Page 39 of Healed Hearts

In the back of my mind, I know he’s letting me pull him toward me because no way would I be strong enough to do it if he wasn’t. When I get him as close as he was in the living room, I pause, my breath sawing in and out of my lungs. His nose brushes mine, but he doesn’t make a move.

Why isn’t he making a move?

This is such a bad idea.

What if he doesn’t even want to kiss me?

“You told me no kissing, darlin’.” His soft breath fans across my lips with his words, and my stomach tightens. Fuck, so hedoesn’twant to kiss me, then? Maybe he was so okay with the rule because he didn’t want to kiss me anyway. Maybe that’s why he didn’t try to close the distance in the living room. “If you want it, you have to take it,” he murmurs.

Oh. He’s close, so close. I can almost feel his lips on mine already, and it’s making my heart race.

I so fucking want it.

Between one breath and the next, I close the tiny gap between us. And with the soft press of his lips on mine, my entire world tilts on its axis. Colors explode behind my closed eyes, my stomach flutters, and my heart speeds up even further. I tighten my grip on his shirt as a whimper claws its way up my throat.

Holy fuck. It’s no wonder people like this so much.

I startle a bit when he cups my cheeks, but I don’t pull away, and neither does he. I’m floating and falling all at once, my entire body buzzing. Within a couple of seconds, he’s gently releasing his hold on me and pulling away. He gives me one final soft peck and takes a step back. My eyes dart all over his face, taking in the flush on his cheeks and the way his pupils are blown wide. “Holy shit,” I whisper, and evenIcan hear the reverent tone of my voice. “No wonder people like kissing. Did I… did I do it okay?”

Julian’s eyes widen, his jaw dropping open. “Wait—you’ve never… Fuck, Holden. Was that yourfirstkiss?”

I nod, feeling suddenly shy about the whole thing. Is he judging me? He better fucking not be. He cups my face again, achingly sweet and gentle. “Thank you,” he whispers. “I am so honored, and I hope I can be worthy of that.”

So clearly not judging me at all. Great, this man’s perfection, isn’t he? I’m so fucked.

Earlier today when Julian asked me to stay for dinner and told me I could go home afterward, I thought that sounded great, until everything happened and I kissed him and now it sounds like the worst idea in the world. So when he leans in after dinner and asks me to please sit down and wait for him to get Wren into bed? Let’s just say, I’m sat.

I curl up on the end of the couch, my legs pulled up under my body, and listen as Julian’s deep voice carries through the house as he sings a song to Wren. I can’t quite pick out the individual words, but I can hear enough to know that his intoxicating voice extends to his singing. At least I know where Wren gets it from.

I close my eyes as he sings, letting the sound soothe me. I bet this shit puts Wren right to sleep. It would me. Although, to be fair, it seems he puts me to sleep in general. First after our hookup and then again at the hospital. Something about him just makes me feel like I can let my guard down.

I pop an eye open when the singing stops. And then I hear Julian walking back toward the living room, and my stomach flips in nervous anticipation.

He comes into the room and I sit up a little straighter, opening my other eye to track his movements. He sits down beside me, the couch dipping with his weight. “Are you doing alright?” he asks.

I look at him, a bit confused. “Of course I am. Why wouldn’t I be?”

“It’s a big deal,” he mumbles, shrugging.

Oh. The kiss. I mean, yeah, it is a big deal, but I’m alright. I’msoalright. “Yeah,” I say, giving him a smile.

He grins at me. “Tell me to fuck off if you aren’t comfortable, buthow?”

I nibble on my bottom lip and then sigh. “Well, I was fourteen, living on the streets, doing anything I could to get by. No one was interested in kissing me. Thank God. And then, when I was around nineteen or so, and I had really grown to trust Ro, I asked if he would do it. I just wanted to get it out of the way, you know?” I pause and look at him, wondering if he thinks that’s stupid, but he nods, his eyes alight with understanding, so I continue. “He told me no. He told me I should save it for someone special. And then no one special ever came. And thenit got so big in my head it felt insurmountable.” I shrug, only slightly uncomfortable.

He nods slowly. “So you didn’t say no kissing because you don’t enjoy it, but because you didn’t want it to be with a random hookup who didn’t care about you.” He doesn’t pose it as a question, and he doesn’t really need to. It’s a pretty accurate assessment.

“Yeah, pretty much.”

He grins. “So you think I’m special, then?”

My cheeks heat, but I do. I really fucking do, so there’s no point in denying it. “Yeah, I think you’re pretty special,” I whisper.

His smile grows. “Fuck, darlin’. I think you’re pretty special too.”

My heart goes crazy in my chest. Jesus, is this what having a crush on someone feels like? This is fucking ridiculous.

He sobers and eyes me warily. “Again, tell me to fuck off, but, no anal?”

---