Page 14 of Healed Hearts

I can feel Beck’s gaze on the side of my face, but I focus on the road in front of us. He doesn’t say anything for a long beat, and I cringe at the stupidity that just came out of my mouth. He sighs. “A lot of people do that, Hold.”

I jerk my attention to him. He’s not looking at me anymore. He’s staring straight ahead—his brows furrowed, lips turned into a frown, fingers tapping on the steering wheel. “Really?” I ask.

“Yes, Holden, really. The fact that you don’t know that honestly is not helping my worry here.”

I shrug. “I’ve had sex I wanted, but no one has ever checked in with me before.”

He sighs again, glancing at me from the corner of his eye. “If you tell Roman I talked to you about our sex life, I’m never going to hear the end of it, but—”

I cut him off. “No. I donotneed to hear about your sex life.” Damn, it’s bad enough that I have tohearit.

He chuckles, but there’s no humor in it. “Actually, I think you do. Checking in with each other? Normal, Hold. The first time I—” His voice cuts off, pink flooding his cheeks. I stare at the side of his face, a little shocked to see him blushing over this. He clears his throat. “Actually, no. Not going there. I’ll just say that we always check in with each other. No matter what.”

“Okay,” I whisper, unable to say anything else.

“Consent is important, Holden,” Beck says.

Irritation bubbles inside me. “Jesus Christ, Beckett. I know that.”

“If you know that, then why are you so shocked by the idea of someone asking you for it?” he snaps.

I stare at him with wide eyes. That’s… kind of a valid point, actually. Not that I’m going to admit that tohim.I sink deeper into the seat. “You don’t have to snap at me, Beckett. I’m not an idiot.”

“I’m aware, Holden. I’m also aware you’re struggling.”

I roll my eyes. That’s really hitting a little too close to the truth for comfort. I don’t like how much he sees. How much he knows. “Yeah, you know everything, huh? All knowing Beck.”

He makes a frustrated sound in his throat. Join the club. “I see it, Holden. You can lie to Roman’s face all you want, but I see through your shit easier than he does.”

“Wow. Tell me how you really feel. What the fuck is wrong with you?” I ask, indignation burning in my stomach. Hurt too. All the hurt. I would never lie to Roman. Not intentionally anyway.

“I could be asking you that same question. Stop trying to act like I’m a dick because I’m worried about you.”

“Oh, fuck you, Beck. I’ve done fine taking care of myself my entire life, and I don’t need you to come in and act all high and mighty.” Honestly, where the fuck does he get off?

Beck scoffs. “Have you spent your entire life taking care of yourself? Because from where I’m sitting, you and Roman spent at least the last ten years taking care ofeach other, and now that doesn’t seem to be the case.”

His words hit a little too close to home. Roman doesn’t need me anymore. He has Beck, and that’s the way it should be. I’m not jealous of Beck. I’m not. I love him and I love Roman, and I’m so happy for them. I don’t want Beck and I don’t want Roman. I want…fuck. I think I want that formyself. What theyhave. The love and understanding and support. A person all to myself. It’s what I’ve wanted since I was a teenager. It’s all I’ve ever wanted, but I figured I’d never get that lucky, so I gave up hoping.

Tears burn my eyes. It doesn’t matter what I want. I’m fine for a night. For some fun. But no one will want the fucked up guy with enough sexual trauma to make their therapist need a fucking therapist for anything long term. “Just leave me alone, Beck.”

He’s quiet for a minute, but then he sighs. It’s drawn out and sad, and it makes my heart clench. Why am I being this way? “I’m sorry, Hold. I worded that wrong. I didn’t mean you don’t still have Roman. Of course you do. You have me too. All you have to do is open up and let us in.”

Easy for him to say.Just open up and tell them how fucked up in the head you are, Hold.Easy-peasy. What a fucking joke. I stare out the window, my throat tight, trying to ignore him. By the time we pull into the driveway, tears are threatening to escape, so I quickly climb from the car and rush into the house. I stride past a waiting Roman, keeping my eyes downcast, and head into my room, shutting the door behind me.

Fuck this entire day.

I wake up when my alarm goes off, and I stare at the ceiling, thinking about yesterday—my interactions with Julian and Wren, and the argument, if you can call it that, I had with Beck.

Today’s going to be a better day. No sadness. No arguing with Beck. And if I’m really fucking lucky, no Julian.

I fling the blankets off and head to the bathroom to do my business. My eyeliner is smudged across my eyes since I didn’twash it off last night, but it lowkey makes me look a little fierce. I’m kind of living for the punk rock look it’s giving me with my messy hair. I clean it up a bit, but don’t bother reapplying, and head to the kitchen to start a pot of coffee and breakfast.

I fucked up last night and got shitty with Beck. That’s not who I am or who I want to be. So I need to wipe yesterday from my mind and start fresh. After I apologize, of course. I don’t have many people in my life, and half of them I only have because of Beck.

Beck stumbles into the kitchen looking half-asleep and heads straight for the coffeepot. “Oh, I fucking love you,” he says a few minutes later as I’m flipping the pancakes on the stove.

“Aww. I love you too, Beckett.”

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