Page 105 of Healed Hearts

Holden

“I’m going to Julian’s tonight.”

Beck grins at me. “Yeah, I figured. I mean, you drove yourself today. It’d be strange if you drove yourself and planned on coming back with me.”

Yeah, that makes sense. I’m exhausted, though, so my brain isn’t quite working at full capacity. After we all got blood drawn for the HLA typing, I stayed with Julian. But then I worked my three scheduled days and picked up an extra shift. So between being worn out from work, being emotionally wrung out,andnot seeing Julian and Wren in four days, I’m over it.

Beck’s voice pulls my attention back to him. “Hold, you okay?”

I nod. “Yeah, just tired.”

“Tired? You look dead on your feet. Let me drive you.”

I wave him off. “I’m fine.”

He raises an eyebrow at me. “You’re not fine. Have you even slept this week?”

Truthfully? Not really. It’s so fucked to sleep without Julian. I’m not sure how I managed before, honestly. It sucks. It takes forever for me to fall asleep and then when I finally do, I wake up over and over. “Somewhat.”

“Yeah, somewhat doesn’t work for me. Let me drive you. Leave your car. Either you and Julian can come get it tomorrow, or Roman and I will.”

I nod. I don’t really have any interest in arguing with him. As long as I get to Julian’s, I couldn’t give a shit less how I get there. I need him. I’m tired of pretending I don’t. Maybe it makes me clingy, but something has to change. I’m miserable. Leaving work, knowing I’m going back to my empty bed at Beck and Ro’s house, feels awful. I hate it.

The five minutes he takes to finish up and walk into the parking lot with me feels like a damn lifetime. I’m dying to feel Julian’s arms around me, dying to get Wren back in my line of sight. Julian and I have texted a lot, and video called each other at night, but it’s not the same. He’s kinda ruined me.

Beck walks toward me. “You ready to go?”

I’vebeenready to go. For like ever at this point, but I know if I open my mouth, something shitty is going to come out, so I keep it closed and nod instead.

We walk side by side to his car, and the second we’re on the road, I can barely contain myself. My leg is bouncing, my fingers tapping anxiously against my thigh. I feel slightly out of control, like I’m going to explode. Beck must sense it because he doesn’ttalk to me the entire way there, but I can feel him glancing at me every so often.

By the time we’re pulling into the driveway, I’m ready to crawl out of my skin. I unbuckle and open the door before Beck even comes to a complete stop, barely acknowledging his request for me to let him know if we’re going to get my car or if they need to.

When I step through the front door, I see Wren first. She’s sitting on the floor in front of the TV, watching a movie with blocks stacked in front of her—so entranced that she doesn’t even look up at me. Julian steps into the living room from the kitchen. When he sees me, a smile lights up his face, and all the emotion and fucking misery of the last few days hit me all at once.

I thought for sure when everything boiling inside me came to a head, it would be anger. I thought it would explode with snarky comments and a shitty tone. Instead, it comes out in a sob. A sob that pulls Wren’s attention to me immediately. I bring a hand up to cover my mouth, but another bubbles to the surface before I can stop it. I turn to leave, not wanting Wren to see me like this. Her reactions to Julian getting upset are always so visceral that I don’t want to subject her to that from me.

I’ve barely cleared the door when strong arms wrap around my waist and pull me right back inside. “Excuse me, darlin’. Where do you think you’re going?” I can’t even answer. My throat is too tight, my chest hitching with my muffled sobs. “What’s going on, Hold?”

I inhale a shuddering breath, trying to get myself under control.

“Holden okay?” Wren’s soft, inquisitive voice would have me doubling over if not for Julian’s tight grip on me.

I force my emotions down, trying to wrangle them back into their hiding places. Wiping at my face, which I’m sure is streaked with eyeliner, I turn to her. “I’m okay, pretty girl.”

She pats my leg, much like she did to Julian’s chest the other day. “Love you, Holden.”

I have to squeeze my eyes closed at the rush of emotions that try to force themselves back up at her words. Is it normal to miss someone this much? To love someone’s child this much? For your happiness to be so dependent on them? I think I might be broken or something. “I love you too.”

She grins at me, and apparently happy with the state of things, takes back off to watch her movie.

In quick succession, I’m being turned and lifted into Julian’s arms. I wrap my arms tightly around his neck as my legs find their way around his waist. Burying my face in his shoulder, I take in a deep breath through my nose, sucking in his scent like it alone can soothe the ragged edges of my feelings. To be fair, it kind of is. At least a little. He’s quiet for a minute, but then he sighs. “Let’s go to the bedroom, darlin’.”

I nod. “What about Wren, though?”

He tightens his hold on me as he starts walking toward his open bedroom door. “She’ll be alright. She’ll come get us if she needs something.”

Us.I like that. There being an us. I mean, obviously, there’s an us, but that he included me in that statement. Like if Wren needed something, she wouldn’t just be seeking out her dad, but me as well. “Okay.”

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