Page 61 of Healed Hearts

“Wren,” I sob, burying my face in his chest the second his arms come around me. I cry and cry and cry, sobbing into his shirt as he makes soft, soothing noises and rubs my back.

“You’re okay, Hold. Let it out. I’ve got you,” he murmurs, damn near squeezing the life out of me. Thank God, though.Because if I’m being really honest with myself, his hold on me is about the only thing keeping me from falling apart completely. “Can we move to the couch?” he asks, and I nod, but don’t move. I’m not sure my legs would carry me even if I wanted them to.

He pulls back a little and I tighten my grip on him, not wanting him to leave me alone. “It’s okay, Hold. I’m not going anywhere. I’m gonna carry you to the couch, okay?”

I nod, loosening my grip just enough that he can pick me up, bridal style, which would be embarrassing if I didn’t need him so fucking badly right now. Roman doesn’t get it. He’s empathetic, and he’s a good person, but he doesn’t get it. Not like Beck. Another sob tears through me.

I used to be torn between jealousy that Roman knew what it felt like to be loved the way Beck loved him, and relieved that I didn’t, because he was so sad and heartbroken without it when he left. This is fucking miserable, though. Who does this on purpose? Loving someone fucking sucks.

Beck settles us on the couch, and he must be taking lessons from Ro because he gets me situated with my head resting in his lap and starts running his fingers through my hair. I pull my knees up, rolling to my side, so I can lay in the fetal position. My heart aches so fucking badly that I’m pretty sure ripping it out of my chest would actually hurtless.

Beck sits with me in silence for a while and continues running his fingers through my hair in gentle, even strokes as tears stream down my face and soak his lap. After a few minutes, I realize he’s humming softly. I close my eyes, letting the feel of his fingers and his soft voice soothe me.

“Are you okay?” he asks after a moment.

I shake my head. “No. I had to do a bone marrow biopsy on Wren today,” I choke out, tears surfacing again.

“Oh, Hold. Why did you do that?” he asks softly, a slight admonishment to his tone.

“She’s my patient,” I say, pulling my knees up tighter, curling into myself smaller. “It’s my job,” I add in a whisper.

Beck sighs and brushes my hair off my forehead. “No. There’s a reason they tell us not to work on loved ones.”

“But… she’s mine. I mean, not really, but…”

“No, Holden. You can’t put yourself through that,” he murmurs.

“You did,” I respond. “When you gave Ro stitches in his hand.”

Beck chuckles, but it’s sad. “I shouldn’t have. I really shouldn’t have. I was so far detached from professionalism. After I left the room and ran into you into the hallway, you remember me running away, right?”

“Yeah,” I whisper.

“I had a panic attack. It was too much for me. I’m so happy for you that you’ve found Julian. I knew there was someone perfect for you out there.” I bury my face in his stomach, trying to hide the blush I can feel rising on my cheeks. He laughs and continues stroking my hair. “It’s too much. You can’t work on her. You can’t be her nurse.”

“But I don’t trust anyone else,” I whisper, adjusting so I can try to get comfortable. Beck is not as good at cuddling as Julian is. Julian’s big and warm and strong, but soft all at once. No offense meant to Beck, of course. If I hadn’t ever been wrapped up in Julian’s arms, I’m sure this would be perfection, but as it stands? No. It’s fine, at best. I want Julian.

“Hmm, what about my mom? Do you trust her?”

“Of course I do.”

“So ask her, then.”

I scoff. “Like it’s just that easy?”

Beck chuckles. “No. I never said it was easy. Let me ask you this. Did you break down because of what she needed or the role you played in it?”

“Both. But mostly because—” My voice cuts off, tears welling up in my eyes again as I remember the look of betrayal on her face when I stuck the needle in her hip to numb her, the way she cried out. “I hurt her,” I choke out, another sob falling from my lips.

“You were doing your job, but that doesn’t make it easier. Ask my mom, Hold. Tell her how much they mean to you. She’ll take care of them like you will, but it will allow you to be there for them without having to be the one who does the hard stuff. Think of how much better the whole experience could have been if you had been loving her and supporting Julian instead of trying to hold it all together while you assisted in that.”

“Okay,” I whisper, nodding. It would have been so much better. Wren wouldn’t have looked at me in fear and pain. Well, I guess she still might have, but it wouldn’t have been my fault. I could have held Julian’s hand instead of having to be professional. I could have cried with him instead of coming home and sobbing to Beck.

Beck goes back to sifting his fingers through my hair. I wish I could go to Julian’s tonight. I want him. I need him. I’m so fucking sad and hurt. And I need to make sure Wren’s okay. Beck’s right. I can’t be her nurse. Tears well up in my eyes again. I don’t want to be alone tonight. “You’re right. I’ll ask Lydia.” My voice breaks as my tears spill over. “Can I… um, can I sleep with you and Ro tonight?”

“Wouldn’t you rather stay with Julian?” Beck asks, shock in his voice. “I mean, of course you can sleep with us, but I figured you’d want to be with him.”

“We have a deal. I stay here on work nights. I stay with him when I’m off.”

---