groan he lets out as his cock thickens further has me shifting back and forth, a whine working its way up my throat.

Oh shit. He really does like this.

By the time he’s pushing three fingers inside his body, his cock is fully hard again. He crooks his fingers and his hips twitch. My own dick is hard between my legs, the sight of his pleasure turning me on beyond belief. “Fuck. Can I try?” I ask, swallowing against the nerves.

He groans. “Yes, please.”

I open the bottle of lube and slick up my fingers. He pulls his free, and I bring my hand up, swallowing hard at the sight of his wet hole. “Holy shit.”

“You’re okay. You’re not going to hurt me.”

I nod and slide a single finger into him. His hips lift off the bed and I can’t tell if it’s a good thing or not, so I look up at him. He’s staring at me with open lust in his expression, his eyes absolutely burning with it. I feel myself relax. God, he’s so warm inside. So tight and ugh. My cock throbs. A breathy sound escapes him and his head drops back. “Keep going, darlin’. Please,” he begs.

I take a shaky breath and add a second finger, marveling at how smooth he feels. “How much do you need?” I ask, still a bit worried.

“I’m good now. But I’m fine to wait until you’re comfortable.”

I lowkey don’t want to wait. I’m scared if I do, I’ll lose my nerve. Plus, I can admit to myself, if nothing else, that the thought of sliding into his body doesn’t fill me with horror. I’mactually aching with desire to do exactly that, so I pull my fingers free and reach for the condom.

I roll the condom down my swollen erection, then add copious amounts of lube. I scoot forward until I’m kneeling between Julian’s spread legs. “I think I need you to keep looking at me,” I whisper.

“Wouldn’t want to look anywhere else, darlin’.”

I notch the head of my cock against his hole. The heat of his body, even through the condom, is fucking insane. “Are you sure?” I ask.

---