Page 53 of Healed Hearts

“Yeah, I’m really going to miss you, too. We can text and stuff, right? And you’ll give Wren hugs for me?”

“Is there something deeper going on here? Why do I feel like you’re going off and never coming back?”

I laugh, but it comes out strange and a little panicked sounding. What the fuck is wrong with me? “Yeah, I’m alright.” I’m not alright.Tell him, Hold. Talk to him.

“Holden,” he says, his voice tight. I climb off him. I slept naked in his arms all night and yet, this morning, I feel exposed. Way too exposed.Please don’t let me leave.

He doesn’t say a word as I gather my cum-stained clothes. This is becoming a pattern. I’m not sure how Beck is going to feel about me coming home like this a second time. Ugh. I get dressed quickly, going commando, and shove my underwear into the back pocket of my jeans. I think a small part of my brain knows I’m spiraling; that I need to take a breath and get my bearings; that I need to tell Julian what’s happening in my head.

“Holden,” he says again. Not darlin’, just Holden. My heart clenches as I turn to him. “Please let me know when you make it home?”

I don’t want to go home. Home feels like your arms, and that’s fucking terrifying. Tell me to stay. Show me I don’t need to be scared.Roman’s words about being scaredwithhim echo in my mind, but I ignore them. Instead, I stare into his eyes, begging him to do something. To show me it’s okay. But he doesn’t. He just stares at me, his brown eyes filled with what looks like resignation. “I will,” I murmur.

I don’t move, though. My feet are frozen in place and Julian’s eyes are boring into mine, holding me hostage. “Darlin’?” he whispers, cocking his head to the side.Darlin’.Relief makes myknees turn to jelly and I almost fall out on the floor, so I steady myself on the wall. “I want to respect you and your autonomy,” he continues. “But I’m really confused by the way you’re acting, and I want to make sure that you’re genuinely okay before I let you leave.”

“I’m really not okay,” I whisper, surprising even myself with how easily the words come out. “I’m… I’m scared.”

He sits up and holds his arms open. He doesn’t say a word, and he doesn’t really need to. His concern is written all over his face—his desire to fix the problem that he knows nothing about. Hell, I don’t even know what the problem is—not really. Only that this is fucking terrifying. I’ve never felt like this before, and I have no idea how to handle it, no idea what to do or say.

Chapter Eighteen

Julian

Holden looks absolutely terrified. I have no idea why. Everything seemed okay. He was sleeping soundly, drooling on me, and then it was like a switch flipped. He went from soft, cuddly warmth, to a ball of anxiety within seconds. I keep my arms held open as I watch the indecision war on his face. I’m serious about what I said about his autonomy. I won’t force him to open up to me or come back to my embrace. I want him to, of course. But more than that, I want him towantto. I want him to find comfort and safety and fuck, even love, withme. But only because he wants to—not because he feels coerced or pressured.

He takes a hesitant step toward me, and then another. I don’t move. Hell, I barely even dare to breathe. After three small, slow steps, he takes off in a run and I barely have time to react before his weight is knocking me backward into the bed, and he’s covering my body, burying his face in my throat. I bring my arms up on instinct, wrapping them around his waist and holding him tightly against my body.

“Talk to me,” I whisper, and he lets out a shuddering breath.

“I’m scared,” he repeats.

“I know. Why?”

“I’m scared of how I feel about you,” he murmurs, his lips brushing my throat with the words. It sends a shiver down my spine, and I pray to the God of limp dicks that it behaves itself and doesn’t send him running for the hills.

Sliding a hand up his back, I dip my fingers into his hair, cradling the back of his head. I’m torn between asking what he means and giving him space to get it out on his own, but when it becomes clear he’s not going to elaborate, I ask, “Can you explain that a little more for me?”

He nods, but still doesn’t speak, and I can hear his hard swallow and the shaky breath he inhales. “Do you want me to tell you how I feel about you first?”

He hesitates, then nods again, so I sit up, adjusting us until my back is the against the headboard and he’s straddling my lap, green eyes locked onto my face and his knees tucked against my sides. The blanket is creating a barrier between our bodies and honestly, that’s for the best because even though he’s fully dressed, I know I need all the layers I can get between the two of us.

He’s studying my face with a guarded look in his eyes, which is no surprise to me. I don’t know the full details of his life,but I don’t need to know that to know he was hurt. Badly. Both physically and emotionally. He keeps himself mostly separated from it, it seems. Like if he does that, life won’t be able to hurt him anymore. I take a deep breath, steeling myself for his rejection. I know I told him I was direct, and I didn’t play games—and I don’t—but this is big, and he’s right, a little scary. I can only hope that he doesn’t run. That he allows himself to trust in my words long enough for me to prove them to him.

“I have feelings for you. Big scary feelings. Big scary feelings that are so close to love that I’m worried they’re going to tip right over the edge and scare you away. I don’t want you to leave, ever. I know that’s crazy because we’ve only known each other for what—a month? But I can’t help it, and I don’t want to. I love the fire in your eyes, and the sweet way you blush, the way you show me that hidden vulnerability, and the way you talk to Wren and interact with her.”

I take a deep breath, watching his face, trying to keep my shit together when he doesn’t react or move or, hell, even breathe from the looks of it. “I love the way you melt into me, the way you can’t seem to keep your eyes open when you’re in bed with me, like you’re finally able to put down the weight of everything you’re carrying and just be.”

His eyes go glassy, tears welling up, and my stomach tightens in fear, but I push on. Even if he leaves, I have to get this out. I have to. He deserves to know how I feel. I cup his face in my hands, using my thumb to brush away the first tear that falls down his cheek. “I love how fierce you are, how you stand up for what’s right, how tough you are, and how brave you’ve been with me.”

He nods, another tear sliding from his eye and collecting on my hand. He pulls in a shaky breath. “Now it’s your turn,” I whisper, trying to swallow down my nerves. He says nothing for a long while, and I’m honestly not sure if the tears are good orbad or what he’s thinking. Before I can freak out, he’s leaning forward and pressing our lips together. He whimpers, throwing his arms around my neck and plasters himself against my body. I release my grip on his face with one hand, and wrap my arm around him, trying to infuse all the feelings I have swimming through my veins into the kiss.

When he pulls back, he has a lightness to him that was missing before—a tiny sparkle in his emerald eyes that damn near stops my heart. “I have big, scary feelings for you too. Really fucking scary, in fact. I’ve never felt this way before.” His eyes dart away, but only for a second, and then they’re back on mine. “I’m scared I’m going to fall in love with you,” he whispers. I try not to let that hurt because I know it’s notmehe’s scared of. But then he blows me away when he says, “I don’t think I’m going to have much of a choice, though. I… this is fucking terrifying, and I’m not used to being vulnerable with people.”

I nod because, yeah—doesn’t take a rocket scientist to figurethatout. “But,” he continues, inhaling a deep breath. “I trust you. I really do. Please, please don’t make me regret that. I’m literally begging.” The softly spoken words shoot through my body and I can’t resist pulling him back to me and holding him in my arms.

“I will do everything possible to keep that from happening, I promise. You have just as much power to hurt me too.”

He lifts his head off my shoulder and stares at me with wide eyes. “I guess I really didn’t think about that,” he murmurs.

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