Page 110 of Healed Hearts

“Wren’s still asleep.” I throw the blankets off and rush to the closet to pull on a pair of sweats before I tear out of the room and race into hers. It’s way too late. She never, ever sleeps in. The only time she did was the morning before I called Holden, when he rushed her to the hospital.No, no, no, no, no.

I kneel beside her bed and give her a little shake. “Wren.”

Her eyes flutter open, but close right back.No. Not again. Fuck.I’m about to stand, to do my usual freak out in situations like these, when Holden drops to his knees beside me.

He takes over in that calm, confident way he has. He pulls his phone out, sets a timer for a minute, then lays his hand on her back. Closing his eyes, a look of pure concentration comes over his face. When the timer goes off, he nods to himself, and lifts her wrist, placing his fingers on her pulse point.

When he’s done, he grabs her, gently sitting her up. She wakes, thank God, but she looks half out of it. “Hey, pretty girl. Can you look at me?” She glances at him, eyes half-lidded and sleepy as hell. “Oh, hi. There are those pretty eyes. Wanna go see Lydia?”

Wren doesn’t acknowledge him and my stomach drops out, straight falls to the damn floor. Lydia? She has to go back to the hospital again? “Holden.” His name is no more than a whispered croak as it leaves my mouth.

He turns to me, cupping my face in both hands. “She’s okay. I promise. We knew this would happen. And Lydia said soon, remember? We caught it way sooner than we did last time. She’s stable. She’s going to be okay. Let’s get her ready and we’ll take her in. I’ll call Lydia on the way.”

I nod as my body starts to shake uncontrollably. He notices because, of course he does, and wraps his arms around me. “Shh. It’s okay, I promise. Do you need medication?”

I shake my head violently. “No, then I can’t… I can’t do what she needs. I can’tbewhat she needs.” Talking is hard, my breaths choppy and panic spiraling in my stomach.

Holden runs his hands down my bare back. “Hey, I’ve got you. I’ve got you both. If you need something, please, please take it. I’ll take care of you both, I promise. It’s okay.”

I growl in frustration with myself. “I shouldn’tneedsomething, though. This is ridiculous. I should be strong enough to handle this without a damn Xanax.”

He pulls back quickly, giving me an admonishing glare that makes me feel about two inches tall. “Julian Foster, this is clearly a trigger for you. Give yourself some grace. Take the medicine or don’t. I’ll support you either way, but for the love of God, don’t deny yourself medication because of some misguided idea that taking it makes you weak or less than.”

I take a shallow breath. “Are you sure you’ve got it?” Hurt flashes across his face, so I rush to clarify. “I know you do. I don’tmean that you aren’t capable. I meant I don’t want to put you in a bad place mentally.”

“Julian, being a support system for you and Wren is as easy as breathing. Go take some medicine. I’ll get her ready.”

I hesitate for only a moment, but eventually, I stand on shaky legs and make my way to the bathroom to get a Xanax. I fucking hate this.Hate it. I can’t even take care of my daughter without needing help from a damn pill. I stare at my reflection in disgust as I pop the pill into my mouth and fill my hands with water from the tap to swallow it. With a brief glance at the pill bottle on the counter, I snatch it up and shove it into my pocket.

By the time I’m done, Holden is stepping into the bedroom, a bleary-eyed Wren on his hip. He’s got her changed and her little backpack slung over his shoulder. “You ready?”

I nod, hoping this stupid fucking pill kicks in soon so I can feel like a normal human being again. He crosses the room and takes my hand in his. “It’s okay to need extra help.”

I bite my tongue hard against the shitty comment that wants to break free. I force myself to nod again.

He gives me a gentle tug and leads me out of the house. He gets Wren settled in her car seat while I stand there, useless. When he’s done, he gives me a soft smile that I can’t force myself to return. Making my way around the car, I climb into the passenger seat, knowing damn well I’m not going to make it to the hospital before the Xanax kicks in. Holden doesn’t miss a beat. He climbs in and backs up, calling Lydia the second we’re on the highway. He doesn’t put her on speaker, so I can only hear his side of the conversation.

By the time we’re pulling into the parking lot, the medicine still hasn’t kicked in. Once again, he takes care of getting Wren out of the car. He talks to her, even managing to draw a couple of tired smiles out of her as we walk into the hospital. I follow behind, watching, feeling like a useless piece of shit dad.

The feeling doesn’t go away as we make our way to the peds floor, or as Lydia comes in. Holden handles it all, taking care of her in a way I’m incapable of. The sight of her on the hospital bed makes abject horror slither through my body, my breathing coming fast and hard.

I try to get myself to relax.Just a few minutes, Julian, and the medicine will kick in.But as Holden talks to Wren and Lydia starts a line and hangs a bag of blood, nausea settles in my gut. I place a hand over my stomach, seriously fucking worried I’m about to throw up. I rush to the bathroom in her room and lean over the toilet, my mouth filling with saliva.

When the immediate feeling that I’m about to throw up passes, I take a step back. Turning to the sink, I splash cold water on my face and breathe deeply, trying to get myself to calm down.

I can do this. I have to. Wren needs me. Why the fuck is this medicine not kicking in yet? I’m the worst fucking dad. I just left her there alone.

She’s not alone, though. She’s with Holden. She’s okay.

I grip the edge of the sink. She’s not okay. She’s sick and I can’t even stand to see it. Couldn’t even stand in the room and watch. I can’t do this. I need this medicine to work. It’s always worked before. I don’t understand why it’s not. I dig the pill bottle out of my pocket. With shaky hands, I manage to open it, dropping another pill onto my tongue without thinking about it. I get another handful of water, swallowing it down before closing the cap and shoving the bottle back into my pocket.

Focusing on my reflection, I drag deep breaths into my lungs, begging my racing heart to slow the fuck down. I need to get back to my daughter. Not like it’s going to matter. I can’t take care of her like this anyway. But I need to at least be strong enough to watch her. To be there. So she can see me and know she’s not alone. That her dad hasn’t fucked off and left her alone.

I allow myself a few more seconds to spiral, then I head back into the room. I force my eyes to seek her out the second I walk back in, and Holden’s eyes dart to me instantly. He raises an eyebrow at me. A question. Most likely a“what the fuck are you doing and why aren’t you in here taking care of your child?”

I press my back against the wall, forcing myself to watch, not allowing myself to take my eyes off Wren. When everyone clears out of the room, Holden slowly walks toward me. “What’s wrong?”

I don’t want to tell him. But the way his eyes are locked on mine has me folding immediately. “I feel like I’m failing.”

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