Page 128 of Healed Hearts

Chapter Forty

Julian

The second Holden settles himself on my lap and takes me inside of him, a single tear tracks down his face. I watch him carefully, ready to stop everything happening if I need to.

He lifts up slowly and drops back down, his breath catching in his chest as a soft sob flies from his lips. “Hold? I’m gonna need some words.”

“This feels… it feels oh… oh God. S’good,” he slurs. Perfect. Thank God. He rises again. The tight slide of his body has me digging my nails into my palm. The urge to touch him and make him feel good is so strong I almost can’t resist. But I’ll bedamned if I ruin this moment for him. Everyone has taken his power from him, but I won’t.

His ass cheeks hit my hand, so I pull it away, and he slides the rest of the way down, fully engulfing my cock in the tight heat of his body. He feels like heaven. Like actual fucking heaven. I’ve never felt this connected to anyone in my entire life. But I barely even notice my own pleasure. I’m too consumed with his—his closed eyes, the part in his lips, the black liner running down his cheeks from his earlier tears, the way his brows are pulled together like he’s confused about how good he feels.

“Jules,” he gasps, rocking his hips a little faster as a sheen of sweat breaks out over his skin and his fingers dig into my chest. “Touch me. Why aren’t you touching me? You should always be touching me.Always, always, always.”

My cock pulses hard inside him, and for a second, I worry the pleasure-drunk sound of his voice is gonna tip me over the edge. No fucking way am I gonna let that happen, though. I bring a hand to his hip, and use the other to grip his cock. I give it a slow stroke and his hips lose their rhythm. It doesn’t take him long to get it back and within seconds, he’s bouncing on my cock.Holy fuck.My eyes roll back as I drag a deep breath into my lungs. If I were a praying man, I’d be begging for God to help me hold off until he comes.

He makes a choked sound, and I turn my attention back to his face, worried that something’s wrong. It takes no time at all to realize that’s not the case. His chest hitches as he groans low in his throat. “Fuck, Jules. Oh, God.”

I give the head of his cock a gentle squeeze and he arches his back. He rolls his lips, his body jerking as he finds the perfect spot. He does the same slow roll of his hips, whimpering as he jolts on top of me again. “That’s it, darlin’. Take what you need.”

His eyes fly open. “You. I need you.”

I tighten my grip on his hip. “You have me. Always.”

He nods rapidly. I stroke him from base to tip as he rolls his hips. He starts to shake. “Oh. I’m… I… I’m gonna come. Oh, fuck.Oh, fuck.” His chest heaves, and he starts sobbing. “Julian?”

“It’s okay, darlin’,” I whisper, speeding up my strokes to his cock. I know he has to be overwhelmed. Fuck,I’moverwhelmed, and I’ve felt what he’s feeling right now.

He’s so fucking perfect. His body tightens around me and my cock throbs heavily.Fuck, Julian. Keep it together.He whimpers, his body shuddering as he explodes. I stroke him through his orgasm as he cries and shakes, doing exactly what I told him to and taking what he needs. It’s exactly what I need too. Watching him take this for himself, watching the pleasure spread across his face, pulls me over the edge with him.

He stares down at me in shock for a second, then collapses against my chest, his breathing ragged. I pull my hand from between our bodies and wrap both my arms around his back, holding him firmly to me. “Are you okay, Holden?”

“Yeah,” he sighs. “Are you?”

I bury my face in his sweaty waves and breathe in his scent. “Oh, I’m perfect, darlin’. I love you so much.”

He hums, his breathing slowly returning to normal. “I love you too.”

He falls asleep in seconds, his face tucked against my chest. I know in a few minutes, I’ll have to get up and get us both cleaned up. But for now, I’m content to hold him and revel in how fucking perfect that was. How much he trusted me. How thankful I am for the gift he just gave me.

“Are you ready, Wren?” Wren looks up at Holden with a grin. If only I could find a way to muster one myself. Today is the daywe’re getting admitted to the hospital. It came so much sooner than I expected. So much sooner than I was planning for. So soon, in fact, that I haven’t even been able to see my doctor and get a prescription for anxiety meds. It’s fine, really. Actually, it’s not. I feel like I’m barely hanging on.

“Yes, Hold. Ready,” she says as she holds her arms up for him to pick her up.

I don’t think I fully grasped just how much the Xanax was affecting me because even though I’m feeling the low-level buzz of anxiety, the self-doubt and anger with myself that I usually feel is nowhere to be found. It’s the strangest thing. This? What I’m feeling right now is almost manageable. Sure, it would be easier if I had medication, but I feel like I can actually handle it.

I did some more research after finding out about paradoxical reactions, and it feels like it fit my symptoms to a T. The depression, the agitation, the heightened anxiety while actively taking medicationforanxiety. It’s just one more thing I can thank Holden for noticing and fixing for me. I smile as he picks up Wren and carries her through the house.

I’m honestly so nervous about this. I know that it’s what we have to do. I know it’s not the same as it was with Maya. I know that I’ll get to bring her home in the end. Or, I guess, the chances are much greater anyway. But knowing that my daughter has to have chemo to essentially wipe the slate clean for the marrow transplant, knowing that there’s a chance she’ll end up sick like Maya and that there’s nothing I can do about it? It’s a hard pill to swallow.

But I just have to have faith that everything will be okay. I have a support system this time. I have help. I don’t have to do it all alone.

“You ready, Jules?” Holden’s softly spoken question pulls me from my thoughts.

I nod. “As ready as I’m ever going to be.”

He adjusts Wren until she’s on his hip and then holds his hand out to me. I take it with zero hesitation. “Ro and Beck are both meeting us at the hospital, and I texted Ruby to make sure that her and Henry were still coming too, and they are.”

I give his hand a squeeze. He’s my lifeline right now. I would say I feel badly about that, but I can’t. I’m too damn thankful to have it. To have him. “Sounds good, darlin’.”

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