Page 42 of Healed Hearts

Fuck, I have to navigate this carefully. It won’t do me any good to push him too hard. I lower my voice when I respond. “It matters to me because I like you, and I’d like to see where this goes. If you do, that is.”

He scoffs. “You like me? You wanna see where this goes? So you’re doing what, exactly? Trying to get me to understand that it’s not all that bad, so I’ll just bend over and let you do it to me?” His facial expression is pure fury, but his eyes are sadness steeped in protective armor.

“Absolutely not,” I say immediately, not wanting to leave him any room to stew or freak out about what my response might be. “I want you to know the difference so that if you decide that’s something you want to do tome, you’ll know in your mind and in your heart it’s not the same as what happened to you.”

His glare is strong, only his eyes betraying him. His chest heaves, and then in slow motion, he breaks down in front of me. His shoulders drop, the fury bleeds from his expression, leaving only sadness in its wake. His chin quivers, and his eyes fill with tears. He lets out a choked sob and covers his face with hishands. Dammit, I pushed too far. “Oh, darlin’,” I whisper. “Come here, you’re okay.”

He hesitates for only a second before he’s pulling his hands away from his face and practically throwing himself against my body. I wrap my arms around his waist, holding him as he shakes in my hold. Soft whimpers and sobs fall from him, tearing through my heart as they do. “I’m sorry,” he whispers. “I’m sorry.”

I slip my fingers into his hair and rub circles along his scalp. I’m the one who pushed too far. I shouldn’t have. “It’s okay. You have nothing to apologize for.”

I feel him nod against me. “I do, though,” he cries. “I shouldn’t have been so hateful.”

He wasn’t hateful, and even if he was, I think I know what’s happening. “Holden, I triggered you. You thought I meant something I didn’t. I would never, ever do something you didn’t want. And I would be incredibly upset if I found out you did something you didn’t want to or didn’t feel comfortable with. Everything is your choice. Well, our choice, actually. Because I can promise I will also never do anythingIdon’t want or feel comfortable with.”

“Really?” he asks. The tears seem to have slowed, and thank God for that.

“Yes, really. Consent is a two-way street.”

He sighs. It’s resigned. Sad. “Do you want me to go home?”

My arms automatically tighten around his body at the mere thought of him going anywhere. “Nah, I think you need to stay right here.”

“Right here?” he asks with a small laugh. “Or should I sit back up so we can finish our conversation?”

“I think our conversation can wait,” I murmur, turning my head to breathe in his scent.

“Because I yelled at you?” he asks, his voice shaky.

I tilt his chin until his eyes are forced to meet mine. “No. Not because you yelled at me. Because we’re not there yet, and we don’t need to be.”

“But you want to be,” he grumbles.

I take a deep breath. “No. I wantthis. Right here. I didn’t tell you yes to staying here so I could take advantage of you. You were the first person I slept with after Maya.” His eyes widen in shock, but I barrel on. “And when I think about the things I had and lost, sex doesn’t even make the top twenty. When you watch the person you love die, it realigns your perspective. And when the person you’re holding in your arms, that you really like, and could easily see yourself falling for, is crying because the idea of sex makes them uncomfortable…” I let my voice trail off as the implications of that hit him.

“You don’t pull your punches, huh?” he asks softly. “You just put it all out there.”

I chuckle. “I know that the start of our… relationship was unconventional, and you’ve seen a lot of me at my worst, because of Wren, but I’m a pretty straight shooter. I know I said I trust you with Wren, and I do. But I do still have to consider her and her well-being. I don’t play games or beat around the bush. That won’t get me anywhere. I know better than most how fragile life is, and I don’t take it for granted. All I might be given is this moment, and if that’s the case, then I want to make the most of it. No matter what that looks like.”

He nods slowly, understanding passing across his features. He lays his head back against me and relaxes once more. “Will you tell me about her?”

“Maya?” I ask.

“Yeah,” he whispers.

“What do you want to know?”

“Whatever you feel comfortable sharing. If it’s too painful to talk about, I understand.”

“No,” I whisper, releasing my hold on him so I can run my fingers up and down his back. It used to be too painful to eventhinkabout, but I had to work through my grief so I could keep Maya alive for our daughter. “We met when we were twenty-two. We had only dated for a few months when she got pregnant with Wren. I was terrified, but also really excited.”

“What was she like?”

I laugh. “Vivacious. Full of life. She didn’t know a single stranger, and she could make friends with anyone. Everyone who met her loved her. She was soft-spoken and always kind. I swear to you, at one point, we had ten stray cats outside. They kept showing up, and she kept feeding them. I joked that if she kept it up, I’d have to take out a loan for cat food. I never understood why she wanted to hitch her wagon to me. She truthfully could have done a lot better.”

Holden hums. “I’m not so sure about that. She sounds remarkable. Do you have any photos of her?”

“Yeah, on my phone.” I hesitate and then add, “Not like, for my own reasons. I’m saving them for Wren.”

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