Page 59 of Healed Hearts

I nod, unable to speak around the tightness in my throat for a second. “I love him. I need to tell her,” I finally get out.

Ruby reaches out, cupping my cheeks in her hands. She’s even smaller than Holden, and it’s almost comical how far she has to reach. Almost. But I’m having a hard time not breaking down in tears. “You do what you need to do, okay? We are so thrilled for you, and for Wren. He seems like such an amazing young man.” He is. There aren’t even words in the English language to describe how amazing he is. He’s pure and sweet and guardedand perfection, and I need him like I need air. I feel like I can’t breathe with how much I love him.

I pull Ruby into a hug, and soak in the mom warmth for a minute. When I release her, my cheeks are a little wet, but that’s alright. “I’ll be back soon,” I whisper.

I sit down on the grass in front of Maya’s grave. I used to come here all the time. Especially in the beginning, when the weight of losing her was fresh, when I couldn’t eat or sleep or fucking breathe through the grief. I didn’t get a lot of time to break down because I had to take care of Wren, but I used to come here and sit and cry and talk to her. About my life, how much I missed her, how much I wished I could have her back, how much Wren had grown, the new things she was doing, how big she was getting, and how smart she was. As the grief faded, so did the visits. I still come, but not as much as I used to.

I inhale a shuddering breath. “Hey, My,” I whisper, my emotions already choking my throat.

“I met someone.” I exhale shakily, tears filling my eyes. “He’s… God, Maya, he’s truly incredible.” I let out a wet laugh. “You’d love him, I think. Which is a strange thing for me to say, I’m sure.”

I reach out and trace her name on the stone. “He’s sweet. And fierce.”

I sit in silence for a while, trying to keep myself from crying. I take a few deep breaths to compose myself. It works, kind of. Until I try to talk again. “The first time I met him, we hooked up with each other. He was my first, after you. I wanted it to be… I don’t know. Easy. Simple. But then he blew me away. Fuck, this is probably not appropriate to say to you.”

I have to stop again. Between the tears and the fear and the grief I haven’t felt in so long, it’s too much.

“You were my best friend, My,” I get out, tears pouring unchecked down my face. “You were always the person I could talk to. That’s part of what made losing you so hard.”

I sniffle, wiping the tears from my face, more taking their place instantly. “I, um, I had to take Wren to the hospital. She’s sick. We don’t know what’s wrong with her. I had a panic attack. He talked me through it, pulled me right back to myself. Oh. I should probably mention that he’s her nurse. That’s how I met him again.”

I drop my hand from the gravestone and pick at the blades of grass in front of me. “He’s so good with her. She told him she loved him today. It scared the shit out of me, My. But he said it right back. He didn’t even hesitate.”

“I’m scared,” I whisper. “He’s so good, Maya. I haven’t felt this way about someone since you. I didn’t even think I wanted to feel this way again, you know? I had you and then you gave me Wren. And then I lost you. I lost you, My. I walked around for what felt like a lifetime with my heart broken. Missing you. What if I lose him too?”

I slide my fingers through the grass, trying to collect myself. “I barely survived losing you. But God, My. I love him. I don’t think I cannotgive it a try with him, you know? I fell so quickly it was almost a little messed up.”

I glance back at her grave, staring at her name. She was taken from me and from Wren far too soon. We should have had more time.Theyshould have gotten more time. “I love you. You know that, right? I always will.”

I force a deep breath into my lungs. “I’m sorry if this is weird for you, truly. I felt like I needed to talk to you about it, though, you know?”

I shrug. “You feel like the perfect person to talk to. God knows, I don’t have anyone else. But I think I’d like to have him. I know I would, actually.” My voice cuts off as I choke on my tears. I bury my face in my hands, letting them wash over me. Letting myself feel it.

When my tears stop, I feel lighter. Still scared. But lighter. “I have to tell him, and hope that he loves me too.” I stand and touch the top of her gravestone. “Thanks for letting me talk, My. I’ll bring him to meet you soon.”

I realize halfway to the hospital that I forgot my phone at home. Which fucking sucks. But I’m almost to Holden, and that’s really all I need. Wren bounces excitedly on her toes as the elevator climbs up the floors. As soon as the doors open, I spy Holden. His eyes lock on me immediately, and he’s jumping up and rushing toward us.

I love you.

He falters for a second when he sees my face. “What’s wrong?”

I shake my head, worried once again that if I open my mouth, I’m going to blurt out my feelings. Something flashes across Holden’s face. There and gone so quickly, I almost miss it. He’s hiding from me. I hate that.Tell him.“You’re scaring me. Please talk to me,” he says, voice a raspy whisper. He can hide his face from me, but not his voice.

I cup his face in my hand, needing to touch him so badly I can’t resist. I feel raw and achy inside and God, I need him so badly, but now is not the time or place. “I’m okay, Hold.” Well, where did that come from? “Is it okay if I call you that?”

He smirks, but it falls flat. “I much prefer darlin’, but Hold works too.”

I love you. Please, please love me too.

I nod, scared to open my mouth.

“If you call me CT, though, we’re going to have real problems.”

I try to smile at him, but I can tell by the look on his face, it’s not working the way I want it to. He brightens. “Okay, let’s get you two in a room, and I’ll call the doctor to let them know you’re here.”

I follow the motion of his bobbing throat with my eyes. He’s nervous. My sweet darlin’ is scared.Tell him. Tell him, Julian.

He drops to his knees to talk to Wren before I can get my mouth to work. I get so entranced in watching his face as he talks to her that I don’t even notice he’s standing until I hear his voice, but realize I didn’t actually hear what he said. I wince, not wanting to ask him to repeat it, but upset with myself for getting lost in my head.

---